Wednesday, July 22, 2009

you wish you were here

welcome to hell on earth. or just my house. whichever you want to call it.

mr. c invited himself over for a gawker's gander at my surroundings, and because we're practically neighbors (live in the same state) i couldn't possibly refuse him a tour. so come on in, if you want, no pressure. oh, and don't mind that smell, monster's ass sometimes emits a fishy odor when he gets nervous.

i guess the best place to start would be my bookshelves, a.k.a. toy storage.

here you can see we have our dear doggie's bed nestled in between the two bookshelves. this is precisely where he will remain for the duration of your visit, as he has a tendency to rip houseguests to shreds for the mere offense of walking through the front door. oh, and the painting above his bed might look a little familiar. it's an original oil piece done by my nana of myself and my brother. there's a freaky anecdote that goes with it, if you're interested.

mr. c is curious about my favorite bookshelf and what books it holds. it's so hard to choose only one favorite shelf when you can find any number of randomly interesting things. for example:

a: the toga iced tea bottle that my friend got for me from the dollar store when we were in eleventh grade (k do you still have yours? i don't think t does.)

b: my servsafe manual that proves i really do know how to make food without transmitting any parasites or bacteria

c: baby touch and feel animals

the technical analysis of financial markets is b's book.

mr. c also wants to know about what dvds are on my favorite shelf. i think i might only own about a dozen dvds so this one won't be too hard to answer. i find that most movies or shows i like are on one of the 800 or so tv channels we get, and if not, can be easily ordered through the cable box. as a result, the dvds that we do own are from at least six years ago and were dated even then. but here are some samples:

moving right along, the next stop on the tour is my favorite cookbooks. which again, i'm going to half answer because although i'm a professional chef, and have a jewish grandmother to unload her cookbook stash on me one piece at a time, i pretty much never use cookbooks. my favorite food books are more reference type. you can see them here:

the herb bible and herbs and spices are both excellent resource guides for almost every herb or spice you can think of. i usually don't have the patience to follow a recipe and often will read cookbooks like you would skim a boring magazine article, just enough to get the idea. although, this method frequently bites me in the ass when i make something i love and then try to make it again and have forgotten whatever it was that i did to make myself love it in the first place.

what's that, all that cookbook talk has made you hungry? well, if you're expecting me to cook dinner you have another thing coming. i usually don't like to cook big meals at home for a couple of reasons. one of them is named modesto, or something else similar, and his absence in my house pretty much means that either we're going out to eat or ordering in. we can go to the lovely mexican spot overlooking the river with killer burritos, or if you're daring, i could order one of those naked chicks to come over and let us eat sushi off her body:

on second thought, maybe that's not such a good idea.

ok, so maybe i can throw a few things together. i've been wanting to recreate this seafood ragout that i've seen at work. it's basically some shrimp, scallops, and mussels cooked with rosemary, thyme, white beans, and a saffron tomato broth.

but i'm also a huge fan of duck. so if i were planning a special 'i'm only cooking to impress you' dinner, i'd probably include some duck breasts with a pomegranate sauce.

or maybe a lamb roast with a mint and papaya slaw.

or i could make osso bucco served stew-like style over rice. i can buy the shanks with the bone marrow still inside for an extra treat.

or i could stop rambling already.

yeah, i need a beer too after all that mess.

lucky for you b and i drink beer like it's our job. i tend to prefer an ipa or lager, middle of the road i guess. nothing dark dark like a stout, but not light like that crap that comes in a can that changes color just so the morons who drink it can tell if it's ice-fucking-cold so that their taste buds will be numbed and not notice the obscene lack of flavor.

b's going to pick up a sixer tonight on his way home from work. the beer store down the road keeps dogfish head cold so that's definitely a favorite.

i hope you enjoyed my tour, or at least didn't hate it. and if you did hate it, maybe i'll send my monster after you to convince you how warm and welcoming my home can be.


Miss Yvonne said...

I REALLY want a beer now!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I've toured the Dogfish Head Brewery. I loved it. It was my favorite beer, back, you know, before the accident...

Critty Critty Bang Bang said...

Yay for pokin' around in the homes of others. *=-)

Your food ramblings made me quite hungry.


Mr. Condescending said...

Oh lana I wasn't sure how this was gonna go. I thought maybe it would be an inside day or a shooting star, but then I realized it started looking like a bullish harami and finally ended to be engulfing.

Does any of this make sense to you? It will to b. !

Can you order the sushi girl pleease? Oh wait, I'm not so sure that would be recommended in your safe food cooking manual!

Ill go for the lamb chops with papaya slaw, that SERIOUSLY sounds good!

Oh and I love the anectode about the painting, that super creepy!

Thanks for letting us visit, I'm sure everyone else will enjoy their stay!

Anonymous said...

Ahhh.... The Princess Bride. What a great one! And you can cook! I'm on my way!

The Peach Tart said...

Mr. C. tagged me too. It was a fun exercise. Seafood ragout. Yum. Dogfish Head beer. Refreshing. Count me in for the party.

Lana said...

miss yvonne- i love me a tasty brew! i'll pour you a cold one in a fancy beer glass.

mjenks- i'm jealous! the only brewery i've ever been to was the heinekin one, and i don't even really like the beer.

critty- hiya! and yay :) i'll cook if you bring the baked goods.

mr. c- haha! yeah, i knew enough about bull markets to decipher that message :)

and sure, i'll get the sushi girl, if you don't mind the implant juice leaking out when you puncture her with a chopstick. i aim to please :)

(i don't think i'll ever get a straight answer about that painting.)

jules- yay for visits!! now i have that line stuck in my head about 'you killed my father, prepare to die' with the funny accent.

peach- i'm going to have to come over and check out your digs! i love being the hostess, i just want someone else to clean up :)

Organic Meatbag said...

Duck, sushi boobs, AND The Ben Stiller show??? Your house rocks, Lana!!!

erin said...

We had sushi on Monday, no naked chick though.

I was going to do this Mr. C thing...but I assumed everyone's house was nicer than mine, and everyone else was much much more well refined and intelligent.

After reading yours and Kristine's welcome to my house posts, I have to reconsider that notion...


Girl Interrupted said...

This really made me laugh out loud, especially the naked sushi chick with the "flowers can't hide the smell" caption lol

Your menu sounds great, I'd happily sit and munch on some duck and drink a few beers with you ... if I can watch the Princess Bride ... and if Monster will let me

Ps: I love your Nana's picture! It's beautiful!

Lana said...

meaty- (can i call you that? i won't be offended if you say no.) thanks!! that means a lot coming from you, you crack me up daily :)

erin- umm, are you really calling me (and k) unrefined and stupid and trying to pass it off as a joke by putting a smiley face at the end of that blow?? or are you really joking?? because i can't tell.

gi- yay!! i was waiting for someone to notice that, i know the font is a little hard to read. don't worry, we'll bribe monster with some duck scraps and he'll be as cool as a cucumber.

and thank you about the painting :)

Organic Meatbag said...

Lana, you can call me anything you want...hahaha! The world is your oyster!

p-huong said...

I can't think of anything interesting to write because I'm just so surprised about the sushi girl. REALLY? Who comes with ideas like that??

Sami said...

That oil painting is the coolest -- my boyfriend's German grandma is one heckuvan oil painter, so we have a few really cool pieces around our place, too. But they're all dark and gothy -- you go, grandma!!

Lana said...

p-huong- hi! and yeah, sometimes i just have some randoms that i can't hold on to any longer :)

sami- hi! original artwork has the most amazing feel to it, i'm glad you can enjoy it too!

Anonymous said...

Mmmm hmmm, you are making me HUNGRY woman! And beer you say? I'm on my way. In fact, I might even be there by now, sitting on your couch, mouth open in anticipation like a baby bird waiting for a worm.

Mr. C. sure had a great week of eating everyone's fabulous concoctions. Well fabulous concoctions and my efforts anyway.