Monday, January 4, 2010

i lurk you

blah blah blah blahg blahg blog blog bloggy blog blog.

i'm here, not that i expect you to notice... but i feel that i should at least make some sort of mention to the fact that i've been ignoring blogland for quite some time now.

i really don't have any reason for my absence, but i will say that it is definitely true to my character. i tend to end things abruptly, turn my back, and walk away never thinking twice about burning bridges.

so really, blog, you're lucky i felt bad for creating you and then leaving you hanging to come back here and give a little reconciliation an honest try.

if you, blog, were a garden that i nurtured and tended to so dearly in the warm summer months, you would have repaid me heartily in brightly colored blossoms and fruits. now the long, dark winter has turned my mind from the joy of your bounty and i am no longer satisfied with gazing upon your barren soil and forlorn stems.

i'm not like the other bloggers here in blogland, blog. i don't need to write. i don't write to fill a void, or to express things i cannot say in person. i write because i like to write. i like to tell stories.

but sometimes, i get bored with hearing my own point of view drone on and on in the same vein. i don't know how to change how i think, nor do i care to. i don't want to blog each and every minute detail of my life in some sort of journal-esque fashion. i don't want to write ridiculous and outlandish things to make myself stand out in the ocean of bloggers.

i really don't know what i want.

i want to not feel like a guilty schmuck for ignoring all the really nice bloggers out there who sent me heartfelt holiday wishes. i want to not feel overwhelmed with the reality of other bloggers, on the other side of a monitor, reading my words in their real lives somewhere.

it was way easier to blog before i realized i had an audience, albeit a small one.

maybe that means i'm self-conscious, although i'd never admit to that.

maybe i just need to change my perspective a little.

or a lot.

maybe that will be my work in progress.

maybe i'll just hope that no one will mind if i pretend to be invisible even though i'm really here.


inannasstar said...

write what you want when you want, this should be for you and no one else.

erin said...

I don't write until something comes to mind and then I go at it.

Or when one of my far flung relatives (or jeremiah's) complain about the lack of new photos...

Lora said...

we're here for you figure it out.
or when you don't.

love to you

Lana said...

inannasstar- thanks :) i feel that way about content, i guess sometimes i feel bad if i leave readers hanging. but maybe that's reading too much into it...

erin- flickr is a wonderful thing, all my ld relatives love it. plus, there's very little to actually write other than a caption.

lora- you know, after i reread this post, i was all annoyed at myself for sounding like such a whiney bitch. i guess there's a million different ways to blog, and if my way is sporadic, so be it :)

Vic said...

Sometimes my blog is like a big blinking cursor in my head, just waiting and waiting.

Glad you're here on whatever terms you want to be. :)

PorkStar said...

I love reading your blog. I'm a bad blogger, writer and reader altogether and I at times feel the same way you do. I've been about to shut down mine twice, but then I know i'll regret it. I also write because I like to write, and I dont like to feel the pressure of blogging if i dont feel like it. Therefore I dont, if i just dont want to.

I hope you don't stop writing, I enjoy your blog, dear.

Eventhough I am a lousy blog reader/commenter as well.

Jerry said...

You write because you enjoy it. Who can criticize that?