Tuesday, June 2, 2009

drink if you dare, or if you want to get high

this morning i sat down to a healthy breakfast of super strong coffee and a (small) handful of jelly bellys to read the local paper. now this rag has been duly mocked for its ridiculous headlines, but every once in a while i will spot something that really hits home to me.

today is was this article. i'll spare you from having to read it, the link is there more to prove i'm not making this up. apparently there were almost 20,000 cases of red bull confiscated because they contained cocaine. now it all makes sense.

as my affinity for coffee may lead you to correctly surmise, i got hooked on caffeine early in my youth. recently i was reading over at children of the 90s about surge, but i have to say i never got into that one. jolt was my gateway drug of choice.

i never did (and still don't) enjoy soda in general because i found the syrupy sweetness only made me more thirsty. but i would down a can of jolt in no time just to get the shakes that i craved so much from caffeine overdose.

once i discovered the magical powers that coffee had for my awful hangover that lasted from when i was nineteen to about twenty four, i was fully dependent. i've never gone back to energy drinks and i can't say i miss them. b, on the other hand, will relish the high that nothing else can bring like a red bull and vodka to an empty stomach.

i knew something had to be unnatural about this combo when the sweet, charming man i knew and loved turned into a raging ball of hate after only about eight large drinks. unfortunately for me, the concert we were attempting to see offered only bud, bud light, and red bull and vodkas. being the beer snob that i am, and unable to handle any liquor whatsoever, i was sullenly sober.

the more b drank, the more i counted down the minutes until we were escorted out of the concert. thanks a lot modest mouse, you sounded great from fucking outside. so as we stood in the street in front of the venue, b's apology came to me in the form of him offering up suicide as a way to garner my forgiveness.

'i'll fucking kill myself for you, is that what you want? look, i'll kill myself on this bus!!' he screamed as he attempted to run into the front end of a parked bus. after he was sure that i was thoroughly impressed with his brazen bus-suicide, he allowed me to put him in the car and drive home.

to this day, i will protest loudly if he even looks in the general direction of a stash of red bull. and now, this very morning, i am vindicated. so what the coke was found in china, it still could end up in american red bull somehow, and for that i feel justified in breaking b's habit. i'm not a nagging wife, i'm a champion of heart health and savior of parked buses in the greater ny metro area.

and now that it's nearly 10 am, i need to go make another pot of coffee for my late morning fix.


Deutlich said...

old sodas make me all reminiscent and stuff.

remember clear pepsi?!

erin said...

Wow, Jeremiah and I had the same experience at the Ben Folds concert, except he wondered around outside picking fights with strangers and I stayed inside and danced with these two very aggressive lesbians. At least they had nice breath. I'm always afraid of ending up super close to someone at a concert with super stinky breath.

Mr. Condescending said...

I try not to drink soda much, but it is pretty tasty. I used to drink the clear jolt, I think it was grape flavored. I like coke zero that's pretty good!

Jerrod said...

i would drink jolt while i ate fun dip.

i literally thought i was transparent i could walk through things.

...i couldn't.

Kristine said...

That very story was the one that prompted me to start blogging about 5 years ago.

Except my version included the other half--my role in the debacle--which will (thankfully) remain pleasantly omitted.

Wow, that was awkward said...

I hate coffee so I drink tons of chai and diet cokes. But not together cuz that would be gross.

Sally-Sal said...

Cocaine is a hell of a drug -- Rick James

mylittlebecky said...

i just got off of diet coke! it was haaard (that's what she said).

ps red bull is gross

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I tried Surge. Once. It was the nastiest thing I've ever put in my mouth...that I'll admit to in public.

Lana said...

deutlich- eeeww. remember the snl skit for crystal gravy?? i tried to find a clip for you but apparently they don't exist anymore.

erin- all the coffee always gives me stank breath, if i see you at a concert i'll try to remember my altoids

mr. c- i don't even know how i could stomach that stuff, it was so gross

jerrod- fun dip!!!

k- some stories, especially this one, are best left as vague as possible. no good can ever come of letting this one out of the bag.

wow- i thought chai was caffeine free?!? that's what the assclown at starbuck's told me when i was preggers and trying to avoid caffeine :(

sally- word, thank god i never went there. me and my addictive personality would have been in trouble.

becky- congrats! and yes, so gross

mjenks- you're lucky, it could have been worse if you swallowed

Miss Yvonne said...

Is it wrong that I laughed hysterically at the thought of your man flinging himself at a parked bus? Because that shit is hilarious! Probably not at the time though, huh?

Lana said...

miss yvonne- NO!! it was so hilarious, even in the moment. i still laugh every time i think about it :) i only wish he could remember how funny it was and laugh with me.