Monday, June 1, 2009

my long weekend didn't do much for my writing skills

i think google is mad at me. i might have pushed it over the edge when i didn't want to look up the proper meaning of sadist vs. masochist.

google feels threatened that i no longer care about finding out the exact meanings of things and that i can live my life happily ever after with unanswered questions floating around in my head.

you know what google, not everyone needs to search things all the time. so stop letting all that shitty junk mail into my inbox to try and make me pay attention to you, or guess what, i'll boycott your ass. i'll start writing real letters and mailing them to people, through the postal service, to read instead of using blogger. i bet that'll make me really popular, and you'll lose all that potential revenue from the ads on my blog. you know, those little unassuming links in my sidebar that usually talk about bed bugs or chinese thongs (thank god we got rid of that one).

and you know what else, google, if that's even your real name, i'm still kinda mad at you for making me have to be invisible every damn day on gchat. marvin's still stalking me. isn't there a setting somewhere that will let me just be invisible to one person? if not, i suggest you get on that piece because it's getting really old having to go through those two extra steps to open a chat window with b while he's at work.

so guess what i'm going to do now, i'm going to do your job for you, stupid google. i'm going to answer some really important and profound questions that were recently posed to me. because everyone knows that if you post questions on your blog i am obsessively compelled to answer, much like a dictionary with tourette's.

my little becky, who hangs out over at i'll go eat worms, was the latest to test this theory. while we haven't been friends for very long, i can say that her poignant probes into the recesses of my mind are truly astounding. and for that, becky, i made you a special present. and also because you love doggies as much as i do. so before i get to the questions, i want to give you this:

thanks becky, for understanding the ups and downs of being a dog owner, and also for making up your own words all the time. i'll completely understand if you don't like my present, and i may or may not steal it back to put on my blog as well.

and off we go:

13. if you were an animal and you couldn't get that eye goop that gets in your eye corners from everyday living or baby zebra killing would that just totally drive you frickin insane? additionally, would you lick the eyegoop out of your cheetah lovah and cheetah baby's eyes because, you know, appearance may not be everything but eyegoop is juss nast? and would you sit butt to face sistee nine style to flick flys off each other with your tails?

eye goop is quite possibly one of the most disgusting things on this planet. i avoid the ones on monster's face at all costs, and leave them to grow and harden to the size of small pebbles until they either fall off from gravity or b sees them and cleans them for me. so no, i will not in any incarnation have anything ever to do with goop.

14. bonus! what is the name of my favorite freckle?

hairy petunia

15. if you had whiskers would you grow them out or would you keep them at a respectable length? can you tell that i'm watching a nature show while writing questions?

what i am starting to think is that you may have confused me with some other cat loving blogger, because i hate cats and all cat things, including whiskers.

16. don't you hate it when t9 is like being a bastard and keeps putting of instead of me or good instead of home? why can't they fix that?

ok, you definitely have me confused with someone else! how could you, becky?! are all my posts about my smelly dog not enough for you to remember me? i mean, i can see how you might make this mistake, kristine is my friend in real land, outside of blogland, and we do sometimes make cross-references to each other. but since we are in fact separate people, when her kid t9 is being a bastard i really don't give a what because he's not mine and i only see him like once a week.

and that shall now conclude this round of 'questions i answer so i don't have to think of something extraordinarily witty to blog about' for today. i will try to bring the clever/originality sometime soon, but no promises.


Mr London Street said...

I have a friend called Ivor. T9 predictive texting comes up with "guns", "gums" and "hump" before finally coming up with "Ivor".

The people who designed T9 obviously know him.

mylittlebecky said...

a) you're a horrible mother (eyegoop causes cancer if not immediately removed. now your cheetah baby has cancer. i hope you're happy.)

b) dogs have frickin whiskers! or are yours some sort of freaks of whiskerless nature? are they?

c) i was watching a show about CHEETAH'S (obviously!) gah!

d) her name is lola...

e) oh, you :)

NEXT TIME be a better dogmother!!!!

thanks for my super awesome picture! wooo! and also i think i fixed things, i have to do everything! yay!

Lana said...

mr london- hump is a great nickname, we should all be so lucky

becky- i'm the best dogmommy ever of all time because in the wild when all the people are dead my monster will know how to rid himself of his own goop. and you're welcome :)

Mr London Street said...

It's not a great nickname if you look like a camel.

Lana said...

ooohh, yeah, i guess that's rough. i was stuck with either llama or anal (my name spelled backwards), neither were very appealing to me so i know the pain of nicknames.

LiLu said...

"Hairy Petunia" is gold. Pure gold.

Miss Yvonne said...

ha ha...if that's even your real name. Classic!

Mr. Condescending said...

hey t9 can fuck stuff up all it wants, i love using it still. LOVE it.

Vic said...

Miss Yvonne stole my comment!

I think Google's real name is Herb.