Monday, August 17, 2009

life can be easier to take if you pretend it's a game

hello kiddies! and welcome to this monday afternoon edition of waiting room hell! the producers and i hope you'll enjoy the show. now if you'll sit back, stretch out, and grab something handy to break in sheer frustration, preferably glassware, we can begin.

our first contestant is mr. snots-a-lot. as he moves in for his initial approach, clearing his phlegmy throat with a loud ugh-hhhhuugghhh, i (your host/judge) have begun to shift in my chair to face the opposite direction.

mr. snots-a-lot barks in his deep, gravel pitch, 'boy or girl?!'

i challenge him by turning farther to the side, giving him more of my back and less of my profile.

'hhhmmmmuugggnnngghhh!! BOY or GIRL?!'

his persistence is setting the bar high for our other competitors.

'meeeeessss, the baby, is BOY or GIRL?!?!'

dingdingding! we have our first winner folks. yes, that is a baby that i'm shielding from your superfluous snot display. congratulations pal, you officially win the title of grossest waiting room attendee.

not to be outdone, our next contestant, mrs. i'm-so-old-i-can't-find-my-grave, quickly enters the game with a gnarled finger pointing toward the golf ball-esque growth on her neck screaming 'it huuuurrrts!' she follows up with a friendly, albeit warbley, 'good morning' announced to no one in particular at 1:30pm.

bonus points for making herself heard across the room and down the hall. what a strategist, that one.

but today was not the old gal's day. she was soon to be crushed in a battle for the title of most randomly annoying waiting room attendee but our third and final contestant, mr. chatterbox.

mr. chatterbox is one stiff competitor. if you see him approaching, you'd do well to up and leave whatever waiting room you're in and forget about whatever business brought you there in the first place. he pulls no punches in his game. his disguise of a lightweight suit with co-ordinating tie and pocket square might lead you to underestimate his abilities.

without any prompt whatsoever, he will sit so close to you that you will be able to inhale his toupee glue. but before you even get a chance to enjoy the high from his noxious hair chemicals, he will proceed to talk loudly into his outdated cell phone about his last physical, nodding and winking at you all the while, just to make sure you're getting every last word pounded into your cerebrum.

his blatent disregard of the written no-cell-phone rule, as well as the unwritten get-the-fuck-out-of-my-personal-space rule, earns very high marks. to ensure a win though, he's got to bring everything in his repertoire for the finale.

he does not disappoint.

mr. chatterbox assumes the tone of voice that he thinks resembles andrew dice clay, and begs the crowd for a little forgiveness. only he's trying to be rodney dangerfield. his misuse of two of the most eternally obnoxious 'comedians' is enough to guarantee a landslide victory. if only he'd added a little carrot top to the mix, he could have broken the world record.

on that note, we'd like to thank you for tuning in, and we'll see you next time here on waiting room hell!

(this program brought to you by our sponsors, toyota and frosty paws doggie ice cream treats.)


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Yech. The only thing you're missing is the drugged-out crazy woman, which is what I had to endure the last time I was in any sort of waiting room. What made matters worse is that she looked like a giraffe, to boot.

Organic Meatbag said...

At least there was nobody in there talking about being drippy-dicked from their latest herpes attack...hahahaha!

erin said...

My dad is a pharmacist and I grew up spending way too much time with the grossest people ever.

Hostile drug seekers, smelly obese men in motorized wheelchairs, senile old women who think you are their children, or worse yet their pets... the list goes on and on.

The library is another place I run into these same's enough to want to stay home ALL THE TIME.

Badass Geek said...

Oh, so we go to the same doctors office, then.

Lana said...

mjenks- oh, she was leaving as i was coming in. small miracles, eh?

meaty- well, who needs to be in a waiting room for that kind of talk? :)

erin- yuck! but then again, i always complain about needing more adult contact....

badass- oh yeah, i thought that was you scowling at absurdly slow nurse last time i was there!

PorkStar said...

There should have been an twist in the plot of the story, where the person getting annoyed would get up and club the motherfucker with the heel of your shoe, preferably from the back of the head. That would shut him up for a while.

Lana said...

porkstar- yes!!! i love that idea. can i borrow it for the next episode? i'll totally give you a writer's cred.

Anonymous said...

And this is why I don't go to the doctors.....