burning questions

last night i got mad at a picture.

this picture:


it was mocking me and my inability to recognize a joke. all i was trying to do was browse a few real estate listings (on a legit site) and then i saw this piece of work. i instantly felt self-conscious, 'am i the only moron who can't tell what the fuck this is about?'

reading further into the ad did not resolve any questions i had.


is someone seriously trying to sell this house? what is the entire fire department doing posing for a picture in front of a burning house? exactly how long ago was thomas edison's time? just how bad is the fire damage? who can i rob to get 55k cash?

et cetera, et cetera.

i was going to print out the picture and burn it just to make it feel stupid too, but then i figured it might be the type of picture that likes that kind of thing. and also because i might end up burning down my current home and wind up in a lunatic asylum perpetually mumbling something about fire and cash offers.

on that note, fuck you, picture. you and your weird fire scenario are no longer going to bother me, unless you want to play nice and tell me what the fuck you're all about. then i'll invite you over for tea and we can chat about property lines and vinyl siding.

dear so and so; revenge isn't always the answer

dear pants,

ok pants, i thought we were going to enjoy a nice long late summer/early fall season together. you all well-fitting and perfectly cropped just below the calf, me all happy and flirty wearing pants that make my ass look amazing.

but i guess you had other plans.

getting caught on the sharp edge of the eraser holder of a dry erase board may have been your greatest backstabbing gesture yet. the inch long tear on the right butt cheek, below the pocket, complete with bleeding puncture wound to said cheek, has more than tried my patience.

not only did my hopes of having a marvelous, feel-good pair of pants die on that dry erase board, but the humiliation continued as i had to leave a meeting in which everyone present watched your cruelty unfold, and then proceed to crackhead alley, also known as grand street in newburgh. walking in the absolute worst part of town, with a bloody, exposed butt cheek was nothing less than horrifying.

i had thought for a second about how vindicated i would feel by ripping your ass to shreds and using pieces of you to clean monster's crate. then i realized that i'm just so disgusted by your betrayal that i can't bear to look at you anymore. you and your bloody hole are going right in the garbage, and don't come back, you hear!

thank you for your attention in this matter.


sincerely,

i'm not into the ass-less chaps look, ok?!

a message to the kid walking alone who thought it was cool to verbally assault me

ok kid, enough with this bullshit. i know you're only about eight years old and all, but that doesn't give you free reign to be a punk-ass.

i'm not even going to waste my breath talking to you about respecting your elders, nay respecting people in general, but i will say that you're damn lucky you're not my kid.

and when did you learn that that oh-so-irritating teeth sucking sound is an appropriate response to hearing something you don't want to hear? that's almost worse than when you called me a 'lying bitch.'

i think it's high time you took your little tush home and begged for your mother's forgiveness and professed your undying love and support for her and all the things she does for you. maybe give listening to her a chance, there could be some valuable information there.

then again maybe not, i did find you wandering dubois st. at nearly ten pm on a thursday night.

anywhoooooo, at the very least, if you're going to ask a stranger for money, try using the 'my family has no money for food so they send me out to the streets to beg' routine. it will get you worlds farther than the 'hey lady, you got fitty cent i can hold?' bit. even though i know you're only going to use that fifty cents to buy a *gasp* sugary soda at the corner store.

that is all.


ps. tell your mother i said happy mother's day for me.