Tuesday, November 17, 2009

take that, sucker

hey reader, yes, you...

can you smell me?

i've worked up a dangerous sweat-stench that's most likely emanating from my body in visible stink lines. the noxious odor is probably making its way into my computer as i sit here type type typing away, through the nest of wires behind my ancient monitor, and directly into your private slice of internet.

this morning i had a glorious battle.

i wrestled with nature herself.

i bested a beast and made it squeal in agony.

i killed a spider.

but not just any spider. i discovered the queen disgusting spider of all gross spiders. she was rotund, with wiry black hairs covering her middle. she was about the size of a golf ball, or my hand. she moved so fast it was difficult to be certain.

she had built an elaborate web encasing the outer storm window in my bedroom, the one flanked by the pine tree that occasionally says 'hello' with a gentle scraping of pine cones across the glass.

within her masterfully crafted realm were two lesser spiders, probably males that she used as sex slaves. they were brown and skinny, small knots with little legs twisting out from their centers.

i took them out first.

as i slowly removed the web from the windowsill, i kept my eye on the queen. she darted towards my hands and then backed away slightly while circling for a better position. she was planning her attack. i knew time was running out.

in that moment of trying to keep my cool and finish the murderous job, i was struck with an idea. a notion so simple and yet so powerful that i knew i would not be defeated by the queen's venomous strike.

i reached for the hose of the nearby vacuum cleaner and switched on the suction.

the queen let out a singular wail of protest as her body was pulled through the vacuum hose and smashed into the filter. it was a defiant sound. one that makes me feel as though she may be back, vengeful and ready to rebuild her domain.

but not today.

today i am victorious.

and now, i'm going to recover from the exertion of this morning's efforts by sitting around feeling smug and superior to all spiders.


Badass Geek said...

Ah, victory.

It's such a glorious feeling, isn't it?

Laurnie said...

Oh I have SUCH arachnophobia, that reading this made me shiver. But I agree when one of those 8 legged freaks goes down for the count, I feel like Ive won the biggest battle of my life. Over something the size of my thumb. That cant be fair?

Miss Yvonne said...

You should change that vacuum filter. I bet she's in there, whispering your name and waiting for her chance at revenge.

Or probably not. :-)

erin said...

Jeremiah is the designated spider killer, if he's not here, Maxine takes his place.

Yes, my four year old kills the spiders for me. All the time.

Organic Meatbag said...

I think I would have made a good spider sex slave! All of this sweaty talk is making me tingle! hehehehe.,..

Vel said...

You know, I've had spiders crawl back out of the vacuum cleaner before. Um, just sayin'.


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

My cousin once tried to kill a spider with a hammer. Good idea right? Now, how about I tell you that the spider was sitting on a plaster wall.

LiLu said...

I literally shuddered at "wiry black hairs". You have my utmost admiration.

Lana said...

badass- the best! even if it is only over a lowly spider...

laurnie- they're so gross, and fast! i think that's what scares me, because really, i'm not fast at anything.

miss yvonne- i bet she is! fuck. that. changing the filter is b's job ;)

erin- i say anyone who can effectively remove the spider is old enough to do the job.

meaty- if she rebuilds and is taking applications, i'll pass on your name :)

vel- eeewwwwww!! gross. i hope not, because i don't have any other ideas for how to kill the queen dead. she was that big.

mjenks- a hammer requires way too much precision for me. plus even if you're successful (without putting a hole in the wall) you still have to clean spider guts. no thanks.

lilu- if i could have recorded the scream she let out when i sucked her up you'd lose it. pure terror.

mylittlebecky said...

dude for reals she's in there and i bet she's laying eggs or whatever. you'll have to burn the vacuum cleaner. to the ground. and... next time i have a spider? i'm calling YOU!

Anonymous said...

Did she have babies? If so, they are probably wandering around the house waiting for you to go to sleep.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

What a great story. I love the way you tell it. You can now graduate to the tarantulas hiding in the bananna box at the grocery store. That spider bitch didn't have a chance. You with your big human brain, opposible thumbs and vacuum technology were not match for her millions of years of evolution. When you sucked her into the filter you should have pointed at her and yelled in Calvin like fashion - THAT'S WHAT YOU GET! The queen is dead. Love live the Queen.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

UGH! I hate spiders! I want to puke every time I see them.....ewe! lol!

Harna said...

Ew, did you wield a giant shovel and protective clothing? *shudder*

Carol said...

Love my vacuum cleaner! I use it for many of these nasty little jobs.
Good call.. but ya' might want to change out the bag or clean the filter - one never knows!!

miss. chief said...

Wait, this spider wailed in protest?? That is something ... I didn't even know spiders could wail!

Lana said...

becky- i'm gonna keep a dustbuster ready in my car for when you call!

jules- sneaky spider babies! maybe i'll try and get monster to eat them before they get to the size of the queen.

cal- i would have except that i was too busy doing my scardy-pants dance.

bs & bc- that could be an excellent repellant. market that shit!

harna- no but i might have to keep than in mind in case she escapes the vacuum...

carol- that's my husband's job. no way am i going near that filter!

miss- it was this faint little squealing noise. or maybe i imagined it. either way, totally creepy.

prashant said...

I agree when one of those 8 legged freaks goes down for the count

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