dear pants,
ok pants, i thought we were going to enjoy a nice long late summer/early fall season together. you all well-fitting and perfectly cropped just below the calf, me all happy and flirty wearing pants that make my ass look amazing.
but i guess you had other plans.
getting caught on the sharp edge of the eraser holder of a dry erase board may have been your greatest backstabbing gesture yet. the inch long tear on the right butt cheek, below the pocket, complete with bleeding puncture wound to said cheek, has more than tried my patience.
not only did my hopes of having a marvelous, feel-good pair of pants die on that dry erase board, but the humiliation continued as i had to leave a meeting in which everyone present watched your cruelty unfold, and then proceed to crackhead alley, also known as grand street in newburgh. walking in the absolute worst part of town, with a bloody, exposed butt cheek was nothing less than horrifying.
i had thought for a second about how vindicated i would feel by ripping your ass to shreds and using pieces of you to clean monster's crate. then i realized that i'm just so disgusted by your betrayal that i can't bear to look at you anymore. you and your bloody hole are going right in the garbage, and don't come back, you hear!
thank you for your attention in this matter.
sincerely,
i'm not into the ass-less chaps look, ok?!
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12 comments:
I've had this same thing happen - bastard pants. Good riddance.
as opposed to the assed chaps? the ass-full chaps?
ouuuuch! :( That has happened to me before actually with brand new jeans. I missed the step coming out of a PetSmart and skinned both my knees and tore big holes in the jeans. Lets just say I don't pull off the torn jean look. lol So they had to go. :(
"You and your bloody hole are going right in the garbage..."
Do you know how much restraint I'm using right now? I'm shaking with the effort in trying to remain civilized.
When The Gap used to sell those soft jeans years ago, I sat down at a party and ripped a whole leg off at the thigh. Awk-ward!!
A couple of years ago, one of my favorite pairs of pants also did the ass-shred. Fortunately, my bum remained unbloody.
I'm sorry for your loss.
hahah, oh, that is funny...so sorry!
rita- down with pants!!
(you know what i mean, right?)
miss- i have been known to rock some full blown chaps before in my past. no i haven't.
badass- right! i need to re-establish a relationship with skirts and shorts and maybe even skorts with a quickness.
bigmamacass- hi! and those damn jeans! i'll beat them up if they ever try to mess with you again.
steamy- hi! and whoa boy, you have no IDEA how much restraint i had to use to not make that line any grosser. gutter-brain and potty mouth usually have their way with me.
mjenks- my loss is also my gain, now i get to go shopping and blame it all on the pants when b gets the credit card bill.
stacie- at least i can laugh about it. stupid pants, you haven't gotten the best of me!
And that's why I don't wear pants.
Ha! Ha! You wrote to your jeans! I once wrote to my nosespray!
Doesn't it suck when something you love so much lets you down.....
Hahahahaha! Oh Lana, best open letter ever...assless chaps only belong in the Blue Oyster Bar...
courtney- sometimes we're better off without them
veg- right?! asshole pants.
cuz- ugh, i hate being let down. i was so ready to wear these pants for another few months.
meaty- thanks :) and blue oyster bar??
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