Wednesday, October 7, 2009

when ugly attacks

today i'm going to share with you a story about one of the more frustrating situations i've experienced as a parent. if you know anything about how i write, i think you'll know not to expect any 'we went here, my baby cried about this, i changed a poopie diaper in the middle of a crowded store and it was so embarrassing but her cuteness made up for it' kind of crap.

it all began with the fuss's first birthday party last weekend. after receiving mostly really great mix and match clothing pieces for her, i called my cousin laura to ask what the rule was on returning the ugly stuff. i felt a familiar twinge of jewish guilt that my nana has instilled deep within my being rise up and bully me into a corner, smacking me in the face with a blunt 'how dare you! those clothes were picked out lovingly as gifts for your kid from her relatives who adore her. you need to get over yourself and be happy that she's as fortunate as she is to have those things.'

but then i remembered that i can exchange just about anything nowadays and that really isn't so bad. no one has to be the wiser. a few encouraging words from laura, who explains that it's better to get something you like than to have your kid look like a dumpster diver, and i was off to the mall, gift receipts in hand.

what i wasn't prepared for was being outsmarted by the reigning queen of ugliness.

this hideous creation has magical powers the likes of which i've never seen before and hope to never experience again for the rest of my life.

in the children's department at macy's, surrounded by endless aisles of pink and lace, i pulled the dress out and laid it on the customer service counter hoping for a quick and easy exchange. instead, the air around us turned black and foul. mysterious clouds formed overhead. spiders and worms came out of no where and began to make their way towards the evil dress-queen. i pressed my child's bear-head blankie into her hands and guarded her, trembling.

before my mouth could even start to warn the helpless cashier, snakes arose from the hypnotic leopard print and made an unearthly screeching. the cashier was instantly turned to stone, petrified and completely devoid of any remnant of human behavior. sounds emanated from within her rock-hard facade, 'we. cannot. take. this. dress. back.'

the cashier was trapped, held fast by the grips of the dress's evil powers. to save her i had to wrestle the monstrosity back into the gift box from whence it came. i closed the cardboard lid and broke the spell. the cashier awoke, free from the devilish hold, and gave me a blank stare as if the whole encounter had never happened.

i sullenly took the gift box back, knowing i'd never be rid of its terrible contents.

my feet were heavy as i walked away, stealing glances at the cute, normal looking dresses on the racks. they seemed to feel my pain, the various sleeves and price tags rustling with sympathy as i passed.

perhaps i should get used to losing. i am a parent, after all, and things can't always go the way i want them to anymore. but that doesn't mean my kid is going to wear the medusa dress. no, the best place for that mess is the garbage, so that no other child can be subject to the bad taste of a loving relative.


Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Garbage? That will do little to break the curse of that ugly dress. You need to kill a chicken and find some Voodoo Shaman to take off the bad ju ju that 'THING' gives off. And while you are at it have them sprinkle a little holy water on the relative that bought that dress. You got bigger problems that a poopy diaper. You have invited the 'BEAST' into your home.

On a lighter note - I got the package today. Thanks so much for the sweet noms. Admiral Fluffy would say thank you too but all I could get out of him was 'nom nom nom nom nom."

Proud Maisie said...

This would probably work better on an older child, but maybe it could be a discipline dress? You know, instead of time-out, you could make offending child wear the dress as punishment...

otherworldlyone said...

It's one of the worst things about being a parent. "Thank you! It's lovely!" As opposed to, "Where the fuck did you get this? A homeless person's dirty backpack?"

My daughter's father's mother (NOT mom-in-law or even ex mom-in-law thank jesus)is the worst.

Every holiday, birthday, and full moon she gives the kid a pile of clothing from the army store. You have to be in the military or a military family member to even get in there. And I'm not. So I have no way of returning the awful spandex and frilly abominations she hands out.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling depressed, I put them on the dog and laugh.

j-face said...

maybe i should have probably read the whole thing (wink) but why didn't they take the ensemble back? don't they HAVE to?

I also think if you see something like that on someone you can legally beat the crap out of them. that can be fun...

erin said...

Maxine loves the ugliest things. She has these leopard leggings that were my sister's hand me downs and my mom thinks are soooo cute...she wears them under everything. Just adores them, flits around the house like a little angel in them.

I never return anything...but that might be out of laziness.

Kristine said...

Hehe. Loved the bit about "we.cannot.take.this.dress.back"

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

I went shopping for dresses with my friend for her daughter the other day and there really are some ugly kids clothes out now.

Badass Geek said...

I swear to God, that woman works at the Rite Aid where I live.

Lola Lakely said...

This may be the post post I have read about "the struggles of mother hood." Hahahah. Lana, you are too funny. "the cashier was trapped, held fast by the grips of the dress's evil powers."- Awesome.

Lana said...

cal- yay!! i thought that stick and lick thing was so random that at the very least it would be entertaining to watch :) and i was kind of disappointed with that ending myself, although if i had decided the beast should die a fiery death then i have to worry about buring my kid too at the same time. not such a good idea.

maisie- i LOVE that idea! i'm so going to do that. i can't wait to try it!!

owo- i should totally put that mess on monster and see what happens. i'll tell him it was all your idea :)

j- i hope you're not talking about beating up my kid

erin- i'm not looking forward to the days when the fuss has her own opinions about things.

k- oh man, she was like seriously under some kind of mind control. so freaky. yet she returned the ugly ass pink tights with lace flowers on them no problem.

bs & bc- right?!? it amazes me that some assclown somewhere is getting paid to design this crap.

badass- we need a plan of retaliation. i say kidnapping her and leaving her for three days and nights tied to a chair with barney playing in an endless loop.

lola- thanks! this was no ordinary dress and it deserved special mention :)

'Cuz I Felt Like It! said...

Stripey tights and galoshes can make any hideous dress cute!