Thursday, October 8, 2009

quickie

when i was in college i thought it would be so hilarious to get a license plate for my car that said 'only me'. while i realized exactly how lame that was a minute later, i still maintain that certain situations have a way of happening to me more so than any other person i know.

for example, this morning i went to interview a woman for a spot in her day care for little miss.

i met your average, ordinary woman, who was hoping to get me to pay her real american dollars in exchange for caring for my kid. i'll spare you the details about the other kids with dried boogers on their faces and gazes fixed on the cartoons blaring from an obnoxiously large flat screen tv.

no, the true 'only me' moment was about five minutes into the interview when crazy day care lady went off on a tangent. she asks 'so, you know that virus you get when you give your husband a blowjob and then you have sex and you get it in your uterus?'

to say that i'm not so versed in blowjob viruses is a bit of an understatement.

my cousin noah thinks that she's confused and that the virus actually comes from being ass-fucked and then giving her husband a blowjob and getting a stomach bug from swallowing her own shit.

i can't top that. thank you noah!

25 comments:

Vic said...

Is she giving blowjobs at the day care center? Because I'm pretty sure that's a license violation, unless she's watching a lot of adult men.

Not that a lot of them don't NEED daycare. Hmmm.

Christina said...

Yes Lana, its true, 'Only you' sweetie!

mmmwwaahhh!

Rebecca Welch said...

oh my...just...
i can't
hahaha

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

NOBODY can top that! You just can't make this shit up.

mo.stoneskin said...

So you hired her. Right?

Jules said...

Is this a typical question during a daycare interview? I'm just asking. I don't have kids and all....

Proud Maisie said...

It moments like these that I live for...

The Peach Tart said...

what?

Organic Meatbag said...

Maybe she's thinking of whooping cough??

otherworldlyone said...

That's disturbing.

And funny.

You should call the newspaper. Have them do a story on her herpes.

Lana said...

vic- unfortunately, i think she was the only adult present. and they'd have to be some blind men with no sense of smell to want a blowjob from this wacko.

chris- i cannot deny my fate. i'm meant to share my stories with the world :)

rebecca- hi! and i thought the same thing, which is why i stuck around for a half hour because it just kept getting better.

cal- stranger than fiction says a mouthful :)

mo- no, but i gave her your number because i know you're looking for a blowjob giving day care lady.

jules- yeah, more or less. i mean, it always helps to have someone with a broad spectrum of lifestyle choices to influence your kid...

maisie- yay! i'm such a voyer that i had to see what else she was going to say instead of turning and running out of there.

peach- oh yes she did. really. just like that.

meaty- who the fuck knows, ha! oversharing doesn't even scratch the surface here.

owo- now that's funny! although b thinks i need to call OCFS on her ass.

Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

UGH! So foul! What would possess her to ask you that???!!!

Kristine said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Badass Geek said...

Has she not heard of the Internet?

'Cuz I Felt Like It! said...

You totally hired her didn't you?

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

A friend of mine's first wife worked at a clinic where they had to deal with a lot of vagoo problems.

Turns out, they'd have all sorts of infections in the vagoo because they'd be doing unprotected anal, and then without making the guy wash, he'd go from her ass to her vagoo, spread shit into an orifice not meant to handle shit. A lot of times it would travel up the urethra and infect their bladders and stuff.

So, yeah, Noah's right. Ass-to-any other orifice equals bad shit happening, kids.

Laura said...

Hilarious! I can't even believe this one! What is wrong with people!

j-face said...

ok, I want to know what Kristine said.

Courtney said...

what

Courtney said...

the

Courtney said...

FUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mylittlebecky said...

blowjay viruses will get you every time. every. time.

Philtron3030 said...

Totally ass 2 vijay-jay...she's an idiot.

I have to admit, not something you hear everyday:D

Lana said...

bs & bc- i couldn't even tell you how it got there. one min talking about what she makes the kids for lunch and the next thing i know, she's telling me about how she got this virus while she was pregnant :(

badass- i found her on the NYS OCFS site, so that doesn't speak much for it being helpful at the moment.

cuz- yeah, you want to borrow her? i bet she'd like it down south :)

mjenks- sounds like a solid hypothesis, although you never know what could have been lurking in her mouth to begin with.

laura- so sick. i wish someone was filming it so you could have seen my face.

j- she said that's what you're supposed to say on interviews, right?

courtney- i should have seen it coming when she told me personal details about the parents of the other kids like it was no big thing. clearly there's an issue with boundaries here.

becky- seriously, do people really get this?! gross.

phil- an idiot with a gross virus who was trying to get paid to watch my kid! i'm the shit magnet i guess, it just has a way of finding me.

Lora said...

oh

my

virus

srsly. OMV