Monday, September 28, 2009

a day in the life of...

i'm back! and thus ending my self-imposed bloggy hiatus. i thought about giving a recap of my fantastic family birthday week, but then i was bored with that idea about five seconds later. instead, i think i'll share a story with you today that seems to parallel my life in many ways.

it was saturday morning, september 19th. i woke up a thirty year old woman, wife, and mother, yet i felt no different than i had the day before, or the day before that.

by 8:30 the sunshine was bright and warm, yet kind enough to leave a crispness in the air that, to me, defines a typical autumn day. b was officially on toddler time while monster and i were free to enjoy the perfect weather.

that's right, my birthday present to myself was a day in the woods with my dog while my husband stayed home with the kid.

i'll skip the details about monster's severe car anxiety and tendency to puke in my lap or near my lap, and instead i'll just say that we headed north toward a trail dubiously called silver mine. there may or may not be an actual mine in the area, but there definitely is an old lean-to that's creepy enough to pass for the blair witch's vacation home.

leading off from the parking area is a huge open field, often hosting a few canadian geese lucky enough to have found the well-hidden spot. on one side of the field is a small lake. the trail starts towards the back end of the lake and hugs its side for a short distance before delving deep into thick towers of oaks and maples.

monster and i began to navigate the path of basketball-sized boulders, most likely laid down to hold the loose soil around the base of the lake. we proceeded to follow the small yellow rectangle markers painted every so often on a tree at eye level. i don't know much about photography, or lenses, or lighting, but i took a few pictures with my trusty canon in hopes of capturing some of the beauty to take home with me.

as far back into my memory as my mind's eye can see, i have always been drawn to forests. i imagine the trees standing as tall guardians to whatever mystery lies within their fortress of bark and leaves. the temptation to crawl, push, or otherwise break through their defenses is still so irresistible to me. i can't drive on a wooded road without my gaze being drawn like a magnet to the side, wondering what exists there that i'm not seeing.

that morning in silver mine, i was lost, captivated by such sounds as a sole acorn dropping and leaves rustling high above my head. the view of the lake to my left and an ever increasing rise to my right were made of more riveting material than i had seen in a long time.

i wandered off the trail in my distracted state. i couldn't have gone far, i had just passed a marker. as i paused and looked around, monster suddenly dashed about twenty feet to the side and froze. i went to him and sure enough, directly above where he stood was the next trail marker. sometimes he drives me crazy, but in that moment, watching my dog so proud of himself for leading me back to the trail, all the puke piles and ripped furniture were forgotten.

we continued for a while until we reached the part that i knew led to the creep-shack. i turned to head back to the car. b and i had big plans that night and i wanted to make it out of silver mine for my date.

as we emerged from the mouth of the trail, i turned and took one last picture of the path.

the field lay open before us and monster seemed to have an itch he needed some help with.

i laughed watching him roll carefree through the grass. after a few minutes i called him over to put his leash on as i saw a man with his dog approaching. i reached out to grab his collar and was surprised to feel some foreign matter stuck in between the metal rings.

i saw it before i smelled it. monster's neck and collar were covered in shit. i can't tell you if it was from another dog, a small horse, or the blair witch herself, but it sure didn't come from monster.

looking down at my feces covered finger, my ethereal mood vaporized as if it had never been. i cursed my dog's disgusting bad luck to roll around in a giant field and find the only shit spot. i fumed about my lack of proper cleaning materials. but mostly, i marveled at the irony that for the entire twenty-five minute drive back home, it was i who was choking back vomit as my car-sick monster tried repeatedly to climb in my lap with his shit covered neck.


mo.stoneskin said...

Gorgeous photos and reminds me of why I (we) want a dog. But he pukes IN YOUR LAP?

Kristine said...

At least you didn't have to carry him home?
Poor skank dog.

Lora said...

welcome home! sorry for the puking and the poop you had to deal with. that's just gross

Skitch said...

Think of it this way...

Monster got you something for your birthday that you wouldn't have gotten for yourself.


Daffy said...

Beautiful photos. I wish I could pop myself right into them! Thank you for sharing.

Anonymous said...

If you JUST look at the pictures, the story looks all lovey and cute and you'd have no idea that there is sh*t smear in it.... Just sayin'.

Lana said...

mo- he might be the only dog in the world who would rather curl up in your lap and puke than stick his head out the window while in a moving vehicle. so. gross.

k- fuck him, i drove home with mystery animal shit in my face!

lora- nothing new for me. i've always said monster was my 'special needs' child.

skitch- eeww. some present. that's his mo though, make me think he's all cute and normal, and then shit-neck dry-heaving in my face. yum.

daffy- thanks! they're not nearly as good as the real thing, but good enough for my meager attempts.

jules- welcome to my life ;)

Badass Geek said...

There are many offensive smells in this world, and dog shit ranks pretty high up on the list.

'Cuz I Felt Like It! said...

Such an awesome relaxin' day then....shit! That sucks!

Lola Lakely said...

For some reason this line just cracked me up "my fantastic family birthday week, but then i was bored with that idea about five seconds late" . It sounds like something I would do. It sounds like a lovely birthday present, too bad puke and poo came into it. I'm a new reader- what kind of dog is Monster?

Lana said...

badass- i would have been ok with the smell, but touching, and having it shoved in my face while driving? that's a line i never need to cross again.

cuz- right?! amazing how shit can just flip your mood in an instant.

lola- we adopted monster from a shelter when he was about 3 months old, so we don't know for sure. some possibilities the vet thought are shepherd, pitt bull, greyhound, and labrador. he's a 50lb ball of energy that sometimes thinks he's a kitten :)

otherworldlyone said...

Welcome back!

Dog shit. GREAT birthday present.

mylittlebecky said...

yeah, he just "happened" to pick that spot... all of mine love to roll in shit. every. single. one of 'em. bastards!

very pretty walkie, i'm jealous. i wish i lived somewhere with trees!

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

My dogs like to roll in dead birds and worms and poop so they can bring it home to the other dogs for show and tell. I'm pretty sure that was no accident, ma'am.

Mr. Condescending said...

I have a feeling that monster is not going to be able to protect us in those satan tunnels, Lana!

Lana said...

owo- hey thanks! and yes, it would have been nice if he could at least had it giftwrapped though.

becky- i know, he was probably so proud of himself for his shit-roll. and come over and go hiking with us anytime! bring the doggies too :)

steamy- awww, maybe my monster needs more doggie friends who he can show off to, because i'm clearly not so impressed.

mr. c- no one likes the smell of shit, but i still think he can tackle some ghosts if the need should arise. when are we going?!