Thursday, May 28, 2009

who's more annoying, me or me?

i realized this morning that i have this whole weekend off from work. i've been working so many weekends lately that i almost don't even know what to do with three days to myself. sometimes i'm so indecisive that it makes my head hurt, or maybe that's just a natural response to my multiple personalities battling it out in my brain.

either way, it dawned on me that i should probably take advantage of my sybil-esque tendencies and see what fruitful results i can elicit from deep within my psyche. this morning i took a very thorough survey of my peeps to see what they had to say about this whole 'free weekend' situation.

me: hey practicality, what do you think about this weekend? got any good ideas?
p: uh, how about vacuuming up this dirthole you live in for starters? then there's always laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, making baby food, more dishes....
me: yeah, ok i get it. you're boring, who's next?

me: what's up free spirit? what would you do with three days to yourself?
fs: oh hi! well let's see, i might take monster out for a really long hike up in silver mine or maybe even minnewaska. oooh, and i'd have to make sure i brought a notebook to capture any reflections i might be stricken with as i'm surrounded by nature's beauty. i might also want to start planting that garden i've been talking about. i could have all organic vegetables and then have some flowers on the edges to bring some harmony.
me: uh, that all sounds like work to me. i'm trying to not do any work here, maybe next time... i think i see paranoia over there, maybe she has something to offer.

me: paranoia, what the hell are you doing with all this foam padding stuff?
p: oh, just a little babyproofing.
me: um, i don't think monster is going to be very happy with padding on his feet. have you thought this through?
p: oh yes. this is exactly what the book said to do, cover ALL sharp objects in the house, and if you haven't noticed he's got some claws there.
me: o..k... you don't think that's a little extreme? i mean, he still has to walk, and it's not like the baby can get up onto his sleeping chair to mess with them.
p: uh-oh. is it too much? am i over-protecting? is little miss never going to learn to have natural boundaries? are other parents going to think she's spoiled? is she going to be able to make friends in kindergarten? is she...
me: that's enough! i gotta go see something, uh, over there. bye.

me: potty-mouth! you ol' bitchass! it's been too long!! maybe you can help me think of something to do this weekend. whattya got for me?
pm: for fuck's sake, enough with this indecisive bullshit. just get your ass out and do something already. b will be here to watch little miss, so you can go get shitfaced in the middle of the day if you want.
me: oooh that sounds fun! you coming?
pm: fuck that! it's supposed to rain. i don't go anywhere in the rain.
me: well, i can't exactly go out drinking in the middle of the day all alone. it's not that fun to get shitty and talk to myself.
pm: and that's so different from this crap you're pulling right now?
me: right. whatever. fuck off. i'm going to talk to laziness.

me: lazy, you have to have something good for me. no one else has been any help. i just don't know what would be the best way to spend my weekend.
l: go to the beer store, get a sixer of something new, put b on baby duty, and park it on the couch alternating between horror movies and super mario galaxy. done.
me: i knew i saved the best for last for a reason! you are so good at understanding me. how do you always have the right thing to say?
l: i'm really just too lazy for this conversation. can i go nap now?

i think laziness is my new best friend. at the very least, i should definitely listen to her a little more often. oh wait, i think i just did. i was going to make up some fun pictures in paint to illustrate this post, but guess what, i'm too lazy! so my words are all you're going to have, i trust you all to create wonderfully funny and appropriate images in your heads for yourselves.

and now if you'll excuse me, i think i need a nice long nap to help me gear up for all the sitting around i plan on doing this weekend.


erin said...

Most days I alternate between free spirit/potty mouth/lazy...which is just super annoying to everyone around me.

I get so antsy to do something productive, then end up drinking beers and reading books. Towards the end of the night I get all worked up again, like I have the urge to be that point I'm too drunk.

Sally-Sal said...

LOL! A sixer... I like your thinks.

Mr. Condescending said...

dont they say laziness is next to godliness?

Kristine said...

Haha! Dude, this post was hilarious. I'm jealous I didn't think of it first ;)

PS: word verification: "ramen" I think it's a sign.

Lana said...

erin- you may just be my twin soul

sally- i knew you would appreciate that one :)

mr. c- it should be, if i cared at all about being godly. i definitely do care about beer though, religiously.

k- thanks ;) and really, it's pure percentages, i was bound to write something at sometime that someone somewhere would rate just above 'this is so bad i want to asphyxiate myself' on a blogger scale.

Brian said...

I like 'lazy me' becuase he gets along so well with 'pizza hut me' and 'beer me.'

Miss Yvonne said...

I love potty-mouth and laziness. They are my homegirls. I listen to them all day long.

Which is probably why I don't have very many friends and I'm fat.

Meh, whatever.

Mr London Street said...

Laziness is the best policy. I can't remember who first said that, because clearly they didn't amount to much, but they were on to something.

Lana said...

b- that's the real reason we're married, i think laziness had a hand in our wedding too :)

miss yvonne- in my blogland, you are the nice prom queen who not only deserves all her accolades, but is kind enough to reach out to us little folk with a gentle hand :) and we should all live by the ways of potty-mouth and laziness.

mr london- i don't know either, so from this moment forth i will consider you the true and rightful owner of that phrase.