Monday, October 5, 2009

driving miss potty mouth

the following conversation took place in my car last saturday night, from approximately 11:21 to 11:36 pm.

me: go fuck yourself.
google maps: nice lana. and how exactly do you propose that i set about fucking myself? i am but a mere computer program, unable to think for myself, let alone determine the most appropriate way to carry out said self-fucking.
me: better yet, how about a giant fist-fuck up the ass, from an elephant?
gm: now i think you're just being bitter.
me: bitter? call it that if you want, but i still think that you need to get shoved in a plastic bag full of your own shit and be forced to eat your own shit as you suffocate on the smell of your own shit.
gm: i don't make shit.
me: yes you do! it was your shit-filled nonsense that got me in trouble today. you're only still alive because i had the foresight to leave myself extra time before my shift started.
gm: hey, it's your responsibility to get to your job site, not mine.
me: not yours?! your name is google maps! you exist solely so that you can make sure i get to my desired location. it would appear that this whole business of making up imaginary roads and giving them real sounding names isn't working out so well.
gm: that road wasn't imaginary.
me: and the next time that i have to drive around in the woods of greenwich, i think i'd prefer not to get out of my car and flag down the one passing motorist for miles around, in a torrential downpour, by waving my arms like a desperate lunatic.
me: and fuckyouverymuch that 'road' was a driveway, asshole.
gm: i never told you to get out of your car. that was all you, lana.
me: well it's not exactly like there's a corner store in between all the enormous manor houses where i could stop and ask a local to point me in the way of a non-imaginary road. even the trees here seemed to conspire to keep me from infiltrating the hidden lair that is conyers farm polo club.
gm: that's great!
me: huh?
gm: well, if the trees had a hand in things then it's not entirely my fault!
me: go fuck yourself, again.
gm: hey, how about getting yourself one of those car things that tells you where to go?
me: are you talking about a gps? see, you're so full of shit that you even suggest your competition can do your job better than you. listen up, fuckface, i'm only going to say this once, i work in foodservice. it's not a glamorous job by any means, and it certainly doesn't pay enough for me to afford luxuries like a gps when your dumb ass is supposed to work, for free.
gm: i bet everyone here in greenwich has a gps.
me: i bet they do, cuntwad. this place drips money. the smell of old, old wealth hangs in the air thicker than your shit-stink. the wide, whitewashed gates guarding every driveway part only for jaguars and bentleys. my lumbering, five year old 4-runner got more than a few dirty looks from the elitist lion heads on each stone pillar we passed.
gm: i don't know what else to say, lana. you seem intent upon blaming me for your troubles instead of just moving past this little hiccup.
me: then don't say anything at all. let's drive all the way home in silence. you can use the time to think about your colossal fuck-up and how you're going to make it up to me.
gm: fine.
me: fine.

me: oooh, saturday night eighties on the radio! as an additional torture for you i'm going to sing as loud as i possibly can. karmakarmakarmakarma-chamee-li-on, red gold and gree-eeen, mmmhhhmmmuuumm!!

that's right google, karma's a bitch. watch your back.


Organic Meatbag said...

Lana, you are fucking awesome...end of story...hahahahaha!

mo.stoneskin said...

"a giant fist-fuck up the ass, from an elephant"

Bloody Hell, didn't your teahers tell you about this kind of language...

mo.stoneskin said...

Yeah, 'teahers' makes sense. What I meant of course was 'teachers'. But it is possible that you're 'teahers' also had something to say...

Daffy said...

What a great way to start my Monday. I think Garmin should use this spot as their add. Why we SHOULDN'T use Google Maps

Logical Libby said...

I love it when I mess up and the GPS says "redirecting." It just sounds so pissed.

Lana said...

meaty- thank you, and please stay tuned for my next random outburst!

mo- my teachers also taugh me about relativity. as in, the severity of the potty mouth is directly proportionate to the level of frustration being experienced :)

daffy- i like the way you think!! can i get an endorsement deal with a signing bonus or something?

ll- you should mess up regularly, just to keep that bastard in check.

otherworldlyone said...

I like the way you verbally bitch smack things that aren't people.

Left you an award.

Anonymous said...

My stomach hurts from laughing so hard at this. Thank you.

j-face said...

"and fuckyouverymuch"...

i can't wait til next week.

'Cuz I Felt Like It! said...

I had a similar conversation with my gps not so long ago...except I was in the hood.....there was no gettin' outta my car to flag someone down....

Anonymous said...

I think I've had that conversation with Google Maps before!!!! LOVE it!

Lana said...

owo- people tend to fight back, i'm really just a shit-talking pussy. and thanks for the award!!

courtney- yay! that made my day :)

j- if all i have to do is unleash massive quantities of fuckbombs on your shit to make you happy, consider yourself exstatic.

cuz- ohhh, that sucks! i'm glad you made it out and with no wounds from stray bullets.

jules- thanks! i say me and you have a party and beat the shit out of google maps with baseball bats and then get wasted and tell all the other online maps that we're coming to get them next as soon as we get directions to their houses.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

OH Yeh baby...that is some sweet cursing. I am totally turned on right now. Why does that disturb me so much? LOL.

Lola Lakely said...

This is a riot. I had a GPS and her name was Brittany and she was a bitch. Condescending ho. Now my GPS is Aoenghus. Oh delightful Irish makes me happy when he tells me to get on the motorway instead of the highway.

Lana said...

cal- i can't say but it just comes naturally to me. i'm most comfortable cursing up a storm.

lola- aww, that sounds so cute! i need to get one of those, he'd be my bestest friend.