Monday, September 21, 2009

i hope you're hungry, it's meaty time

hey kiddies! welcome to the first installment of the mother hides the pearls guest blogger experience. i'm thrilled to have a fellow who probably needs very little pimping from me seeing as he's so hilarious people tend to flock to his blog in astounding numbers. his words seem to come from that genuine funny place deep within and crack me up daily. i still have a good laugh at chin mistress once in a while when it will pop into my head for no apparent reason.

and now, here's meaty from "why?", "how?" and other abstract questions!!

Greetings all!

How in the hell are ya's? Those of you that have read my blogs before will know that Subway restaurants have been the subject of many of my ramblings, everything from the questionable "sandwich artists" to the baffling androgyny of their marshmallowy spokesperson Jared. Well, here's another one for the books: I go to the Subway by my house last Sunday to pick up sandwiches for my Wife and I. Big mistake, as I knew they usually had nothing but snotty and trashy teen-age girls working there who were merely using their Subway experience as a stepping stone to bigger and better careers…like…oh, Denny's or Frisch's Big Boy???

So anyway, I go in there and was followed in by two more guys, and we were treated to listening to one girl working the counter loudly complaining and yelling at her co-worker, whom was sitting off to the side making personal phone calls. My favorite comment she made was "I ain't doing shit the rest of the night!!! I ain't doing SHIT! You hurrrrr (hear)???" Mind you she was making this comment in front of me and about 4 other customers by this point. Incidentally, this same girl literally stormed out after she was done making the sandwich for the guy behind me, leaving her phone-crazy co-worker puzzled. "Whurrr you going??? Hey! Whurrr you going??" Hopefully they will both take important life lessons away from this job with them, mainly, uhhhh… pimps are always looking for new hos.

OK, now that wasn't even the main complaint, as crazy as that was! My main complaint is that by the register, they had a tip jar and an index card taped to the register that was hand-written and read "Please tip your waiter or waitresses". ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME????!!!!! Now granted, it could be something that these two girls wrote and stuck on there without their manager's knowledge to see if it would really work, but the sad thing is, I don't think it was a joke. I think that this was legit!

First of all, it's not like they are some little Mom & Pop sandwich shop that is struggling to keep their heads above water in the face of direct competition from a massive Mega-Corporate Conglomerate like oh…say… Subway???! Second of all, they aren't waitresses or waiters. They cut up fucking sandwiches with all of the gusto of a diseased, three legged sloth and you usually wouldn't be able to force them to crack a smile even if you had a gun to their heads.

To borrow from Steve Buscemi's Mr. Pink character in Reservoir Dogs, you don't tip the people at the counter at McDonalds, so why would I tip them? Should I have tipped them for their wonderful professionalism or for even making me a decent sandwich (they couldn't even get that right)? I should have TAKEN money from the jar…yeah, that's right, there was actually some money in the jar! Some schmucks actually fell for it! Not me. I should have taken a massive horse piss in that jar…just fill it to the rim.

That's the frothy message that I should have sent to Subway and their cherubic, pasty, bloated he-she spokesperson Jared. Jared should spend a little less time playing with the balls of famous male athletes in their commercials, and more time trying to convince us that he is actually biologically a human male. I bet that he has butt plugs sewn directly into the seat of his massive canvas fat-man pants so that he gets a little surprise every time he sits down. Hey Jared, why don't you try easing up a bit on the mascara and lip-liner, you mysterious and frightening parasite!

I mean, am I wrong here?????

Whew… so…what's for lunch?


the iNDefatigable mjenks said... why I rock Quizno's.

Except, the last time I was in there, I wanted a bowl of soup, and they didn't have any soup. Apparently, at least at the Quizno's by my house, they don't the soup on the weekends. Chodes.

I stormed out in a fit of rage. I heard the guy behind the counter say, a bit pathetically, actually, "But...we could make you a sandwich..."

Stacie's Madness said...

Orgie always make me laugh...

erin said...

Great kick off for Lana's Guest post extravaganza.
Good ole' Meaty brought it on home!

mylittlebecky said...

check my math here: meaty+guest post=not a fan of subway. amiright?

Organic Meatbag said...

mjenks - Ha! Imagine that, the Quiznos guy offering to make a sandwich for somebody... you know, Subway are a bunch of turds, but every Quiznos I have ever been to is just as bad...or is it just me?!

Stacie - And do I also make you cry? Even fart?

erin - Thank you!! I just wanted to justify Lana's choice...hahaha!

mylittlebecky - I believe your calculations are correct, yes...hehehee

mo.stoneskin said...

What a great idea. I'm off to Subway right now to steal from the tip jar. But at least she could understand your order (I assume), the staff at my local Subways barely speak English, so for the time lost repeatedly repeating myself I should definitely take from the jar.

Kurt said...

I had a whole ham and a tube of frosting for lunch. Jared can suck my ass.

j-face said...

well my name is jerrod... and it's be a fun 10 years, i promise you. please end him.

Mr. Condescending said...

how happy would you be to be locked in a room with jerod, CSI guy, and rachael ray?

Badass Geek said...

Oh, "Reservoir Dogs"... I must watch that movie today.

And yes, the tipping thing. They get paid an hourly wage that isn't based upon them getting tips. Why should get they get them anyways?

otherworldlyone said...

I humped his cardboard cutout once.

Surge said...

No, you should've tipped them for their legit accents, ya hurrr?