Monday, September 14, 2009

i respectfully decline the invitation

i love my cousins. and i'm not just saying that because they're the only two that i have, or not because they both read this blog.

i love my cousin laura because she's more of a sister to me than my real sister.

i love my cousin christina because even though we may not talk all that often, i still feel that we have many characteristics in common and can always find something to laugh about together.

so now that i've established the love-fest, it's time to share with all of you quite possibly one of the most disturbing things i've seen in a long, long time.

how many of you know what in the fuckity fuck this phallic looking thing is?

ok, so maybe that's not what they all look like, and i should know because i've just now browsed way too many pics in my google images search and still can't find one that conveys my absolute disgust at this product, but it's called a neti pot.

i can't even get into describing it's function in detail because it bothers me that much. but i will say that there are some sickos out there who deliberately put this mess up their noses in hopes of relieving sinus congestion.

oh yeah, and it makes liquid and boogies come out the other side of your nose.

it's so gross i can't even take it. i'm shivering in my chair this very moment just thinking about it.

i was recently made aware of this phenomenon of self-inflicted torture this past weekend as my extended family gathered to celebrate nana's eightieth birthday. apparently, i'm the only ass who's not only never heard of a neti pot, but who also equates its use to being raped by a horse up your nostril.

laura proclaimed with conviction, 'oh yeah, i love my neti pot. you know what? i'm going to have a neti potti so we can all sit around with clean sinuses and smell things better!'

i asked permission to use 'neti potti' but only so i could burn it up.

this is what i think maybe laura thinks when she says neti potti:

this is what i think when i hear neti potti:

the best way to get out of trouble is to stay out of trouble from the jump. look at how brainwashed those poor cartoon folks are. their eyes are glazed over to disguise the humiliating and invasive nature of it all, as they use a neti pot with a decorative flower etched on the side to distract you from the gory truth. no friends, i can see clearly that no good can come of this.

laura and chris, i will drive hours and hours, with the fuss bitching all the way, just for five minutes with you guys, so long as i never, ever have to see a neti pot in real life.


for those of you who may have missed it, there's still time to enter my blogtastic giveaway!! i'll be drawing names and posting the winners thursday night the 17th.


f8hasit said...

Oh Gawd...someone once talked me into using one of these, and I'd rather be at Guantanemo Bay than use one of those again...

(althought the stainless steel one does have interesting lines...wouldn't it be interesting to set that fuckity fuck phallac thing out on your coffee table at a party and see what the reactions would be?!)

Skitch said...

You're completely missing the full benefits of this device!

Wouldn't it be great to entertain others after the thorough cleaning by inserting a thick piece of linguine (cooked of course...I mean let's not get ridiculous) into one side, pulling it out the other and maybe pretending you're a walrus?

And that's just the first such use I can come up with! Imagine if I really had extra time!


Proud Maisie said...

Is that thing for real...? Jeeze.

Anonymous said...

I have HORRIBLE sinus issues. I tried the netti pot once (although mine doesn't look like THAT thing!!). It hurt like HADES! NEVER AGAIN! I don't care WHO swears by it!

Organic Meatbag said...

It looks like the Tin Man's sex toy!

'Cuz I Felt Like It! said...

My mohter in law suggested I try a neti pit for my daughter. I said "oh, hell no....I ain't gonna try to purposely drown her!". Two weeks lately EVERYBODOY was talkin' about what miracles these things were (evidently Oprah said so).

Finally, so desperate that I'd try anything to help the girl breathe outta her nose, I figured I'd give it a try....but on me first.

I was expecting ass tons of goo to come outta my nose, but only got a couple boogers and bubbles. It didn't do shit, but make me gag a couple times.

No bueno.

mo.stoneskin said...


Where did you say you got it again?

Badass Geek said...

Nasal rape. That is the BEST thing I've heard in a long time.

Christina said...

I have to admit, I have never tried the neti pot. I actually never thought much of it.
Now, I am thoroughly grossed out!

Thank you for setting me straight!

and to your cousin Laura, I won't be offened if I don't get the invitation at all to The Neti Potti

(said with the south shore mass accent!)

Love you cuz, can't wait for the next time we get together!
Give the fuss a big hug and a kiss for me. (oh and brian too)

erin said...

I can't get the nasal rape picture out of my head.
Now I have begun to be automatically offended by neti pots.
Let's drive cross country, collect up all the neti pots and throw them into the sea (the pacific, of course...not our darling atlantic).

Anonymous said...

Is that thing for real? Wonder how someone actually came up with that device.....

Lana said...

f8- if you put that thing on your coffee table i'm coming over to see what people think of it, and then to tell them how gross it is :)

skitch- eeww :( using it to give monster a colon cleanse seems like a better option than trying it out on myself. but then again, i am a sadist...

maisie- a google images seach will supply you with more than you'll ever need to know

jules- while i have sympathy for a sinus condition, i am so glad that you have not turned to the pot for your answers. stay srong! (if you win my giveaway i'll throw in some claritin :))

meaty- that is an excellent observation! you actually reminded me of a sex toy story i may or may not tell on this blog sometime soon :)

cuz- you're smart/brave for trying it on yourself first! oprah has to be wrong sometimes i think. it's just percentages.

mo- i'll tell you if you use it on the bus and take video of everyone else's reactions

badass- i hope you don't think as visually as i do, it's not always a gift.

chris (aka, ceecee)- if you weren't grossed out before i'm sure nasal rape may have helped with that :) and i thought about writing 'neti party' because that's how it looks in my head, but then i remember that 'r's are illegal in MA....

(i already sent b the email ;-) )

erin- yes! or smelt them all because fire is fun. way more fun that nasal rape for sure.

courtney- i can't even go there. seriously, what the fuck?!

otherworldlyone said...

That is nose rape at it's worst. Except maybe not counting that time I got jizz up there...that was bad.


Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

OMG! Someone actually brough their netti pot thing into work one day! FOUL!

Lana said...

owo- if we weren't internet besties i'd have to tell you how gross that overshare was. as long as it wasn't a horse, that would be crossing a line :)

bs & bc- ILK!!! how could anyone think that that's ok?!?

I'm thinking that ....... said...

Ok, somebody has to speak for the other side for god's sake, well, maybe not for god's sake but for the Nedi's sake!!!
I use it regularly, and it is just not bad at all....actually it works great, give it a chance....
I think that maybe it would make a good Birthday present Lana, what do you think?
Your old auntie!

Lana said...

aunt d- hahaha! thanks for bringing some balance to the party :)

i still maintain that i'd be too uncomfortable thinking about it all to actually allow the process to help me in any way. this was all in good fun though. i hope you didn't find it too offensive because that's not at all why i wrote that.

and thanks again for everything this weekend. i'd never have learned about the pot without us all getting together at your place ;-)

Laura said...

i'm so glad we could educate you about "the pot" this weekend. i was going to send you one for the birthday coming up but frankly, i'm scared for the thing at this point. and, if there were really going to be a "neti potti" at my house i could not include you now that i know your feelings.
btw...have you visited a real earthy crunchy health food/vitamin store. you would have material to write about for life. there's all kinds of these things on the market. i hear there's something to do with draining ear'd love it! :) love you too!

Lana said...

laura- thanks for the tip! ear wax might be more offensive than sinuses :) have fun at your potti!! hugs!

Stacie's Madness said...

looks like a smoking pipe to me ;)

you have an award at my place!

mylittlebecky said...

dude. if it HURTS? ur doin it rong. I LOVE MINE AND I DON'T EVEN CARE YOU THINK I'M GROSS! in other news, don't hate me forever.

otherworldlyone said...

That's good to know. Also, just so we're clear...I'd never let a horse hang out with his wang out around meh face.

Anonymous said...

You have to express more your opinion to attract more readers, because just a video or plain text without any personal approach is not that valuable. But it is just form my point of view

Anonymous said...

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And according to this article, I totally agree with your opinion, but only this time! :)