Thursday, November 19, 2009

nice to meet you crazy, i'm dumbass

i used to think that crazy found me no matter where i was. after some healthy reflection, i think i've decided that i have a tendency to not only invite crazy, but also to perpetuate crazy.

often times, i find myself taking conversations so literally that i can get lost in details and miss out on the big picture. please allow me to share the following example: the story of crazy at the dog park.

the setting was a neighborhood dog park in the level opening at the base of a hiking trail. it was february and the snow was deep enough to require some serious footwear, yet not too deep as to trouble the dogs.

an older woman, dressed in a long sleeved tie-dyed shirt, sans jacket but equipped with a pretty hefty scarf, approached my perch on the picnic table. her pen-on-a-string swayed to and fro as her long legs marched deliberately through the snow.

polite chit chat ensued, nice nice blah blah.

then she says 'the good thing about all this snow is how it freezes the biems in the ground, even when they're still hot.'

trying not to show my confusion, i attempt to process this statement. did she just tell me she freezes bagels in the ground? does she reheat them or just eat them frozen? is there some sort of 'end of days' bagel stash outside her house?

you see, when she said biem, i heard bialy, somehow mispronounced. for those of you who might not know, this is a bialy:

a weird bagel with no hole. completely unacceptable if you ask me, but that's not the issue.

only after days of pondering the strange conversation, did i realize that she mean bm, not biem. bm for bowel movement.

she was talking about how nice it was that the snow freezes her dog's poo, thus making it easier to pick up. i, however, was completely unaware of this at the time. i asked her questions about how rapid the freezing process was, depending on the size and other factors. i even went so far as to ask how often she tried that method, and with any other things.

we had this parallel conversation in which we talked about two very different things for close to ten minutes. she was happy to oblige my inquiries and seemed to get more excited the longer we talked.

if my clever little monster hadn't chosen the perfect moment to attack her poor, ragged looking mutt, i might still be there now discussing the energy efficient option of using snow as a freezer.


miss. chief said...

AHA! She probably thought you were the crazy one for wanting to know so many details about poop.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

OMG! That is awesome! A 10 min conversation about dog!

Skitch said...

I love that she got even more excited talking about fecal freezing.

Kind of reminds me of the conversation I had with this random guy last New Year's Eve where it began innocently with talk of lack of quality family entertainment in Vegas and eventually segued to the fact that his uncle built rockets to destroy UFOs.

PorkStar said...

LMFAO... a lengthy conversation about shit. haha, nice nice..

Why can't people just say dog shit. Period.. BM.. lord have mercy

Harna said...

First of all, if someone chats about how awesome it is that the snow freezes dog shit, then goes on to call it "BM," that's pretty much the best person ever to have a confusing conversation with. You totally made her frozen BM lovin' day.

Lana said...

miss- i felt like the crazy one after that conversation. she was into it though, so at least i didn't make it any worse.

bs & bc- shit is the perfect euphamism for my conversational skills ;)

skitch- if i had been able to recognize that in the beginning, it would have been a whole different conversation.

pork- yeah, what is with bm?! that might have been the craziest part of the whole thing.

harna- i never looked at it that way. i guess i can take comfort in the fact that when she goes postal maybe i'll be saved because of our kindred spirit shit-talking.

Stacie's Madness said...


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Carol said...

How hard did you laugh after your figured it out? I could totally see myself doing that!!