Friday, August 14, 2009

dear so and so; revenge isn't always the answer

Dear So and So...

dear pants,

ok pants, i thought we were going to enjoy a nice long late summer/early fall season together. you all well-fitting and perfectly cropped just below the calf, me all happy and flirty wearing pants that make my ass look amazing.

but i guess you had other plans.

getting caught on the sharp edge of the eraser holder of a dry erase board may have been your greatest backstabbing gesture yet. the inch long tear on the right butt cheek, below the pocket, complete with bleeding puncture wound to said cheek, has more than tried my patience.

not only did my hopes of having a marvelous, feel-good pair of pants die on that dry erase board, but the humiliation continued as i had to leave a meeting in which everyone present watched your cruelty unfold, and then proceed to crackhead alley, also known as grand street in newburgh. walking in the absolute worst part of town, with a bloody, exposed butt cheek was nothing less than horrifying.

i had thought for a second about how vindicated i would feel by ripping your ass to shreds and using pieces of you to clean monster's crate. then i realized that i'm just so disgusted by your betrayal that i can't bear to look at you anymore. you and your bloody hole are going right in the garbage, and don't come back, you hear!

thank you for your attention in this matter.


sincerely,

i'm not into the ass-less chaps look, ok?!

15 comments:

Rita said...

I've had this same thing happen - bastard pants. Good riddance.

miss. chief said...

as opposed to the assed chaps? the ass-full chaps?

Badass Geek said...

Pants are evil. EEEVILL.

bigmamacass said...

ouuuuch! :( That has happened to me before actually with brand new jeans. I missed the step coming out of a PetSmart and skinned both my knees and tore big holes in the jeans. Lets just say I don't pull off the torn jean look. lol So they had to go. :(

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

"You and your bloody hole are going right in the garbage..."

Do you know how much restraint I'm using right now? I'm shaking with the effort in trying to remain civilized.

When The Gap used to sell those soft jeans years ago, I sat down at a party and ripped a whole leg off at the thigh. Awk-ward!!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

A couple of years ago, one of my favorite pairs of pants also did the ass-shred. Fortunately, my bum remained unbloody.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Stacie's Madness said...

hahah, oh, that is funny...so sorry!

Lana said...

rita- down with pants!!
(you know what i mean, right?)

miss- i have been known to rock some full blown chaps before in my past. no i haven't.

badass- right! i need to re-establish a relationship with skirts and shorts and maybe even skorts with a quickness.

bigmamacass- hi! and those damn jeans! i'll beat them up if they ever try to mess with you again.

steamy- hi! and whoa boy, you have no IDEA how much restraint i had to use to not make that line any grosser. gutter-brain and potty mouth usually have their way with me.

Lana said...

mjenks- my loss is also my gain, now i get to go shopping and blame it all on the pants when b gets the credit card bill.

stacie- at least i can laugh about it. stupid pants, you haven't gotten the best of me!

Courtney said...

And that's why I don't wear pants.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

OUCH!!!!

I think it's only fair you rip its ass to shreds as it did rip YOUR ass to shreds after all. Stupid pants. :)

'Cuz I Felt Like It! said...

Ha! Ha! You wrote to your jeans! I once wrote to my nosespray!

Doesn't it suck when something you love so much lets you down.....

Organic Meatbag said...

Hahahahaha! Oh Lana, best open letter ever...assless chaps only belong in the Blue Oyster Bar...

Lana said...

courtney- sometimes we're better off without them

veg- right?! asshole pants.

cuz- ugh, i hate being let down. i was so ready to wear these pants for another few months.

meaty- thanks :) and blue oyster bar??

Girl Interrupted said...

Those traitorous bastards! Go out and buy another pair, on the rebound, and show them you can live without them!