Tuesday, November 10, 2009

that's what he said

b said to me last night 'i wish i still blogged because i need to write about that shit.'

sensing something hilarious, and most likely offensive, brewing in his brain, i offered up my little slice of the internet for his use.

please enjoy, my husband brian:

Lana watches a show called "Hoarders" on (ugh) A&E. It's basically about a bunch of slobs who can't get their act together long enough to throw out the massive piles of garbage cluttering their filthy homes. The usual suspects are middle aged women with the ridiculous need to keep every single item and trinket that falls within the gravitational pull of their useless lives, and their pussy-whipped husbands who can't put their feet down and scream "enough!"

Is this all it takes to produce a TV show these days? Replete with darkly toned music and quack "doctors," A&E does a nice job trying to convince the viewer that these losers suffer from a disease, and that it's a "real problem." Please. All I see are a bunch of clowns who have decided that candy wrappers, old band-aids, and broken furniture are valuable objects to be cherished and protected.

I mean, is this like a joke or something? I could see if these people were hoarding actual treasure, then this would be something worth watching. If some dude had an obsession filling his home with gold and silver bars? Sure, I'd watch that. Or if it was at least something badass like a compelling drive to collect medieval death weapons. But some twit that hasn't figured out that rotten containers of milk and expired coupons hold zero value? No thanks.

I'm not sure who I hate more, the asshole junk collector or the buffoonish professional they always trot in to offer advice on how to diagnose the problem. Are they fucking serious? It's as plain as day! Throw that trash in the goddamn garbage and be done with it! No person on Earth has any possible reason to fill a 3,800 square foot house with used pistachio nut shells. What's even more insane is that some of these enabling spouses actually buy a second or third home to allow their bonehead partner to keep stuffing away more and more tons of rubbish.

Man, go find someone with a REAL problem, like a heroin addiction or something. These hoarders? They're seriously just homeless people with mortgages. Yea, exactly.


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I like b.

I like you, too, Lana. But, I could see me and b being good friends if, you know, I knew him in real life and lived up in your area and had time to like hangout and stuff.

Carol said...

I have seen this show once - the woman was hording food... absolutely gross. She had rotting pumpkins from a year ago sitting in her living room and when they went to throw them away she insisted on saving a few of the pumpkin seeds.

Personally I would rather suffer through The Andy Griffin show - can't stand Aunt Bea...

otherworldlyone said...

NICE! He gets nasty, Lana. Love it.

They are disgusting, you know. Saw a show Oprah did on them. Makes me want to vomit.

Logical Libby said...

I LOVE that show. Especially when the people start crying because they have to throw things like pet hair away. Makes my crazy seem so much more manageable.

Badass Geek said...

It is crazy, but these people do have problems that make themselves this way.

Lora said...

omg. that's my favorite show.

i'm so excited that i just typoed "factorytire" instead of favorite.


did I miss the season premiere? where the chick was all like "you lived like this for TWO YEARS and you didn't tell ANYONE?"

Lana said...

mjenks- i bet you and b would be immediate besties. he's kind of irresistable that way.

carol- hi! i loved that episode, especially when she tried to save food that was in a drawer of putrified goo.

owo- i am completely obsessed. it's like the most perfect train wreck ever!

ll- yes!! it's just so mind blowing to me that it's real.

badass- every time i try to tell b that, he completely rejects that as a real possibility. it just makes the whole show more entertaining for me to see him get so riled up yelling 'throw that shit out already!' :)

lora- it's my most favoritey! season premiere 11/30!! i can't wait to see the moldy dishwasher :)

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

That show makes me too angry. I have a hard time watching it. Hoarders are whiney sons of bitches, huh?

(Coming from a woman whose post today reveals that she keeps broken car parts from each of her accidents.)

Vel said...

LMAO b's hysterical...think maybe he should blog again.

But don't give away your blog too often...love it too much!

ps. Never seen the show but now I'm intrigued...like the kind of intrigued you get when there's an accident and you just know there's lots of blood but you stare anyway and then think about it all day.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

I can't watch that show. I hate clutter! UGH!

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

I can't watch that show. I hate clutter! UGH!

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Thanks 'Lana's Husband' that was a great post. A@E is quickly becoming the 'assholes and egos' network. Why don't they horde stuff if their cars so that you can combine that show with Parking Wars?

'homeless people with mortgages' is my new favorite term this week.

Lana said...

Hey guys, it's me b...even though there's a picture of Lana, just disregard that. Thank you all for your beautiful and heart-wrenching comments. When I win the $250,000,000 powerball lottery I won't forget you. Your comments mean a lot to me, so much so that I took a break from watching "Tool Academy" and organizing my powdered wig collection to write this blithering gibberish. Also, I think "The Goonies" was such a good movie in large part due to it's setting, the Northwestern Coast of the US. I think that area just makes TV shows and movies so much better. If it was set in Jerusalem I don't think it would have been as good.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

That's adorable...ONE post and he thinks he's can play with the big boys? Where was HE when you were building your audience, Lana? Now he just piggy backs on your great POV and soaks up the love like biscuits and gravy? It's sad to watch. Like a puppy with a fresh slipper.

Welcome to the joy of blogging 'Lana's Husband'. Find your voice brother and start a blog of your own. Your post was very good and I am just goofin on ya you big lug. Always room for one more.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe the professionals didn't suggest making art from the pistachio nut shells and selling it on Etsy. That TOTALLY makes more sense than pitching them.

BrightenedBoy said...

I hate to be Debbie Downer, but there likely is some kind of mental issue going on with these people. A normal, healthy person wouldn't be able to force themselves to collect trash or stockpile rotting food just for the sake of getting attention or annoying a spouse.

It sounds like it could be a legitimate emotional problem.

People with obsessive compulsive disorder, for example, have been known to hoard things because of an irrational fear that they'll throw something of critical importance away.