my cut is 33.3%

or whatever the going rate is for pimping like a sonofabitch around these here parts. each market is different, i don't really want to sell myself sort.

more importantly, b just told me 'boy, if you do couchie right, it'll sure do you right.'

he fluffs those cushions with unparalleled enthusiasm.

right, back to pimp talk. so most of you know about how kristine from wait in the van is my oldest and bestest bud. back in seventh grade we were the bitches to know, all the smack talking we did with her ferocious perm and my perfect bowl-cut made us feared and loved throughout our junior high.

or maybe we were the outcasts who wore men's clothing and pretended to smoke cigarettes without actually inhaling.

either way, the time has come for me to say wonderfully amazing things about her and her fantastic blog, wait in the van. if you have yet to click on the link for wait in the van, i suggest you do so now so that you can enter her chuck norris contest, lest you get a sharp roundhouse to the head.

i can personally vouch for the authenticity of the items in the contest, as i was happily on hand for the entire three hour wait to meet the chuckster himself. i was not at all a crabby bitch, pouting in a corner, surrounded by underage boys at a military academy, wondering what, for fuck's sake, had i done for my life to bring me to that exact situation.

no friends, i was really thinking about how funny and special it was that one of you out there in blogland was going to end up with a piece of chuck norris history in your hot little hands.

it takes a very dedicated blogger, one who really, really cares about her readers, to offer up such valuable memorabilia instead of keeping it for herself.

if the contest is the bait, her well crafted stories and one-of-a-kind microsoft paint drawings are the true snare that will keep you lurking and lingering around her blog for years to come.

and if that isn't enough for you, than you suck at life and are destined to become a miserable old goat with really long nails, stringy hair, and yellow teeth.

(that's always how i've pictured mean people looking when they get old, or you can insert your own visual here if needed)

ok, so maybe insulting people isn't the best way to get folks to check out my best friend's blog, but then again, i've never really been one to do things the traditional way.

in any event, i hope that when you do check it out and find yourself giggling and clapping, that you have enough manners to remember to thank me in your head.

your welcome.

the time has come and its name is giveaway

the results are in! i had an adorable assistant help me draw the names for my giveaway winners today.


and kristine helped too by baking these amazing cupcakes for my impending birthday this saturday.


maybe that didn't have much to do with drawing names but yes it does say 'happy 30th dirt!'. she can work wonders with some icing and pink cake.

little miss managed to pull three names out of the bowl before she started to eat the small pieces of paper, which i consider a huge success. paper can be so irresistible for a nearly one year old who's perpetually teething.

and now, the winners!!!!

the lovely sally sal of you. me. no adult supervision... is the winner of the handmade scarf!!


sally, i know you'll use it to accessorize your good looks and great charm like only you can.

next, the winner of the mystery gift is none other than vic at what were you thinking? !!


i'm sorry to disappoint, but i still can't show you what the mystery is yet. i think you might just have to wait until vic gets it and posts about how much she loves it or how lame it is. although i can give you a hint. the idea came to me after i wrote this post.

and finally, the winner for the last item, the pet treats, is cal of cal's canadian cave of coolness! now, i must say that i was surprised that the homemade goodies for our four-legged friends weren't a bigger hit. perhaps that was for the better. you see, when i checked the jar of cat treats i saw this:


oh yes, moldy, fuzzy, rotten cat treats. yum.

since i had set aside some treats for kristine and her obnoxious cats anyway, and because she also requested a poisonous flavor, i gave her the extras instead of throwing them out. and today when her cat fluffy shit almost scratched little miss, i threatened to force feed them to the vicious feline.

but not to stiff cal on his prize, i have arranged to wash out the treat jar and send it to him with some nice, store-bought kittie snacks.

that's probably going to be the last time i bake for a while.

as it turned out, not one person wanted the doggie treats. so i'm going to keep them to give to monster. and also so i don't risk peta hitting me with attempted pet murder charges.

i hope you all enjoyed my blogoversary/birthday/100th post celebration! it was, after all, inspired by you, dear readers. the fun shall continue next week with my star studded line-up of guest bloggers. i'll be back monday the 28th, don't miss me too much!!

no, no, thank YOU

today is going to be a very busy day for me, which is fine because sitting around with nothing to do can sometimes make me want to kill myself, or the unemployed assclown who drives his ridiculously loud remote control car right under my window for hours at a time.

first on my to-do list today is send a very huge THANK YOU out to my guest bloggers who will be sharing their funny here at my pearl hiding spot next week. i'm technically not going away, that was last week, but i will be so busy with family birthday week that i don't want to leave my blog all neglected. plus guest bloggers are fun.

without further adieu, your guests are as follows:

monday 9/21- meaty from "why?", "how?" and other abstract questions

tuesday 9/22- jerrod from the yellow factor

thursday 9/24- mr. c from advice and humor from mr. condescending

friday 9/25- mike from badass geek


sensing a pattern maybe? why yes, i have asked all guys to guest post for me! not only do i enjoy all of their writing and abilities to entertain, but i also thought it would be a little funny to have a bunch of dudes say they were guest posting for a blog called mother hides the pearls. but i guess that's only funny if you don't know me, because sometimes i think i can relate to men better than mommies. b always says he loves how i drink beer like a man.

so if you haven't already checked out all of their blogs, you should. they were kind enough to write for me and they each have a wonderfully unique style that truly makes them all stand out.

moving right along, today is actually going to be a two post day for me. this one here marks number 99. this afternoon i will be over at kristine's house (from wait in the van) while we ignore our kids, drink gallons of coffee, and draw names for the winners of my giveaway! don't get any silly ideas about me rigging anything here either, i don't play that way. besides, all the stuff i'm giving away i've already given her at some point already.

tonight i will post my 100th post and it will reveal the winners. i hope no one is too disappointed about not winning, or about winning.

and lastly, i have to give a warm hug and a shout to stacie from stacie's madness for making my day by giving me such a sexy bedroom-eyes blog award!


that's right folks, she adores me, and i adore her. her writing is witty, poignant, honest, and hilarious. if that's not reason enough for excessive adoration, that i don't know what is. thank you stacie!

and to pass this award along, i'd like to give it to lora at fever. not only do i adore her blog, but i have the biggest girl crush on her and i love our little email convos in which we repeatedly tell each other how great we are. you do wonders for my ego lora, and your writing touches me so profoundly that i carry it around in my head long after i've turned my computer off. so thank you for sharing that carefully selected 2% of yourself in your special way.

that's all i've got for now. tune in later tonight for the winners!!

thank you and goodnight.

I Love Kristine the Best*

HEY EVERYBODY!

It's me, Kristine! From Wait in the Van?

Sigh. Moving along.

I had a really great idea about what to write for Lana's blog today, but I had the idea at night right before I fell asleep. And I am SO not one of those people who keeps a pen a paper on her nightstand. Hell, I don't even really have a nightstand; it's more like a cardboard box. So, instead I tell myself, "Oh, hell yes, that's hilarious Kristine! You're so amazing and funny and gorgeous and skinny...and....SNORE." Then I forget.

So I went through some of my crap. You know, that I keep in my cardboard-box-nightstand, and I found THIS:


And I figured, since Lana's out of town and all, we could totally talk about her behind her back! HA! And by that, I mean, she'll totally be in the loop and reading it and listening and shit because this is HER blog. So it'll be pretty much just pretend. And full of love. Because we love Lana. And that part's NOT pretend. YAY! Rainbows!

This picture was probably taken in like 1996 or something. We were apparently sitting on the floor in my bedroom in the house my family rented during my middle-high school years. It was the only free-standing house I lived in until I graduated from college. Don't you feel sorry for me?

Well don't, because we're here for LANA. I like this picture so much because it captures quite a bit of what defined us as angsty teen punk shitheads. I mean, do you SEE my room? And those clothes? Including the shirt I'm actually wearing? Sal's Boutique, baby**. We were all class.

Also, I'm not wearing my glasses. Neither is Lana. Big deal, right? Probably contact lenses! Um, no. More like, probably we thought we were cool enough to walk around blind because SEEING ISN'T REALLY A BIG DEAL. And if we were in fact wearing contacts, Lana's were probably covered in fungus (changing them is optional) and mine had probably fallen off my eyeball. Hey, dry eyes also happen without herbal supplement, smart alecs.

This was also the house where I considered myself cool enough to throw a party while my parents were away. And by "throw a party" I mean, invite a full band to set up in my living room and let the place get totally out of control while I get tipsy on 2.5 beers. When my mother came home the next afternoon, she found an empty in the oven, the heat cranked to 80, and a missing block of mozarella cheese. We really knew how to party.

So, let's cheers to Lana, the cheese-loving-contact-abusing-formerly-man-clothes-wearing blogger who is totally vacationing WITHOUT ME right now.

Love her.

__________

*You can tell this is not written by Lana because it's properly capitalized and stuff. So I don't feel all that badly for making her pretend to declare her love for me.

**Um, or you could also call it The Salvation Army Thriftstore.