Tuesday, August 4, 2009

there's always a silver lining

despite the fact that i love to throw curse words around like an old sailor (is that really true that sailors curse a lot?), i am an enormous prude when it comes to talking about poo, pee, puke, or any other bodily function/excrement.

this is extremely fortunate for you readers out there in blogland who will be spared the gory details of my battle with food poisoning over the past four days. although, there were definite moments of profound revelation that i experienced in my most harrowing times that i felt worthy of sharing.

the first is by far the most important of the lessons i learned this long weekend; simply that food poisoning is going to be a much more effective diet for me than my previous standby of coffee and air.

this dawned on me sometime in the middle of the night sunday, as i got up out of bed and groaned my way to the bathroom, passing by my open closet door. there, subtly tucked away yet exposed enough to be illuminated by the fluorescent green glow of the alarm clock, was my collection of skinny jeans.

at least a half dozen pairs of those perfectly fitted jeans that go with every motherfucking thing you could ever imagine yourself wearing, somehow managed to migrate to a visible corner of my closet to speak to me.

'psst!! hey, lana! we're still heeeeeerrrrrrreeeeee!!' (that last part was actually sing-songy like the little girl in poltergeist, sneaky ass jeans)

but alas, at the time i was in too much of a hurry to reach my bathroom successfully to stop and make sexy eyes at my skinny jeans. and besides, i know them all so well by now. each pair perfect in fade, wash, length, hem. everything, perfect. except that they haven't fit so well since i grew a baby.

i'm not bitter about it though, changes in your body are a natural side effect of incubating and then birthing a child. i'm ok with that, i don't hold it against you skinny jeans.

that doesn't mean i didn't go back to sleep and dream about wearing each and every pair of those damn jeans and rolling around in a field of daisies like i was in a mariah carey video about being in love except that i was in love with my jeans and not a man.

waking up in the morning, i realized that all the intense pain i was experiencing was really for a great fucking cause. in fact, it even made me question the whole commitment to serving safe bacteria-free food to customers when i'm at work. i'd be doing some of them a huge favor, and if they knew i was behind it all, they might even come and give me a high five.

but that last part came from being dehydrated, so i'll just stick with accidental bacterial intake as being a great diet.

my second revelation that came to me was that hospital nurses sometimes, once in a while, suck at their jobs. while three different nurses had to attempt five times to find a vein to use for an iv, i thought it was a little unusual that they were having such a hard time. then today i looked down at my arms and was aghast to see that in both of my elbow creases i had obscene bruises and puncture holes that immediately made me feel like i had the beginnings of jared leto's arm in requiem for a dream.

(i thought about posting a pic, but it's way to gross for me to even deal with so i'm just going to link to the pic. feel free to look if you have a stomach made of steel, or don't if you're a pansy like me.)

i know being a nurse is a really hard job, and i'm certainly not trying to offend anyone who is, or is thinking about becoming, or ever was a nurse. but come on with this bullshit, i look like a damn junkie! lucky for them i don't have shit to do all week and a kid who can't tell if mommy's using or just has a boo-boo.

and so, in summation, i fully believe that as the fall season approaches, i will soon find myself wearing my skinny jeans and a nice, long-sleeved sweater to hide the iv wounds. thanks food poisoning, you're my bitch!!


Anonymous said...

Ugh, you poor thing. Food poisoning is the WORST thing ever.

I understand about the bruising thing too - I bruise if I'm even in the same ROOM as a needle. When I gave blood I always ended up looking like someone punched me in the arms with a dumbbell. :)

Hope you feel better!

Sally-Sal said...

The food poisoning sucks, but you are one sexy beyotch, skinny jeans or not.

Jerrod said...

I agree with Sally. You two should start a club.

miss. chief said...

oh no! not the jared leto arm!! that haunted me for weeks after i saw the movie. i am NOT clicking on that link

erin said...

A horrible stomach flu is sometimes the only way to lose that baby weight.

Or a tape worm.

Who am I kidding? I have had plenty of debilitating stomach flus since my oldest child was born and even though I did end up losing some of the baby weight, my 'skinny jeans' are size 6...so they're never touching my ass again.

Anonymous said...

I have so many sizes of jeans...... I dream of them too. But food poisoning DOES suck!

Badass Geek said...

I had nine vials of blood drawn once, and the lab tech that drew the blood went clear through the vein. I had a bruise that pretty much wrapped around my forearm. It was not fun.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I had this same thought a couple of years ago. I lost an insane amount of weight when I was laid up sick in bed after I got some sort of stomach flu.

I also lost weight once when I had a terrible case of strep. I couldn't swallow, so I couldn't eat as much.

In my mind, the perfect diet combines strep throat with dysentary/food poisoning/the scoots.

Organic Meatbag said...

Ooooh, food poisoning...I had it last year, although not nearly as bad as you...poor girl...but fear not, you will soon be putting the derriere extraordinaire on display again!
Kick ass, Lana!

Lana said...

veg- it blows :( and thank you!

sally- you are my new skinny jeans!!

jerrod- i'm not really into the whole club scene, i'm more of a dirthole bar type.

miss- yes!!! someone else who was haunted! that is one movie you really only need to see once in your life and never again!

erin- a tapeworm is way too hard core for me. but the invisible virus/bacteria, i can work with.

jules- i'm glad i'm not the only one! i keep them because maybe, someday....

badass- AAAHHHH!!! i cringed when i read that.

mjenks- so true, strep worked for me in college, but i haven't gotten it since. (and i don't even want to know what 'the scoots' is)

meaty- thanks for the positive words! i'm going to beat the shit out of that bacteria when i get my hands on it.

mylittlebecky said...

dood! i totally had food poisoning as well (we should form a support group)! and it is like the best diet ever. second best? being worried about something. like all consuming worry. (i should write a book)

finally, to find a vein on a dehydrated mammal is vurrah hard. i mean, i can do it, but it takes skillz. next time, call me and i'll do it before you go in. (just one of the many services i offer).