Sunday, June 14, 2009

i miss you too!

hi blog! it'sa meeeee, maaaaaaaaaarriiiooooo!!! no, it's not. it's just plain old me, no cartoon plumber in sight.

it's been a while since we've spent some quality time together. i'm starting to feel like you're another kid that i have to take care of and nurture and shit. fuck that, i have enough responsibility in my life. i need to get back to the way things used to be, where we could tell silly stories and just enjoy a few laughs. no pressure.

over the past week there were a few things that i wish i could have shared with you, but for some reason i don't think i could get it together enough to spend more than five minutes at my computer. and when i did manage to find my way to the internet, it was only to play my neverending scrabble battle.

i thought for sure i was going to be able to write a nice cohesive post about safety coffins and those wackos out in arizona who buried themselves alive to see what it would feel like. talking about how bullshit it was that they had flashlights and sleeping bags in the graves would have done all the work for me.

instead, i'll just give you a picture.

then there's also the story about my unfortunate luck to be in the walk-in at work, carefully placing chives and chervil in their appropriate homes, at the exact moment that two of my coworkers decided a giant refrigerator was the perfect place to have a little secret sexy time.

there's no picture of that.

although, the respective spouses of the two in heat might appreciate a little photo evidence should they decide to go ahead with any divorces.

additionally, i think my dog might be spending some time doing things that i don't even want to imagine. $300 for the vet to tell us that his stank ear is caused by a thriving community of yeast feels like a punch in the babymaker. she gave us doggie monistat 7 and sent our little monster packing.

on a lighter note, perhaps the highlight of the week may have been when b came home from the gym, exceptionally proud of himself for his renewed commitment, claiming that 'in two months my muffin-tops are gonna be gone, son!'

and of course i have to throw some bloggy love to beckybecks who made me a lovely pic of her face on a stick body with huge tatas. we all know how i feel an unbridled kinship to any chick with huge tatas, those things are ridiculously hard to corral sometimes, i feel your pain becky! and thanks for the awesome pic!

so there it is, blog. i'll make a little more effort to not neglect you and maybe you could meet me in the middle somehow. i don't really know what that means, so i'm going to give you a day or two to figure it out.

love always,

your mom.


Kristine said...

I didn't hear about this Arizona coffin nonsense. Sounds intriguing. I mean, asinine.

I would love to see a photoshopped, I mean PAINTED picture of the walk-in incident.

Also, is that someone else's head on your award? It does not look like know, on YOUR award. I'm confused.

Logical Libby said...

Your vet gave your dog Monistat, really? I would be pissed too.

erin said...

My mom wouldn't know how to hoplink or how to post at all, really. Let alone break into your house, beat the crap out of you to get your password and then right this post and post it...

Miss Yvonne said...

"love always, your mom"...I'm LOL the shit out of myself right now over that.

Also, please tell me more about the walk-in sexy time people! Did you hide and wait it out? Did you politely clear your throat and leave? Did you pull up a crate, take a seat, put your chin in your hand and yell "nice dismount!" when they were finished???

Lana said...

k- my paint skills could never capture the intense awkwardness of the walk-in situation (i just got all grossed out thinking about it again)

ll- it's definitely a multi-step cleaning process, smells great too

erin- it took me FOREVER to figure out what the hell you were talking about :) and then i got it and laughed

miss yvonne- it just felt right, i mean, i am my blog's mom after all :)

i'm still a little traumatized about the whole walk-in incident, but i wish i was quick enough to throw a 'nice dismount' at them. instead i think i rustled some herbs in an 'i'm here' kind of way.

mylittlebecky said...

"rustled some herbs" that made me laugh (a lot).

god! now i've done something else wrong! (i'm sorry i didn't make your face have huge tatas on YOUR award BUT!!! then how would you have trapped yourself beneath it? yes, i know my paint skillz suck). now it aaaall makes sense.

don't feel guilty about your blog that makes it unfunness. just keep throwing us snippets of walk-in sexy time and we'll be grateful for the funiness that is mhp.

thank you for the luv (and the laughter).

Lana said...

becky- you rock! i'll show you luv anytime :)

miss. chief said...

have you ever read the Serpent and the Rainbow by Wade Davis?
he is all kinds of awesome
but anyway that book is a true account of him meeting some "zombies" in haiti.
they buried themselves in sort of safety coffins. with bells.

really, it sounds stupid but it's a great book, written from the perspective of a super duper smart ethnobotanist who got hooked up with national geographic and now his official job title is "explorer". AND IT'S ABOUT REAL ZOMBIES!
(sort of)

sorry, got a little excited there

Skitch said...

Figures that people in Arizona did weird things like that. It must be something out west that drives people mad.

It almost got me too but thankfully, I moved back east. ;)

Lana said...

miss- i'm so going to read that book! i'd get excited about it too :)

skitch- i think you got out just in time. if i see you with a big shovel, a sleeping bag, and gun heading to a remote spot in the woods i'm sending monster to come dig you up, so don't get any ideas.

Kristine said...

Becky, totally just teasing!

Sally-Sal said...

In the giant freezer?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

You totally had me fooled with that Italian accent thing. I thought it was-uh you, Mar-eee-oh!