Friday, May 1, 2009

this is for you, punk!

in our house, punk is a term of endearment. just like the phrase 'do you need a beating?' which translates to 'stop being so cute or i'll have to beat you up'. angry fist shaking is never, EVER angry, it's always about 'how can you be SO CUTE?! i don't understand!!'

with that setting the tone, today is the two year anniversary of b and i getting married (even though it wasn't 100% legal the first time, we like to use this date because it's nicer) so i thought i'd share some of the highlights of our years together. i know i've alluded to that awesome pick-up line that started it all, and i think it's only fitting to begin there.

i'm 24, bartending at a local sports bar, annoyed that i have to make small talk to earn money, although flaunting my enormous tatas helped to reduce the amount of necessary small talk with certain customers. i've heard every line you could ever imagine, and was pretty proficient at the old 'fake smile, that's so funny! i'm rolling my eyes on the inside' move. and then b came in one night, gave me a few smiles for about an hour, and by the time he was sufficiently wasted, he blew my mind with 'hey, so, um, what do think about the property taxes over in sullivan county?'

this was pretty earth shattering because he was absolutely serious. he actually wanted to have a conversation. it was an instant connection, i answered him and then asked how long it took him to come up with a gem like that (which i already knew the answer to because it was on the front cover of the local paper sitting on the bar right next to him). we talked the whole rest of the night, and before he left he drew two stick figures on a scrap of paper, one with a word bubble that had his phone number in it, and gave it to me saying 'we should talk some more.'

i think it was maybe about ten days later, after spending every spare minute with him, that i knew i wanted to talk to him for the rest of my life. without getting all sappy, as i can easily do, i will say that we both feel lucky to have found someone we each love a little bit more every day.

we enjoyed ourselves, we went out partying a lot, and we made some wonderful friends.

we dressed up in costumes.

(b just looked over my shoulder and proclaimed, 'you're lucky it's our anniversary because there's no other way i would let you put that mess online.')

it wasn't long before we got an apartment together and i convinced b that we needed a dog. at first he wasn't so sure. but we went anyway and picked up our little monster at a shelter, putting him in a cardboard box in the back of my car. when he took a massive dump in the box, stepped all in the dump, and then put his shit paws all over b's shoulder, we knew we made the right choice.

then not long after monster showed up, we looked at each other one morning and decided to get married. a few months later we were in antigua, just us. no friends or family, it was perfect. we've never been the most romantic people, and this just felt so right to both of us.

i think it may have been the second that our plane landed back in new york that i became obsessed with having a baby. b was too, he was much more easily persuaded than with the whole 'let's get a dog' issue, as if he only had to fake putting up a fight this time because he thought that's how it was supposed to happen.

i'm so hardcore that i walked myself into the operating room for my c-section. no wheelchairs or gurneys here, thank you very much.

allow me to introduce little miss, also known as 'the fuss'.

she's been known to smile sometimes.

and here we are today, just two people being secretly mushy and in love on the inside, bitter and sarcastic on the outside just so that people don't think we're freaks because who could ever really be that happy, right?

happy anniversary babysnakes!!

*note: for those of you who may not already know, this is my b. that means don't get any ideas ladies, i once punched a chick in the throat... but do feel free to check it out and comment on how hilarious he is.


Sally-Sal said...

I laughed really hard at the 'do you need a beating?'

Your brand of happiness sounds like the lifelong kind. :o)

Bridget said...

aww, who knew schultz's could be romantic?

Great Post!

p.s. I'm breaking the rules at work by posting this! woot!

Bridget said...

Actually forget my last comment.

I know Schultz's can be romantic. We are lovers and fighters due to our awesome irish/german background.

Kristine said...

A few things:
1. Aww :) You guys are the awesomest.
2. I don't think I knew THAT was the pick up line. I just heard that the, uh, "stick figure" was well-endowed.

LiLu said...


This is really scary.

Because everything you described sounds so, so familiar... even down to the name "B."

I think we might be doppelgangers... :-) And it's so good to know there's someone out there who knows EXACTLY how I feel!

Lana said...

sally- i always do too :)

bridget- i never thought we were romantic, maybe i need to rethink what that means. also, props for already slacking off at your new job!

k- i'll take your word for it since you were there from the beginning :) and, i cannot believe that i actually forgot about stick man's junk!

lilu- i am your doppleganger, want proof? my dog's name is sampson (or sammy, fish-butt, or doofus) which is in fact a real-person and old-man name. b just called him monster one day and it stuck.

Brian said...

First off, happy anniversary, and you do need a beating.

Second, is the Fuss the cutest thing on the planet?

Third, I can't wait till the kids is grown, everyone's moved out and what that we can go back to partying like how when we first met. That's my plan.

Kristine said...

Holy assault threats! Did I miss something?

Dude, the bummer about the Internet is that people CAN flirt with your husband and you CAN'T punch them in the throat.

Mr. Condescending said...

hey lana your in my neck of the woods, kinda. Sullivan county though, yech. Loch sheldrake, roscoe, and liberty are places I wouldn't mind completely forgetting about.

Lana said...

b- YAY!! but i'm disappointed that you had nothing on the ol' creepy guy picture.

k- yeah, i guess i was trying to be funny with that one. would it have been better if i went with the 'i'll infect your computer with the demons that live in my computer' line? or is that too real of a threat? i guess i just wanted to throw a link to b without sounding like a broken record, not that i have anything to worry about :)

mr.- yeah, we don't go to them there (thar?) parts. lohud for life, son! (and just because you don't know me that well, that was a joke, i don't really talk like that)

Kristine said...

Rats. I thought maybe you had something juicy. :) Funny's okay, too.

Also, who the hell did you punch in the throat?! I forgot to ask that one. (You can just lie if that was a joke too, because it's so badass.)

Deutlich said...

Your baby is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO cute!!! And you and B are freakin' awesome.

Lana said...

k- i wish it were a joke. it was maybe freshman year in college. i totally was aiming for her left eye. when my weak-ass non-threatening fist landed on her throat all she did was look at me for a sec, take my car keys, and tell me to go lay down somewhere.

deutlich- no no dear woman, YOU are freaking awesome. i wish my boobies were as nice as yours. but yes, you are right about the fuss :)

Brian said...

Well can I flirt with myself online?

And I didn't say anything negative about Mr. Piklichu (man in the photo) because he visits me sometimes in my dreams and told me that if I ever spoke out against him he would possess my body and force me to do terrible things to my ballsack. So no, he is a completely normal and sane man.