this past weekend at work was kind of a blur, all the days seemed to blend into one another. i remember at one point there were bag pipes in a cafe (which sounded amazing), ancient books in the new york historical society, and lots and lots and lots and lots of onions.
i almost cried tears of pain for the blister developing on my right hand, but then i didn't want the onions to think they were getting the better of me so i stifled my tears out of sheer stubbornness.
by saturday afternoon i had experienced such a range of randomness that i got the brilliant idea to start another blog dedicated solely to my stories of working in a kitchen, or 'cooking room' as i was once dumb enough to say when i couldn't think of the word kitchen fast enough.
but by sunday evening i had already talked myself out of that idea for several reasons, not the least of which being that it would be harder to keep up the veil of annonymity regarding my place of employment when all i did was talk about my job.
then i realized that i tend to do things like that a lot. i come up with ideas or plans for things and then give myself time to rationalize my way out of following through. i don't know if i think this is a good thing or a bad thing, but i can say that it's definitely a pattern.
yet sometimes the opposite type of characteristic can also be true. if i find myself in a particularly spontaneous situation, i have a hard time saying no to pretty much anything. lucky for me b is slightly more grounded or else we could have been married by a dancing elvis in vegas.
what that all amounts to is basically i give myself liscense to bullshit about anything at any time and just blame it on being wishy washy.
maybe i'll start a cooking room blog someday, or maybe i'll just talk about the time that i thought about doing it. either way, i still have a full-time schedule ahead of me loaded with the promise of interestingness to come.
Showing posts with label i should be doing something else instead of blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label i should be doing something else instead of blogging. Show all posts
Monday, March 29, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
i'd say call me the white rabbit, but i think rabbits smell bad, so don't
i am somewhat obsessed with promptness. being made to wait for someone or making someone wait for me i consider to be a serious insult.
it's not that hard, just get your shit together and get there on time. which, by the way, is a trick because if you're on time you're already late.
right.
and then i had a baby.
and then i turned thirty and got even slower.
the discomfort i feel with being late unfortunately doesn't lessen even as i know rationally that there's not much i can do about it sometimes. in one way or another i am aware that my tardiness will affect someone else in an unexpected way, which i always feel guilty about.
this morning, for example, i experienced the perfect storm of incidents that led to my being about a half an hour late for my target date with kristine.
the landscapers with their multitude of leaf blowers and lawn mowers made such a frightening racket that my silly monster was literally scared shitless. it took an extra long time and a lot of coaxing to get him to proceed with his morning poop.
which in turn delayed my shower, and made my coffee cold.
which made me forget that i was carrying coffee (as i tend to be much more careful with it when i know it's scalding hot).
which led to the sublime moment of spilling said coffee on my daughter's head.
which led me to grabbing the first travel mug i saw (after cleaning my poor kid's coffee hair) forgetting that the only clean one was the leaky one.
which led me to proceed to spill the freshly poured coffee down the front of my white shirt.
but then i remembered that i was going to target where there's a starbuck's. i knew i could save a few precious minutes by just wearing the coffee shirt and then getting a venti drip at target to walk around with. anyone who noticed the stain would be sure to see the big ass cup in my hand and think that it must have just happened.
and because i needed more coffee.
pretty clever, i thought.
and just like that, i have become the ragamuffin mom that i never thought i'd be.
it's not that hard, just get your shit together and get there on time. which, by the way, is a trick because if you're on time you're already late.
right.
and then i had a baby.
and then i turned thirty and got even slower.
the discomfort i feel with being late unfortunately doesn't lessen even as i know rationally that there's not much i can do about it sometimes. in one way or another i am aware that my tardiness will affect someone else in an unexpected way, which i always feel guilty about.
this morning, for example, i experienced the perfect storm of incidents that led to my being about a half an hour late for my target date with kristine.
the landscapers with their multitude of leaf blowers and lawn mowers made such a frightening racket that my silly monster was literally scared shitless. it took an extra long time and a lot of coaxing to get him to proceed with his morning poop.
which in turn delayed my shower, and made my coffee cold.
which made me forget that i was carrying coffee (as i tend to be much more careful with it when i know it's scalding hot).
which led to the sublime moment of spilling said coffee on my daughter's head.
which led me to grabbing the first travel mug i saw (after cleaning my poor kid's coffee hair) forgetting that the only clean one was the leaky one.
which led me to proceed to spill the freshly poured coffee down the front of my white shirt.
but then i remembered that i was going to target where there's a starbuck's. i knew i could save a few precious minutes by just wearing the coffee shirt and then getting a venti drip at target to walk around with. anyone who noticed the stain would be sure to see the big ass cup in my hand and think that it must have just happened.
and because i needed more coffee.
pretty clever, i thought.
and just like that, i have become the ragamuffin mom that i never thought i'd be.
Monday, February 1, 2010
be still my beating heart
the blue-green sparks were enough to illuminate almost a whole corner of the dark room. crisp crackling was the perfect accompaniment to their bright display.
small wisps of my hair remained standing on end a second or two longer than i thought they would have. removing my heavy sweatshirt made me warm and cold at the same time.
laying down between the clean sheets had a similar effect.
i've heard of certain concierge services at fancy hotels that include a human sheet warmer. i wouldn't want anyone to take that moment from me. that special minute where the cold clears your mind and helps you prepare for sleep is so integral to me that i don't think i'd be able to settle without it.
eyes closed, the sounds around me became amplified. the whir of some digital device somewhere nearby, and the soft hum of the heat blowing through the vent were the most noticeable.
that was, until i nestled my head deep into my pillow. then the thud of my pulse began to pound through my ear, dull at first, then louder and more consuming.
i thought of the raven and the heart beating under the floorboards.
but that only distracted me for a brief moment. then it was back to only hearing the whooshing of my own blood in my ear.
switching sides didn't help.
we battled this way for what felt like hours. i tried to ignore my pulse, my basic life function, and it became the only thing i knew.
------
waking up the next morning, i had no memory of the struggle. it was only later that night, when the scene began all over again, that it came back to me and i knew what i was in for.
and so it's been, night after night, forever and ever, i am sisyphus and my heartbeat is my boulder. it sustains me and drains me.
small wisps of my hair remained standing on end a second or two longer than i thought they would have. removing my heavy sweatshirt made me warm and cold at the same time.
laying down between the clean sheets had a similar effect.
i've heard of certain concierge services at fancy hotels that include a human sheet warmer. i wouldn't want anyone to take that moment from me. that special minute where the cold clears your mind and helps you prepare for sleep is so integral to me that i don't think i'd be able to settle without it.
eyes closed, the sounds around me became amplified. the whir of some digital device somewhere nearby, and the soft hum of the heat blowing through the vent were the most noticeable.
that was, until i nestled my head deep into my pillow. then the thud of my pulse began to pound through my ear, dull at first, then louder and more consuming.
i thought of the raven and the heart beating under the floorboards.
but that only distracted me for a brief moment. then it was back to only hearing the whooshing of my own blood in my ear.
switching sides didn't help.
we battled this way for what felt like hours. i tried to ignore my pulse, my basic life function, and it became the only thing i knew.
------
waking up the next morning, i had no memory of the struggle. it was only later that night, when the scene began all over again, that it came back to me and i knew what i was in for.
and so it's been, night after night, forever and ever, i am sisyphus and my heartbeat is my boulder. it sustains me and drains me.
Friday, December 18, 2009
burning questions
last night i got mad at a picture.
this picture:
it was mocking me and my inability to recognize a joke. all i was trying to do was browse a few real estate listings (on a legit site) and then i saw this piece of work. i instantly felt self-conscious, 'am i the only moron who can't tell what the fuck this is about?'
reading further into the ad did not resolve any questions i had.
is someone seriously trying to sell this house? what is the entire fire department doing posing for a picture in front of a burning house? exactly how long ago was thomas edison's time? just how bad is the fire damage? who can i rob to get 55k cash?
et cetera, et cetera.
i was going to print out the picture and burn it just to make it feel stupid too, but then i figured it might be the type of picture that likes that kind of thing. and also because i might end up burning down my current home and wind up in a lunatic asylum perpetually mumbling something about fire and cash offers.
on that note, fuck you, picture. you and your weird fire scenario are no longer going to bother me, unless you want to play nice and tell me what the fuck you're all about. then i'll invite you over for tea and we can chat about property lines and vinyl siding.
this picture:
it was mocking me and my inability to recognize a joke. all i was trying to do was browse a few real estate listings (on a legit site) and then i saw this piece of work. i instantly felt self-conscious, 'am i the only moron who can't tell what the fuck this is about?'
reading further into the ad did not resolve any questions i had.
is someone seriously trying to sell this house? what is the entire fire department doing posing for a picture in front of a burning house? exactly how long ago was thomas edison's time? just how bad is the fire damage? who can i rob to get 55k cash?
et cetera, et cetera.
i was going to print out the picture and burn it just to make it feel stupid too, but then i figured it might be the type of picture that likes that kind of thing. and also because i might end up burning down my current home and wind up in a lunatic asylum perpetually mumbling something about fire and cash offers.
on that note, fuck you, picture. you and your weird fire scenario are no longer going to bother me, unless you want to play nice and tell me what the fuck you're all about. then i'll invite you over for tea and we can chat about property lines and vinyl siding.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
take that, sucker
hey reader, yes, you...
can you smell me?
i've worked up a dangerous sweat-stench that's most likely emanating from my body in visible stink lines. the noxious odor is probably making its way into my computer as i sit here type type typing away, through the nest of wires behind my ancient monitor, and directly into your private slice of internet.
this morning i had a glorious battle.
i wrestled with nature herself.
i bested a beast and made it squeal in agony.
i killed a spider.
but not just any spider. i discovered the queen disgusting spider of all gross spiders. she was rotund, with wiry black hairs covering her middle. she was about the size of a golf ball, or my hand. she moved so fast it was difficult to be certain.
she had built an elaborate web encasing the outer storm window in my bedroom, the one flanked by the pine tree that occasionally says 'hello' with a gentle scraping of pine cones across the glass.
within her masterfully crafted realm were two lesser spiders, probably males that she used as sex slaves. they were brown and skinny, small knots with little legs twisting out from their centers.
i took them out first.
as i slowly removed the web from the windowsill, i kept my eye on the queen. she darted towards my hands and then backed away slightly while circling for a better position. she was planning her attack. i knew time was running out.
in that moment of trying to keep my cool and finish the murderous job, i was struck with an idea. a notion so simple and yet so powerful that i knew i would not be defeated by the queen's venomous strike.
i reached for the hose of the nearby vacuum cleaner and switched on the suction.
the queen let out a singular wail of protest as her body was pulled through the vacuum hose and smashed into the filter. it was a defiant sound. one that makes me feel as though she may be back, vengeful and ready to rebuild her domain.
but not today.
today i am victorious.
and now, i'm going to recover from the exertion of this morning's efforts by sitting around feeling smug and superior to all spiders.
can you smell me?
i've worked up a dangerous sweat-stench that's most likely emanating from my body in visible stink lines. the noxious odor is probably making its way into my computer as i sit here type type typing away, through the nest of wires behind my ancient monitor, and directly into your private slice of internet.
this morning i had a glorious battle.
i wrestled with nature herself.
i bested a beast and made it squeal in agony.
i killed a spider.
but not just any spider. i discovered the queen disgusting spider of all gross spiders. she was rotund, with wiry black hairs covering her middle. she was about the size of a golf ball, or my hand. she moved so fast it was difficult to be certain.
she had built an elaborate web encasing the outer storm window in my bedroom, the one flanked by the pine tree that occasionally says 'hello' with a gentle scraping of pine cones across the glass.
within her masterfully crafted realm were two lesser spiders, probably males that she used as sex slaves. they were brown and skinny, small knots with little legs twisting out from their centers.
i took them out first.
as i slowly removed the web from the windowsill, i kept my eye on the queen. she darted towards my hands and then backed away slightly while circling for a better position. she was planning her attack. i knew time was running out.
in that moment of trying to keep my cool and finish the murderous job, i was struck with an idea. a notion so simple and yet so powerful that i knew i would not be defeated by the queen's venomous strike.
i reached for the hose of the nearby vacuum cleaner and switched on the suction.
the queen let out a singular wail of protest as her body was pulled through the vacuum hose and smashed into the filter. it was a defiant sound. one that makes me feel as though she may be back, vengeful and ready to rebuild her domain.
but not today.
today i am victorious.
and now, i'm going to recover from the exertion of this morning's efforts by sitting around feeling smug and superior to all spiders.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
what else is new
i'm a jew and i've found the grail.
granola + trail mix = miraculous experience
in other news, i'm working harder than a mexican day laborer. which gives me plenty of time to compile random thoughts in my head but no time to sit and elaborate on them and weave those wonderfully imaginative scenarios that i like so much.
maybe now is the perfect time to thank some special bloggy friends. i've received a couple of those awards that are being passed around like the high school ho and i'm so happy for the herpes, i mean honor, that i'd like to make an official acceptance speech.
first there's jules, of mean girl garage. i'm convinced that jules is the sweeter, funnier version of myself that i imagine i could be when i grow up. her writing is truthful and clear, and her personality makes it so easy to relate to. i admire the shit out of her, in the friendliest of jealous ways. so thanks jules for this awesome peep show award!
and this is the part where i list seven personality traits about myself:
1. i internalize my thoughts so much so that most people i meet often tell me later on 'when we first met i thought you were the biggest bitch because you never said anything to me.' i may mistakenly come off as aloof, but really, i'm so awkward that i think things and forget to say them out loud.
2. i clean things by throwing them out. i've been obsessed with that tv show about people who hoard crap. it makes me anxious because i want to go to their houses, equipped with face masks and a bubble suit of some kind, and throw everything the fuck out. i can't think straight when there's clutter around, it's the worst distraction for me.
3. i have poor self-control, i.e. i've never been on a diet in my whole thirty years of life. i'll exercise like crazy, because i enjoy it. but i'll also eat whatever the fuck i want because i enjoy that too. then again, working in a culinary capacity has definitely changed what i enjoy eating. if you ever saw the color of the oil in a deep fryer after a busy day, i promise you'd never look at a single french fry the same way again.
4. i thrive with routines. i like to do things over and over the same way. i can also play a song that i like on repeat fifteen times in a row. i'm only slightly compulsive and it makes me happy.
5. seven is a lot of personality traits to think of, even for someone who likes to talk about themselves as much as i do.
6. i absolutely cannot hide my emotions and/or true feelings about a person or situation. if there's someone i don't like, or something that makes me angry or upset, i have tremendous difficulty hiding my discomfort even just for a few hours. i know there's some times and places where you just have to fake it to get through something, and i feel like i've never been very successful at faking it.
7. i plan a lot. i'm so busy planning for tomorrow and the next day, that sometimes i forget about today. but those are the times that i just cut myself off and go for a walk in the woods with monster or play in the park with little miss or ditch little miss to go on a date with b. i think that makes those times even more special.
finis.
not really, i have another award/meme coming at you. this time i'd like to thank the wonderfully trashy-talky alyson, also known as other worldly one from calling people names. if you think i have a potty mouth, you should be warned that i have nothing on aly. and i mean that in the best kind of complimentary way. thanks aly for this sweet award!
this one is that one where you have to answer all those questions using only one word. one word is a challenging concept for a chatterbox like me, so no promises there. but here it goes:
1. Where is your cell phone? - next to me
2. Your hair? - wet
3. Your mother? - away
4. Your father? - not good
5. Your favorite food? - the consumable kind
6. Your dream last night? - rowboats
7. Your favorite drink? - coffee
8. Your dream/goal? - independence
9. What room are you in? - living room
10. Your hobby? - work
11. Your fear? - being broke
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? - working
13. Where were you last night? - home
14. Something you aren't? - your mom
15. Muffins? – anytime
16. Wish list item? - house
17. Where did you grow up? - the 'burgh
18. Last thing you did? - feed the fuss
19. What are you wearing? - jeans
20. Your TV? - off
21. Your pets? - annoying
22. Your friends? - busy
23. Your life? - more
24. Your mood? – fired up
25. Missing someone? - my girls
26. Vehicle? - perfect
27. Something you're not wearing? - socks
28. Your favorite store? - grocery
29. Your favorite color? - all
30. When was the last time you laughed? - 9:58am
31. Last time you cried? - last night (watching hoarders)
32. Your best friend? - b
33. One place that I go over and over? - hiking
34. One person who emails me regularly? - k
35. Favorite place to eat? – home
i know these things are supposed to be passed on, but i feel like i'm joining the game in the last twenty seconds so i'm going to skip that part. and also because if i don't go blow dry my hair at this exact crucial moment i'm going to have the most horrific fro for the rest of the day.
granola + trail mix = miraculous experience
in other news, i'm working harder than a mexican day laborer. which gives me plenty of time to compile random thoughts in my head but no time to sit and elaborate on them and weave those wonderfully imaginative scenarios that i like so much.
maybe now is the perfect time to thank some special bloggy friends. i've received a couple of those awards that are being passed around like the high school ho and i'm so happy for the herpes, i mean honor, that i'd like to make an official acceptance speech.
first there's jules, of mean girl garage. i'm convinced that jules is the sweeter, funnier version of myself that i imagine i could be when i grow up. her writing is truthful and clear, and her personality makes it so easy to relate to. i admire the shit out of her, in the friendliest of jealous ways. so thanks jules for this awesome peep show award!
and this is the part where i list seven personality traits about myself:
1. i internalize my thoughts so much so that most people i meet often tell me later on 'when we first met i thought you were the biggest bitch because you never said anything to me.' i may mistakenly come off as aloof, but really, i'm so awkward that i think things and forget to say them out loud.
2. i clean things by throwing them out. i've been obsessed with that tv show about people who hoard crap. it makes me anxious because i want to go to their houses, equipped with face masks and a bubble suit of some kind, and throw everything the fuck out. i can't think straight when there's clutter around, it's the worst distraction for me.
3. i have poor self-control, i.e. i've never been on a diet in my whole thirty years of life. i'll exercise like crazy, because i enjoy it. but i'll also eat whatever the fuck i want because i enjoy that too. then again, working in a culinary capacity has definitely changed what i enjoy eating. if you ever saw the color of the oil in a deep fryer after a busy day, i promise you'd never look at a single french fry the same way again.
4. i thrive with routines. i like to do things over and over the same way. i can also play a song that i like on repeat fifteen times in a row. i'm only slightly compulsive and it makes me happy.
5. seven is a lot of personality traits to think of, even for someone who likes to talk about themselves as much as i do.
6. i absolutely cannot hide my emotions and/or true feelings about a person or situation. if there's someone i don't like, or something that makes me angry or upset, i have tremendous difficulty hiding my discomfort even just for a few hours. i know there's some times and places where you just have to fake it to get through something, and i feel like i've never been very successful at faking it.
7. i plan a lot. i'm so busy planning for tomorrow and the next day, that sometimes i forget about today. but those are the times that i just cut myself off and go for a walk in the woods with monster or play in the park with little miss or ditch little miss to go on a date with b. i think that makes those times even more special.
finis.
not really, i have another award/meme coming at you. this time i'd like to thank the wonderfully trashy-talky alyson, also known as other worldly one from calling people names. if you think i have a potty mouth, you should be warned that i have nothing on aly. and i mean that in the best kind of complimentary way. thanks aly for this sweet award!
this one is that one where you have to answer all those questions using only one word. one word is a challenging concept for a chatterbox like me, so no promises there. but here it goes:
1. Where is your cell phone? - next to me
2. Your hair? - wet
3. Your mother? - away
4. Your father? - not good
5. Your favorite food? - the consumable kind
6. Your dream last night? - rowboats
7. Your favorite drink? - coffee
8. Your dream/goal? - independence
9. What room are you in? - living room
10. Your hobby? - work
11. Your fear? - being broke
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? - working
13. Where were you last night? - home
14. Something you aren't? - your mom
15. Muffins? – anytime
16. Wish list item? - house
17. Where did you grow up? - the 'burgh
18. Last thing you did? - feed the fuss
19. What are you wearing? - jeans
20. Your TV? - off
21. Your pets? - annoying
22. Your friends? - busy
23. Your life? - more
24. Your mood? – fired up
25. Missing someone? - my girls
26. Vehicle? - perfect
27. Something you're not wearing? - socks
28. Your favorite store? - grocery
29. Your favorite color? - all
30. When was the last time you laughed? - 9:58am
31. Last time you cried? - last night (watching hoarders)
32. Your best friend? - b
33. One place that I go over and over? - hiking
34. One person who emails me regularly? - k
35. Favorite place to eat? – home
i know these things are supposed to be passed on, but i feel like i'm joining the game in the last twenty seconds so i'm going to skip that part. and also because if i don't go blow dry my hair at this exact crucial moment i'm going to have the most horrific fro for the rest of the day.
on that note, happy tuesday!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
no, no, thank YOU
today is going to be a very busy day for me, which is fine because sitting around with nothing to do can sometimes make me want to kill myself, or the unemployed assclown who drives his ridiculously loud remote control car right under my window for hours at a time.
first on my to-do list today is send a very huge THANK YOU out to my guest bloggers who will be sharing their funny here at my pearl hiding spot next week. i'm technically not going away, that was last week, but i will be so busy with family birthday week that i don't want to leave my blog all neglected. plus guest bloggers are fun.
without further adieu, your guests are as follows:
monday 9/21- meaty from "why?", "how?" and other abstract questions
tuesday 9/22- jerrod from the yellow factor
thursday 9/24- mr. c from advice and humor from mr. condescending
friday 9/25- mike from badass geek
sensing a pattern maybe? why yes, i have asked all guys to guest post for me! not only do i enjoy all of their writing and abilities to entertain, but i also thought it would be a little funny to have a bunch of dudes say they were guest posting for a blog called mother hides the pearls. but i guess that's only funny if you don't know me, because sometimes i think i can relate to men better than mommies. b always says he loves how i drink beer like a man.
so if you haven't already checked out all of their blogs, you should. they were kind enough to write for me and they each have a wonderfully unique style that truly makes them all stand out.
moving right along, today is actually going to be a two post day for me. this one here marks number 99. this afternoon i will be over at kristine's house (from wait in the van) while we ignore our kids, drink gallons of coffee, and draw names for the winners of my giveaway! don't get any silly ideas about me rigging anything here either, i don't play that way. besides, all the stuff i'm giving away i've already given her at some point already.
tonight i will post my 100th post and it will reveal the winners. i hope no one is too disappointed about not winning, or about winning.
and lastly, i have to give a warm hug and a shout to stacie from stacie's madness for making my day by giving me such a sexy bedroom-eyes blog award!
that's right folks, she adores me, and i adore her. her writing is witty, poignant, honest, and hilarious. if that's not reason enough for excessive adoration, that i don't know what is. thank you stacie!
and to pass this award along, i'd like to give it to lora at fever. not only do i adore her blog, but i have the biggest girl crush on her and i love our little email convos in which we repeatedly tell each other how great we are. you do wonders for my ego lora, and your writing touches me so profoundly that i carry it around in my head long after i've turned my computer off. so thank you for sharing that carefully selected 2% of yourself in your special way.
that's all i've got for now. tune in later tonight for the winners!!
thank you and goodnight.
first on my to-do list today is send a very huge THANK YOU out to my guest bloggers who will be sharing their funny here at my pearl hiding spot next week. i'm technically not going away, that was last week, but i will be so busy with family birthday week that i don't want to leave my blog all neglected. plus guest bloggers are fun.
without further adieu, your guests are as follows:
monday 9/21- meaty from "why?", "how?" and other abstract questions
tuesday 9/22- jerrod from the yellow factor
thursday 9/24- mr. c from advice and humor from mr. condescending
friday 9/25- mike from badass geek
sensing a pattern maybe? why yes, i have asked all guys to guest post for me! not only do i enjoy all of their writing and abilities to entertain, but i also thought it would be a little funny to have a bunch of dudes say they were guest posting for a blog called mother hides the pearls. but i guess that's only funny if you don't know me, because sometimes i think i can relate to men better than mommies. b always says he loves how i drink beer like a man.
so if you haven't already checked out all of their blogs, you should. they were kind enough to write for me and they each have a wonderfully unique style that truly makes them all stand out.
moving right along, today is actually going to be a two post day for me. this one here marks number 99. this afternoon i will be over at kristine's house (from wait in the van) while we ignore our kids, drink gallons of coffee, and draw names for the winners of my giveaway! don't get any silly ideas about me rigging anything here either, i don't play that way. besides, all the stuff i'm giving away i've already given her at some point already.
tonight i will post my 100th post and it will reveal the winners. i hope no one is too disappointed about not winning, or about winning.
and lastly, i have to give a warm hug and a shout to stacie from stacie's madness for making my day by giving me such a sexy bedroom-eyes blog award!
that's right folks, she adores me, and i adore her. her writing is witty, poignant, honest, and hilarious. if that's not reason enough for excessive adoration, that i don't know what is. thank you stacie!
and to pass this award along, i'd like to give it to lora at fever. not only do i adore her blog, but i have the biggest girl crush on her and i love our little email convos in which we repeatedly tell each other how great we are. you do wonders for my ego lora, and your writing touches me so profoundly that i carry it around in my head long after i've turned my computer off. so thank you for sharing that carefully selected 2% of yourself in your special way.
that's all i've got for now. tune in later tonight for the winners!!
thank you and goodnight.
Friday, September 4, 2009
don't make me stick a strawberry up your nose
to anyone who is planning, thinking of planning, or might ever in the next twenty years plan a catered event, if you make me plate up this strawberry monstrosity i will guarantee that you will never want to see another strawberry for the rest of your life.
please excuse the drawing, i wasn't exactly in the mood to take photographs the last time this asshole dessert and i were together. it might look all sweet and refined on the outside, but really, it's just that mean bitch you knew growing up who thrived on taunting you ceaselessly.
maybe a dessert can't call you dumb, but it sure as hell can make you look dumb when you have exactly twelve minutes to assemble a few hundred plates and ole strawberry shit decides to have ten million components.
please excuse the drawing, i wasn't exactly in the mood to take photographs the last time this asshole dessert and i were together. it might look all sweet and refined on the outside, but really, it's just that mean bitch you knew growing up who thrived on taunting you ceaselessly.
maybe a dessert can't call you dumb, but it sure as hell can make you look dumb when you have exactly twelve minutes to assemble a few hundred plates and ole strawberry shit decides to have ten million components.
enough with all the specific timing bullshit too, you dumbass dessert. the mousse has to temper but not too long or the ice cream will melt, the panna cotta has to be chilled so that the soup can be poured over it warm, mint oil last so it doesn't bleed into the sauce....AAAHHH!!
ok. i feel better now. sometimes i just need to let it all out.
even though this pain in the ass is on the menu for my shift at work tonight, i'm also working with hook-up chef. actually, i think he's officially slutty chef now that he's moved on to hitting on barely legal waitresses in front of the whole kitchen. regardless, he's sure to provide some form of disturbing yet engrossing display of inappropriate behavior to make me forget all about strawberry shit, for a little while anyway.
on that note, i hope everyone has a fantastic holiday weekend! i know i will, labor day means octoberfest is right around the corner!
ps. i'm still working on my blogtastic giveaway, but i haven't forgotten. i'll have info and pics soon!
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
i'm even furiouser and more furiouser, updated
i'll put a brief disclaimer here that this post will contain a raw display of my anger at a shitty real-life, personal situation that i usually avoid talking about on this blog like the plague.
but sometimes it just needs to come out.
so, ok, here it is. (deeeeeeeeep breath) i pretty much don't like my dad. except that he's almost dying and i'm the closest (geographically) family member that can take care of all his shit.
it's a burden that i've been struggling with on and off for a while, but in the last month things have gotten bad. and by bad i mean, imagine the worst possible scenario and then add attorney's fees and cockroaches. yes, literally.
when i spend eight to ten hours a day, a full tank of gas, and exhaust every babysitter i know, driving my ass all over the hudson valley to sort through my father's lifetime of fuck-ups, and he doesn't once acknowledge my efforts, it makes me want to beat him with his prosthetic leg.
not that i'm looking for a thank you, but more that he's acting as if he expected me to come along sooner or later and just clean up his mess for him.
i don't even like the guy. we have no relationship to speak of other than the basic, biological connection. yet to let him rot away in his filthy apartment is not only cruel, but also a decision made based on emotion.
my brother is the lucky one. he escaped while he could, now living family-free on the beaches of south carolina. if only i could have run away too.
but i only avoid, i don't run permanently. i don't think i'd ever have it in me to up and leave my life and ask my husband and child to do the same. and that makes me so fucking pissed.
my dad spent his life being an asshole and isolating himself from society and now i have to listen to him complain about all of the doctors and nurses 'getting in his business' i.e., trying to help him live.
after my meeting this morning, i hope i will be at least one step closer to wiping my hands clean of this foul process. but at the same time, i'm afraid to hope for anything. my father is the black hole of negativity, and the more i wish for good things, or even a little piece of mind, the worse it gets. infinitely compounding until the pressure is enough to crush me to dust.
wish me luck today!
-------------------
alright, so maybe i can be a little overdramatic. but that's just it, i have to deal. the routine will always be the same: get all worked up and tense about something and then afterwards realize exactly how much i was over reacting.
and really, even if my dad is a jerk, it doesn't mean i wish him ill will.
sometimes when i want to call b at work and ask him for the love of god to make the baby stop crying, i have to remind myself that i'm a big girl now and i can handle a little unpleasant household issue. i think the same rationale can be applied to this dad situation.
just because it's not fun or easy or exciting or in any way pleasant, that doesn't mean that i have the right to stomp my feet and bitch about dealing with it. that's not going to accomplish anything anyway.
what i am going to do is get on with the rest of my daily life and not let all this mess drag me down. little miss and i are going to the park and then to the gym for a nice long run. i shall return in a better mood, that i am sure of.
(i would really like to unpublish this post, but since so many of you out there have already read it and were kind enough to leave such supportive words i'll leave it. thanks everyone for your kind thoughts!!)
but sometimes it just needs to come out.
so, ok, here it is. (deeeeeeeeep breath) i pretty much don't like my dad. except that he's almost dying and i'm the closest (geographically) family member that can take care of all his shit.
it's a burden that i've been struggling with on and off for a while, but in the last month things have gotten bad. and by bad i mean, imagine the worst possible scenario and then add attorney's fees and cockroaches. yes, literally.
when i spend eight to ten hours a day, a full tank of gas, and exhaust every babysitter i know, driving my ass all over the hudson valley to sort through my father's lifetime of fuck-ups, and he doesn't once acknowledge my efforts, it makes me want to beat him with his prosthetic leg.
not that i'm looking for a thank you, but more that he's acting as if he expected me to come along sooner or later and just clean up his mess for him.
i don't even like the guy. we have no relationship to speak of other than the basic, biological connection. yet to let him rot away in his filthy apartment is not only cruel, but also a decision made based on emotion.
my brother is the lucky one. he escaped while he could, now living family-free on the beaches of south carolina. if only i could have run away too.
but i only avoid, i don't run permanently. i don't think i'd ever have it in me to up and leave my life and ask my husband and child to do the same. and that makes me so fucking pissed.
my dad spent his life being an asshole and isolating himself from society and now i have to listen to him complain about all of the doctors and nurses 'getting in his business' i.e., trying to help him live.
after my meeting this morning, i hope i will be at least one step closer to wiping my hands clean of this foul process. but at the same time, i'm afraid to hope for anything. my father is the black hole of negativity, and the more i wish for good things, or even a little piece of mind, the worse it gets. infinitely compounding until the pressure is enough to crush me to dust.
wish me luck today!
-------------------
alright, so maybe i can be a little overdramatic. but that's just it, i have to deal. the routine will always be the same: get all worked up and tense about something and then afterwards realize exactly how much i was over reacting.
and really, even if my dad is a jerk, it doesn't mean i wish him ill will.
sometimes when i want to call b at work and ask him for the love of god to make the baby stop crying, i have to remind myself that i'm a big girl now and i can handle a little unpleasant household issue. i think the same rationale can be applied to this dad situation.
just because it's not fun or easy or exciting or in any way pleasant, that doesn't mean that i have the right to stomp my feet and bitch about dealing with it. that's not going to accomplish anything anyway.
what i am going to do is get on with the rest of my daily life and not let all this mess drag me down. little miss and i are going to the park and then to the gym for a nice long run. i shall return in a better mood, that i am sure of.
(i would really like to unpublish this post, but since so many of you out there have already read it and were kind enough to leave such supportive words i'll leave it. thanks everyone for your kind thoughts!!)
Monday, August 17, 2009
life can be easier to take if you pretend it's a game
hello kiddies! and welcome to this monday afternoon edition of waiting room hell! the producers and i hope you'll enjoy the show. now if you'll sit back, stretch out, and grab something handy to break in sheer frustration, preferably glassware, we can begin.
our first contestant is mr. snots-a-lot. as he moves in for his initial approach, clearing his phlegmy throat with a loud ugh-hhhhuugghhh, i (your host/judge) have begun to shift in my chair to face the opposite direction.
mr. snots-a-lot barks in his deep, gravel pitch, 'boy or girl?!'
i challenge him by turning farther to the side, giving him more of my back and less of my profile.
'hhhmmmmuugggnnngghhh!! BOY or GIRL?!'
his persistence is setting the bar high for our other competitors.
'meeeeessss, the baby, is BOY or GIRL?!?!'
dingdingding! we have our first winner folks. yes, that is a baby that i'm shielding from your superfluous snot display. congratulations pal, you officially win the title of grossest waiting room attendee.
not to be outdone, our next contestant, mrs. i'm-so-old-i-can't-find-my-grave, quickly enters the game with a gnarled finger pointing toward the golf ball-esque growth on her neck screaming 'it huuuurrrts!' she follows up with a friendly, albeit warbley, 'good morning' announced to no one in particular at 1:30pm.
bonus points for making herself heard across the room and down the hall. what a strategist, that one.
but today was not the old gal's day. she was soon to be crushed in a battle for the title of most randomly annoying waiting room attendee but our third and final contestant, mr. chatterbox.
mr. chatterbox is one stiff competitor. if you see him approaching, you'd do well to up and leave whatever waiting room you're in and forget about whatever business brought you there in the first place. he pulls no punches in his game. his disguise of a lightweight suit with co-ordinating tie and pocket square might lead you to underestimate his abilities.
without any prompt whatsoever, he will sit so close to you that you will be able to inhale his toupee glue. but before you even get a chance to enjoy the high from his noxious hair chemicals, he will proceed to talk loudly into his outdated cell phone about his last physical, nodding and winking at you all the while, just to make sure you're getting every last word pounded into your cerebrum.
his blatent disregard of the written no-cell-phone rule, as well as the unwritten get-the-fuck-out-of-my-personal-space rule, earns very high marks. to ensure a win though, he's got to bring everything in his repertoire for the finale.
he does not disappoint.
mr. chatterbox assumes the tone of voice that he thinks resembles andrew dice clay, and begs the crowd for a little forgiveness. only he's trying to be rodney dangerfield. his misuse of two of the most eternally obnoxious 'comedians' is enough to guarantee a landslide victory. if only he'd added a little carrot top to the mix, he could have broken the world record.
on that note, we'd like to thank you for tuning in, and we'll see you next time here on waiting room hell!
(this program brought to you by our sponsors, toyota and frosty paws doggie ice cream treats.)
our first contestant is mr. snots-a-lot. as he moves in for his initial approach, clearing his phlegmy throat with a loud ugh-hhhhuugghhh, i (your host/judge) have begun to shift in my chair to face the opposite direction.
mr. snots-a-lot barks in his deep, gravel pitch, 'boy or girl?!'
i challenge him by turning farther to the side, giving him more of my back and less of my profile.
'hhhmmmmuugggnnngghhh!! BOY or GIRL?!'
his persistence is setting the bar high for our other competitors.
'meeeeessss, the baby, is BOY or GIRL?!?!'
dingdingding! we have our first winner folks. yes, that is a baby that i'm shielding from your superfluous snot display. congratulations pal, you officially win the title of grossest waiting room attendee.
not to be outdone, our next contestant, mrs. i'm-so-old-i-can't-find-my-grave, quickly enters the game with a gnarled finger pointing toward the golf ball-esque growth on her neck screaming 'it huuuurrrts!' she follows up with a friendly, albeit warbley, 'good morning' announced to no one in particular at 1:30pm.
bonus points for making herself heard across the room and down the hall. what a strategist, that one.
but today was not the old gal's day. she was soon to be crushed in a battle for the title of most randomly annoying waiting room attendee but our third and final contestant, mr. chatterbox.
mr. chatterbox is one stiff competitor. if you see him approaching, you'd do well to up and leave whatever waiting room you're in and forget about whatever business brought you there in the first place. he pulls no punches in his game. his disguise of a lightweight suit with co-ordinating tie and pocket square might lead you to underestimate his abilities.
without any prompt whatsoever, he will sit so close to you that you will be able to inhale his toupee glue. but before you even get a chance to enjoy the high from his noxious hair chemicals, he will proceed to talk loudly into his outdated cell phone about his last physical, nodding and winking at you all the while, just to make sure you're getting every last word pounded into your cerebrum.
his blatent disregard of the written no-cell-phone rule, as well as the unwritten get-the-fuck-out-of-my-personal-space rule, earns very high marks. to ensure a win though, he's got to bring everything in his repertoire for the finale.
he does not disappoint.
mr. chatterbox assumes the tone of voice that he thinks resembles andrew dice clay, and begs the crowd for a little forgiveness. only he's trying to be rodney dangerfield. his misuse of two of the most eternally obnoxious 'comedians' is enough to guarantee a landslide victory. if only he'd added a little carrot top to the mix, he could have broken the world record.
on that note, we'd like to thank you for tuning in, and we'll see you next time here on waiting room hell!
(this program brought to you by our sponsors, toyota and frosty paws doggie ice cream treats.)
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
linky love
i haven't been a very good bloggy friend lately. it's been weeks since i actually found my way to my computer to read all of your clever, funny, insightful, and crass posts that i love so much. i'm not here to make excuses. sure the food poisoning didn't help much, but i still respect all of you folks out there who make the time to not only maintain your own writing consistently, but also support your fellow writers.
and, by the way, as i once told the novelista barista, i absolutely think of blogging as real writing. it takes so much work and time out of your life to manage, not to mention creating something that you want to be an accurate representation of yourself, how could something you pour so much energy into not be considered legitimate?
well friends, today i had the pleasure of two bloggy pals giving me a shout and basically reaffirming my decision to keep up this time-suck of a blog i have here. there have been more than a few times that i thought for sure i was going to just stop posting and be done with it all. but the fact that there's people out there who take even a minute out of their day to read some random story i feel like telling means the world to me.
i love telling stories, it's how my mind works. i make everything into a narrative as its happening. if only i was patient enough to sit down and write a novel, i could have a lot of fun with that i think.
but i digress, my point here was to say thanks to everyone out there who doesn't get bogged down by life and finds a way to share their thoughts and experiences through their writing.
mr. condescending just posted about his 100 favorite blogs he likes to read. he's a guy who knows how to win a girl over with flattery, and also how to play the game without being hated. you walk that line so well, mr. c, you really are an artist! thanks again for the honorable mention, i'll keep finding funny if you keep reading.
it was also brought to my attention that jerrod, over at the yellow factor, was somehow absent from my little linky list. jerrod, i'm going to blame the computer demons for that one, i don't have any other explanations. but in his generous way he gave me a glorious award for me to hang with pride on my sidebar. behold:
oh yeah, i was definitely the kid who made yellow snowballs. it's all the same when you have mittens on, right? right. so thanks again, jerrod! i'll try and keep up with my writing, including the many fuckity fuck curses, and be worthy of this award.
and i can't forget courtney and porkstar, who have so kindly added me to the sweat crew even though they didn't really know me and i asked to join their group.
i still haven't figured out how to make that list so that it links to all the other members, but i haven't forgotten about it. i'm proud to display my sweatiness for all to see.
so for all of you out there who i've been a stranger to lately, i'm on my way! right after i tend to a walking (or should i say running) ten month old who is having a hard time learning that 'no' means 'garbage is not for eating' and 'the toilet bowl is not for hiding toys'.
and, by the way, as i once told the novelista barista, i absolutely think of blogging as real writing. it takes so much work and time out of your life to manage, not to mention creating something that you want to be an accurate representation of yourself, how could something you pour so much energy into not be considered legitimate?
well friends, today i had the pleasure of two bloggy pals giving me a shout and basically reaffirming my decision to keep up this time-suck of a blog i have here. there have been more than a few times that i thought for sure i was going to just stop posting and be done with it all. but the fact that there's people out there who take even a minute out of their day to read some random story i feel like telling means the world to me.
i love telling stories, it's how my mind works. i make everything into a narrative as its happening. if only i was patient enough to sit down and write a novel, i could have a lot of fun with that i think.
but i digress, my point here was to say thanks to everyone out there who doesn't get bogged down by life and finds a way to share their thoughts and experiences through their writing.
mr. condescending just posted about his 100 favorite blogs he likes to read. he's a guy who knows how to win a girl over with flattery, and also how to play the game without being hated. you walk that line so well, mr. c, you really are an artist! thanks again for the honorable mention, i'll keep finding funny if you keep reading.
it was also brought to my attention that jerrod, over at the yellow factor, was somehow absent from my little linky list. jerrod, i'm going to blame the computer demons for that one, i don't have any other explanations. but in his generous way he gave me a glorious award for me to hang with pride on my sidebar. behold:
oh yeah, i was definitely the kid who made yellow snowballs. it's all the same when you have mittens on, right? right. so thanks again, jerrod! i'll try and keep up with my writing, including the many fuckity fuck curses, and be worthy of this award.
and i can't forget courtney and porkstar, who have so kindly added me to the sweat crew even though they didn't really know me and i asked to join their group.
i still haven't figured out how to make that list so that it links to all the other members, but i haven't forgotten about it. i'm proud to display my sweatiness for all to see.
so for all of you out there who i've been a stranger to lately, i'm on my way! right after i tend to a walking (or should i say running) ten month old who is having a hard time learning that 'no' means 'garbage is not for eating' and 'the toilet bowl is not for hiding toys'.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
choose wisely
today i have a little story to share that's funny, gross, and sad all at the same time. i can't say it's inspired by my dad, because that's not really accurate. but suffice it to say that there is a connection to him, even though it only began with a name.
when i was a little girl, about nine or ten years old, i was taught that rodents would make perfect pets. my mother was strictly against dogs or cats for a few years, and during that time she educated myself and my brother about the wonderful joys that small furry creatures can bring into one's life. i still don't know if she immediately regretted doing so, or if that feeling of making a horrible mistake overcame her slowly, like a chill creeping up her spine and finally piercing her brain in a way that only a ghastly revelation can.
we had a gerbil named fluffy. maybe she didn't like her name so much, or maybe she just didn't like when my brother would force her to run in his greyskull castle like a maze. either way, she definitely did love to claw the shit out of our delicate children's hands.
after my mom decided that she was allergic to fluffy, spontaneously, then came the hamsters. they were ok, i guess. until they started breeding. i'm not prepared to relive that nightmare just yet. i can still smell the cedar chips if i close my eyes and think long enough about it, and not in a good way. besides, the real story comes after the evil sex-addict hamsters, so i'm just going to keep moving here.
next was a mouse. somehow i managed to convince my mom that mice make outstanding pets. we brought home a little grey fellow with a white spot on his head. i named him louis, which is my father's middle name. i can't explain why i was compelled to give the innocent mouse this name. even today, it makes me wonder if i knew he was doomed from the moment he entered out house, paralleling my father's life in so many ways.
in the beginning, things went great. louis was as happy as a mouse could be. he was fed and cleaned and loved. he was doing so well, in fact, that he was getting noticeably stronger. it wasn't long before he escaped his little cage and ventured forth into our house on his own.
i absolutely forbade my mother from trapping him. i wanted louis to be able to enjoy his freedom and flourish among us, rather than be captured and set outside where who knows what could harm him. i think my mom set traps for him anyway. but we went almost two months with louis scurrying around throughout the house, our shy little roommate.
he grew to the size of a small rat, the white patch on his head the only identifying mark of his former semblance.
then one day my mom decided to bake some cupcakes.
do you remember as a child, smelling the chocolaty cakey goodness of cupcakes warming in the oven, the scent wafting through your home as if on a mission to distract you?
i've lost that memory. for on that fateful day, as the cupcake batter rose and thickened in the little paper cups, the odor coming from our oven was nothing short of nauseating. a foul stench clouded our kitchen and grew more intense by the minute. my young mind had no imagery yet disturbing enough to associate with the mystery smell.
it was bad enough for my mom to call the appliance repair man. as he disassembled the oven, he discovered louis' nest. the clever guy had built his home inside the wall of our oven. it kept him warm and cozy for the few winter months he had spent there. unfortunately, it was his bad luck to wake up from a nap and venture out at the exact time that my mother had turned on the oven.
at first, i was so angry at my mother for cooking my beloved pet. although, with time, i eventually accepted that louis' life was somehow destined to meet a volatile end. what good could possibly come of overindulging and living in an environment that is in no way natural to your species? no, louis probably would have been much better off out in the wilderness of our backyard, using his innate instincts to guide him through the perils of a normal mouse's existence.
for that i am sorry louis.
i can only hope my father doesn't end up cooked, figuratively, as a result of his poor choices. but only time will tell what his fate is destined to be.
when i was a little girl, about nine or ten years old, i was taught that rodents would make perfect pets. my mother was strictly against dogs or cats for a few years, and during that time she educated myself and my brother about the wonderful joys that small furry creatures can bring into one's life. i still don't know if she immediately regretted doing so, or if that feeling of making a horrible mistake overcame her slowly, like a chill creeping up her spine and finally piercing her brain in a way that only a ghastly revelation can.
we had a gerbil named fluffy. maybe she didn't like her name so much, or maybe she just didn't like when my brother would force her to run in his greyskull castle like a maze. either way, she definitely did love to claw the shit out of our delicate children's hands.
after my mom decided that she was allergic to fluffy, spontaneously, then came the hamsters. they were ok, i guess. until they started breeding. i'm not prepared to relive that nightmare just yet. i can still smell the cedar chips if i close my eyes and think long enough about it, and not in a good way. besides, the real story comes after the evil sex-addict hamsters, so i'm just going to keep moving here.
next was a mouse. somehow i managed to convince my mom that mice make outstanding pets. we brought home a little grey fellow with a white spot on his head. i named him louis, which is my father's middle name. i can't explain why i was compelled to give the innocent mouse this name. even today, it makes me wonder if i knew he was doomed from the moment he entered out house, paralleling my father's life in so many ways.
in the beginning, things went great. louis was as happy as a mouse could be. he was fed and cleaned and loved. he was doing so well, in fact, that he was getting noticeably stronger. it wasn't long before he escaped his little cage and ventured forth into our house on his own.
i absolutely forbade my mother from trapping him. i wanted louis to be able to enjoy his freedom and flourish among us, rather than be captured and set outside where who knows what could harm him. i think my mom set traps for him anyway. but we went almost two months with louis scurrying around throughout the house, our shy little roommate.
he grew to the size of a small rat, the white patch on his head the only identifying mark of his former semblance.
then one day my mom decided to bake some cupcakes.
do you remember as a child, smelling the chocolaty cakey goodness of cupcakes warming in the oven, the scent wafting through your home as if on a mission to distract you?
i've lost that memory. for on that fateful day, as the cupcake batter rose and thickened in the little paper cups, the odor coming from our oven was nothing short of nauseating. a foul stench clouded our kitchen and grew more intense by the minute. my young mind had no imagery yet disturbing enough to associate with the mystery smell.
it was bad enough for my mom to call the appliance repair man. as he disassembled the oven, he discovered louis' nest. the clever guy had built his home inside the wall of our oven. it kept him warm and cozy for the few winter months he had spent there. unfortunately, it was his bad luck to wake up from a nap and venture out at the exact time that my mother had turned on the oven.
at first, i was so angry at my mother for cooking my beloved pet. although, with time, i eventually accepted that louis' life was somehow destined to meet a volatile end. what good could possibly come of overindulging and living in an environment that is in no way natural to your species? no, louis probably would have been much better off out in the wilderness of our backyard, using his innate instincts to guide him through the perils of a normal mouse's existence.
for that i am sorry louis.
i can only hope my father doesn't end up cooked, figuratively, as a result of his poor choices. but only time will tell what his fate is destined to be.
Friday, June 5, 2009
this post is a way for me to not post anything of substance
ok kiddies, the time has come. bananaman will now be making himself comfortable at the following locations:
the yellow factor because jerrod loves bananas (and hanukkah)!!
either dibbly fresh or get a pencil and your casebook, both owned and operated by sadako. or i guess it's entirely possible that bananaman might like her so much that he'd hang at both her spots, but that's ultimately going to be his decision.
and lastly, i have to say that i offered up bananaman in what i thought was a fair trade to trodo over at diamond pewpin carnivore, but alas, she has yet to come and claim him. i don't want him to end up in a loveless home where he's not wanted. i'm not a bananaman pusher after all. so trodo, if you want him, he's here waiting for you.
and i think i may just have to show my true affection for the purple shirt wearing bananaman and place him here as well.
i hope everyone has a wonderful weekend, as i know i'm sure to sleep better knowing i'll always have a banana friend should i need one.
the yellow factor because jerrod loves bananas (and hanukkah)!!
either dibbly fresh or get a pencil and your casebook, both owned and operated by sadako. or i guess it's entirely possible that bananaman might like her so much that he'd hang at both her spots, but that's ultimately going to be his decision.
and lastly, i have to say that i offered up bananaman in what i thought was a fair trade to trodo over at diamond pewpin carnivore, but alas, she has yet to come and claim him. i don't want him to end up in a loveless home where he's not wanted. i'm not a bananaman pusher after all. so trodo, if you want him, he's here waiting for you.
and i think i may just have to show my true affection for the purple shirt wearing bananaman and place him here as well.
i hope everyone has a wonderful weekend, as i know i'm sure to sleep better knowing i'll always have a banana friend should i need one.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
it's not cheating if it's imaginary
if i was single, and i could date a grocery store, it would be you stop & shop. not only do you have all the really great organic and all natural foodstuffs, but you sir, are quite the charmer.
flattery will get you very far with me. and if you happen to be a corporate food retailer, spread throughout multiple states, sending me fancy letters about how valued i am (my business is) will make me blush and say 'oh, you' with such convincing faux modesty that you will soon find me throwing myself at you in uncontrollable fits of passion.
that was your intended response, right?
either way, i am so filled to the brim with love for the fact that you appreciate me, dear stop & shop, that i decided that i should pay it forward. i'm going to put the fancy bananaman you gave me to good use. his toothy smile and purple smoking jacket/hawaiian shirt covered in your emblem shall live on forever on the internet, perpetually brightening the day of those who are fortunate enough to gaze upon him.
behold bananaman:
i know how badly you all want his sexiness to grace your sidebar. he's a friendly guy, ask nicely and i'm sure he'll come hang with you.
flattery will get you very far with me. and if you happen to be a corporate food retailer, spread throughout multiple states, sending me fancy letters about how valued i am (my business is) will make me blush and say 'oh, you' with such convincing faux modesty that you will soon find me throwing myself at you in uncontrollable fits of passion.
that was your intended response, right?
either way, i am so filled to the brim with love for the fact that you appreciate me, dear stop & shop, that i decided that i should pay it forward. i'm going to put the fancy bananaman you gave me to good use. his toothy smile and purple smoking jacket/hawaiian shirt covered in your emblem shall live on forever on the internet, perpetually brightening the day of those who are fortunate enough to gaze upon him.
behold bananaman:
i know how badly you all want his sexiness to grace your sidebar. he's a friendly guy, ask nicely and i'm sure he'll come hang with you.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
who's more annoying, me or me?
i realized this morning that i have this whole weekend off from work. i've been working so many weekends lately that i almost don't even know what to do with three days to myself. sometimes i'm so indecisive that it makes my head hurt, or maybe that's just a natural response to my multiple personalities battling it out in my brain.
either way, it dawned on me that i should probably take advantage of my sybil-esque tendencies and see what fruitful results i can elicit from deep within my psyche. this morning i took a very thorough survey of my peeps to see what they had to say about this whole 'free weekend' situation.
me: hey practicality, what do you think about this weekend? got any good ideas?
p: uh, how about vacuuming up this dirthole you live in for starters? then there's always laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, making baby food, more dishes....
me: yeah, ok i get it. you're boring, who's next?
me: what's up free spirit? what would you do with three days to yourself?
fs: oh hi! well let's see, i might take monster out for a really long hike up in silver mine or maybe even minnewaska. oooh, and i'd have to make sure i brought a notebook to capture any reflections i might be stricken with as i'm surrounded by nature's beauty. i might also want to start planting that garden i've been talking about. i could have all organic vegetables and then have some flowers on the edges to bring some harmony.
me: uh, that all sounds like work to me. i'm trying to not do any work here, maybe next time... i think i see paranoia over there, maybe she has something to offer.
me: paranoia, what the hell are you doing with all this foam padding stuff?
p: oh, just a little babyproofing.
me: um, i don't think monster is going to be very happy with padding on his feet. have you thought this through?
p: oh yes. this is exactly what the book said to do, cover ALL sharp objects in the house, and if you haven't noticed he's got some claws there.
me: o..k... you don't think that's a little extreme? i mean, he still has to walk, and it's not like the baby can get up onto his sleeping chair to mess with them.
p: uh-oh. is it too much? am i over-protecting? is little miss never going to learn to have natural boundaries? are other parents going to think she's spoiled? is she going to be able to make friends in kindergarten? is she...
me: that's enough! i gotta go see something, uh, over there. bye.
me: potty-mouth! you ol' bitchass! it's been too long!! maybe you can help me think of something to do this weekend. whattya got for me?
pm: for fuck's sake, enough with this indecisive bullshit. just get your ass out and do something already. b will be here to watch little miss, so you can go get shitfaced in the middle of the day if you want.
me: oooh that sounds fun! you coming?
pm: fuck that! it's supposed to rain. i don't go anywhere in the rain.
me: well, i can't exactly go out drinking in the middle of the day all alone. it's not that fun to get shitty and talk to myself.
pm: and that's so different from this crap you're pulling right now?
me: right. whatever. fuck off. i'm going to talk to laziness.
me: lazy, you have to have something good for me. no one else has been any help. i just don't know what would be the best way to spend my weekend.
l: go to the beer store, get a sixer of something new, put b on baby duty, and park it on the couch alternating between horror movies and super mario galaxy. done.
me: i knew i saved the best for last for a reason! you are so good at understanding me. how do you always have the right thing to say?
l: i'm really just too lazy for this conversation. can i go nap now?
i think laziness is my new best friend. at the very least, i should definitely listen to her a little more often. oh wait, i think i just did. i was going to make up some fun pictures in paint to illustrate this post, but guess what, i'm too lazy! so my words are all you're going to have, i trust you all to create wonderfully funny and appropriate images in your heads for yourselves.
and now if you'll excuse me, i think i need a nice long nap to help me gear up for all the sitting around i plan on doing this weekend.
either way, it dawned on me that i should probably take advantage of my sybil-esque tendencies and see what fruitful results i can elicit from deep within my psyche. this morning i took a very thorough survey of my peeps to see what they had to say about this whole 'free weekend' situation.
me: hey practicality, what do you think about this weekend? got any good ideas?
p: uh, how about vacuuming up this dirthole you live in for starters? then there's always laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, making baby food, more dishes....
me: yeah, ok i get it. you're boring, who's next?
me: what's up free spirit? what would you do with three days to yourself?
fs: oh hi! well let's see, i might take monster out for a really long hike up in silver mine or maybe even minnewaska. oooh, and i'd have to make sure i brought a notebook to capture any reflections i might be stricken with as i'm surrounded by nature's beauty. i might also want to start planting that garden i've been talking about. i could have all organic vegetables and then have some flowers on the edges to bring some harmony.
me: uh, that all sounds like work to me. i'm trying to not do any work here, maybe next time... i think i see paranoia over there, maybe she has something to offer.
me: paranoia, what the hell are you doing with all this foam padding stuff?
p: oh, just a little babyproofing.
me: um, i don't think monster is going to be very happy with padding on his feet. have you thought this through?
p: oh yes. this is exactly what the book said to do, cover ALL sharp objects in the house, and if you haven't noticed he's got some claws there.
me: o..k... you don't think that's a little extreme? i mean, he still has to walk, and it's not like the baby can get up onto his sleeping chair to mess with them.
p: uh-oh. is it too much? am i over-protecting? is little miss never going to learn to have natural boundaries? are other parents going to think she's spoiled? is she going to be able to make friends in kindergarten? is she...
me: that's enough! i gotta go see something, uh, over there. bye.
me: potty-mouth! you ol' bitchass! it's been too long!! maybe you can help me think of something to do this weekend. whattya got for me?
pm: for fuck's sake, enough with this indecisive bullshit. just get your ass out and do something already. b will be here to watch little miss, so you can go get shitfaced in the middle of the day if you want.
me: oooh that sounds fun! you coming?
pm: fuck that! it's supposed to rain. i don't go anywhere in the rain.
me: well, i can't exactly go out drinking in the middle of the day all alone. it's not that fun to get shitty and talk to myself.
pm: and that's so different from this crap you're pulling right now?
me: right. whatever. fuck off. i'm going to talk to laziness.
me: lazy, you have to have something good for me. no one else has been any help. i just don't know what would be the best way to spend my weekend.
l: go to the beer store, get a sixer of something new, put b on baby duty, and park it on the couch alternating between horror movies and super mario galaxy. done.
me: i knew i saved the best for last for a reason! you are so good at understanding me. how do you always have the right thing to say?
l: i'm really just too lazy for this conversation. can i go nap now?
i think laziness is my new best friend. at the very least, i should definitely listen to her a little more often. oh wait, i think i just did. i was going to make up some fun pictures in paint to illustrate this post, but guess what, i'm too lazy! so my words are all you're going to have, i trust you all to create wonderfully funny and appropriate images in your heads for yourselves.
and now if you'll excuse me, i think i need a nice long nap to help me gear up for all the sitting around i plan on doing this weekend.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
this post shouldn't even exist
i wasn't even going to post anything today, yet here i am type, type, typing away. i have a trillion things to do before leaving for work today, not the least of which may or may not include letting monster loose to attack the man who insists on playing with his remote control car right outside my window.
before i do that, i can easily take a few minutes to tell you all about this little gadgety thing i saw on kristine's blog this morning. it's called wordle, and it takes your most commonly used words from your text and makes a cute little arrangement for you. since something new is better than nothing at all, i thought i'd try it. (and no, it's not stealing post ideas if she encouraged people to do it. which, by the way, you should do it too, it's fun.)
here's my compilation: *
before i do that, i can easily take a few minutes to tell you all about this little gadgety thing i saw on kristine's blog this morning. it's called wordle, and it takes your most commonly used words from your text and makes a cute little arrangement for you. since something new is better than nothing at all, i thought i'd try it. (and no, it's not stealing post ideas if she encouraged people to do it. which, by the way, you should do it too, it's fun.)
here's my compilation: *
(click here to see julius ceasar in full battle regalia, or maybe just a bigger version of my wordle)**
so, i'm not really surprised to see 'really' making such a loud statement in this collage, but i am wondering why 'so' isn't front and center, considering i have a really, really bad habit of starting off sentences with 'so...'.
who knows, maybe the little guys inside my computer who run around picking up words and throwing them back down randomly forgot all about 'so' because it's so little. at least they didn't forget 'assclowns'. that's one of my favorites.
or maybe the little computer guys are obsessed with any word that starts with the letter 'a'. it seems there's a disproportionate amount of a-words in this wordle. they even grabbed the abbreviation a's (for the oakland athletics-worst baseball team name ever). i guess i should take the hint and change up my writing a little bit. there's only so much i can write about appetite addiction or adventurous attention.
i always did have a problem with excessive alliteration.
now that i've sufficiently wasted another seventeen minutes reading up on mr. linky, i think i just need to stop where i am and leave nature to take its course. i wanted to see if i could pull off adding that piece here so that you could all link your wordles to me, but i guess i should have known it wasn't going to happen before i even started. i don't think i'll ever get all that html crap anyway. well, the thought was there, and that should count for something.
*i'm sorry this picture is so small. i have no idea how to make it bigger and now i really need to go get ready or i'll be late and unprepared for work and then i'll get fired and then i'll lose my home and then my kid will starve. fuck you wordle! no really, it is kind of fun, if you can manage to get the right size to show up. any helpful hints?
**if you really wanted to humor me, you can click on the link. i know, i probably wouldn't either, it's ok.
who knows, maybe the little guys inside my computer who run around picking up words and throwing them back down randomly forgot all about 'so' because it's so little. at least they didn't forget 'assclowns'. that's one of my favorites.
or maybe the little computer guys are obsessed with any word that starts with the letter 'a'. it seems there's a disproportionate amount of a-words in this wordle. they even grabbed the abbreviation a's (for the oakland athletics-worst baseball team name ever). i guess i should take the hint and change up my writing a little bit. there's only so much i can write about appetite addiction or adventurous attention.
i always did have a problem with excessive alliteration.
now that i've sufficiently wasted another seventeen minutes reading up on mr. linky, i think i just need to stop where i am and leave nature to take its course. i wanted to see if i could pull off adding that piece here so that you could all link your wordles to me, but i guess i should have known it wasn't going to happen before i even started. i don't think i'll ever get all that html crap anyway. well, the thought was there, and that should count for something.
*i'm sorry this picture is so small. i have no idea how to make it bigger and now i really need to go get ready or i'll be late and unprepared for work and then i'll get fired and then i'll lose my home and then my kid will starve. fuck you wordle! no really, it is kind of fun, if you can manage to get the right size to show up. any helpful hints?
**if you really wanted to humor me, you can click on the link. i know, i probably wouldn't either, it's ok.
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