Wednesday, August 12, 2009

two-fer, enjoy it while you can

posting twice a day around these parts is pretty much unheard of. except that i'm super extra motivated today. today i'm full of that 'i can get everything done without wanting to kill myself' kind of energy. i think it started with the gym this morning.

i've been working out a lot more than i ever thought i would lately. i might have dropped a hint about my birthday coming up soon, and being that it's my thirtieth, i'm pretty sure that b is planning a surprise party for me. except that i don't think he knows yet that i know. sorry, b, but i know. unless it's all a rouse to throw me off track! that could be fun.

right. so the impending birthday celebration has brought the type of clarity to my mind that some people claim they experience right before dying. it is imperative that i work the shit out of my lazy ass at the gym so that i can look ridiculously, unattainably hot at my own birthday party.

i have about a month. this pressure is certainly enough to get me through the front door of the gym, but sometimes i need just a little bit more to really help me make the most of my workout. luckily, my fellow gym members are there to push me along.

first i'd like to thank the short woman with dark hair next to me on the treadmill. dear woman, your abuse of stinky, musky, and altogether cheap smelling perfume does more than mask your sweat-stench. it advertises that you do not like to smell other people's sweat. while this might be a classy sentiment in your mind, it's really just a tool i use to run faster and sweat more.

i'm determined to make you smell my sweat if i'm stuck here choking on your bad taste.

i ran harder than i have in weeks.

next i'd like to give a very special shout-out to the girl on the elliptical talking on her cell phone. while i have my music on full blast so that i don't actually have to listen to you talking, i can tell that you are by no means out of breath. if you are taking up space in this tiny cardio room and not breathing heavy, and can even carry on a phone conversation, than you're wasting air.

to make up for your lack of intense respiratory activity, i will breath faster and deeper and take up all that extra air that you're not using. my fully extended lungs help to propel my weight up this neverending motherfucking incline so that i can feel better about myself while you chat away.

lastly, but certainly not the least appreciated, is mr. old, old, OLD man on the cycle machine wearing a tank top. sir, your dedication to your physical fitness at your age is nothing less than commendable. also, the pea-sized globules of chalky deodorant caught in your armpit hair keep winking at me when you stretch your arms. it's the clearest sign yet that you have my back against musk-lady and phone-girl.

now that i know i'm not alone in my efforts to better myself, i am revitalized with my burning need to finish this workout and go the fuck home and eat some potato salad or something.

ahhhh, that felt good. i'm all limber and energized. it won't be long before i can put on a cute little dress and make my husband remember how hot i was when we first met. or, at the very least, i can distract him with a low-cut dress and my enormous tatas.


'Cuz I Felt Like It! said...

Lucky for you, all you had to stare at was deoderant balls in ol' dudes pits! I had a guy next to me once that had tons of little skins tags. Barf.

Badass Geek said...

Deodorant balls are uncomfortable.

Anonymous said...

Whoa, Blogger went down and I sulked. I was going to say, there you are being all active and here I am talking about cake. Such is life. :)

Organic Meatbag said...

Hahahahaha, great post, Lana...but it really could be least you don't have to work out behind somebody wearing spandex with a big shit stain on the back of them!

Lana said...

cuz- i'm glad i don't go to your gym! you can come to mine they're having a summer special right now, great deals.

badass- more uncomfortable for me or the old guy? i think i win that one.

veg- um, the whole reason i'm working out is so that i can binge on birthday cake :) do you take special orders for that marble creation? i can't bake for shit.

meaty- eeewwww!! yeah, that might be enough to motivate my ass right the hell out the door.

Stacie's Madness said...


Anonymous said...

And this right here would be the reason we bought an elliptical for the house....

Harna said...

My motivation is my crazy ass kickboxing instructor who literally screeches with glee and makes all sorts of other noises like, 'Hu, Hu!' and 'Ooooooow!' That and the giant pizza I know I'm going to eat when I get home...

Lana said...

stacie- hi! and thanks :) i often have to remind myself to be less negative about things, and stories like this are usually what precipitates.

courtney- genius!! although i have to say the hour and a half break from the fuss while she's at the gym day care might almost be worth deoderant balls in my face.

harna- hi! and i'm so going to work out with you!! you buy the pizza and i'll bring the beer.

Skitch said...

Lol...30 seems like a long way off to me now. Almost a decade! ;)

But I feel younger because of all the enormous tatas out there! >:)

Hope you guys get to celebrate your birthday in style!

Lana said...

skitch- thanks :) and i'm sure as long as there's a babysitter in the picture somewhere, we'll have a great time!