Thursday, July 30, 2009

that thin line between ignorance and enlightenment is the most treacherous place of all

b and i might be the most technologically challenged people you'll ever know. our computer is practically an ancient relic, which is probably why it's so riddled with demons.

of course we need to upgrade to wireless, but there's a few things holding us back. there's the whole issue of needing to force our evil computer to do as much work as possible in it's golden years. no early retirement for you, you bastard (talking to my computer, not you dear reader). b and i are determined to feel like we've won even a small token battle in the war mr. hp-suck-my-ass-desktop has waged with us. and if that means robbing an old withering soul of living its final days in a sublime and peaceful existence, so be it.

another factor preventing us from living in laptop bliss is the fact that we don't know shit about shit when it comes to any type of electronic appliance or device. last night b asked me what a router was. i had heard this word before. and only because i'm good at making up stuff when i don't know the answers, i told him it was a thing you need for the internet. when he asked me how the internet gets in there if there's no wires attached i knew i would be exposed for the fraud that i am.

but b saw the shame in my face and being the sweet and kind husband that he is, he cheered me up with 'hey, don't worry about it. all those people that know all that shit about technology can go have sex with technology and make little robot-people hybrid babies. then we can unplug all the wires and be left alone and the world will be all ours and we won't even care about the internet.'

i love him so much.

i didn't want to spoil the moment by asking 'what if they're all wireless hybrid babies?'

much of this technology talk was spawned by a new addition in our household. yesterday we welcomed a bouncing new baby dishwasher. and yes it really bounces and technically might be a baby version of a real dishwasher because our cheap-ass apartment complex would never spring for anything of real value. the single solitary knob on its blank front is the only means of operating the machine.

while it does look like a sorry excuse for a home appliance, it is easy enough so that i can figure out how to turn it on. i was shocked, however, when b stated that he doesn't want to get confused and break it, so he doesn't want me to teach him how to use it. any other wife might suspect that their husband was trying to avoid dish duty, but no friends, not me. i could see it in his eyes, the feeling that this was just one more thing for him to have to figure out and get angry with for making him feel like a dumbass when he can't make it work.

don't worry b, i won't let that dishwasher get the better of you. shhhhhh honey, it's ok. thaaaaat's it, deeeeeep breaths. relax. i'm here, and i'll make sure there's no wires or batteries or any other electrical source around for ever and ever, as long as we both shall live.


Mr. Condescending said...

Hey lana does your computer still have a floppy drive!?

miss. chief said...


Miss Yvonne said...

I'm pretty sure a router is the guy that tells you where your seats are at football stadiums.

The sad thing is, I'm married to a tech guy. And I still don't know.

Badass Geek said...

Oh, the things I could teach you. SO many things.

Organic Meatbag said...

Just the word "router" makes me cringe...I program them and support them for idiots every day... and don't you dare call yourself an idiot! You are awesome and you make us all laugh!
As I type this, somebody here is loudly playing "Freeze Frame" by the J. Geils Band on the radio, and I feel my urge to strangle them rising...

Lana said...

mr. c- it might. there's lots of holes and slots that i can't even begin to explain.

miss- ah, a well-placed 'that's what she said' has a way of warming the heart.

miss yvonne- makes total sense to me. and let the cap'n worry about all that mess for you, you're so lucky!

badass- i may have lost my ability to retain information. (or i might be saying that just so you would think that once upon a time i actually posessed the ability to retain information).

meaty- thanks :) and would singing it jim morrison style make you feel any better??

erin said...

Ha! I love him too, B sounds very nice.

Jeremiah can do everything. He'll have some task finished (perfectly) and all cleaned up before I would brew the coffee I'd have to have before sitting down to even begin figuring something out.

That is why I hate him...I mean love him. whoops. ;)

Organic Meatbag said...

I don't know, L...can Jim Morrison really save that song?? Hmmm, tall order...but he is the Lizard King...he can do anything...hahaha!

Skitch said...

I can understand B's attitude toward technology. It's made society much more rude and helping to distance us from one another in some ways while connecting to a broader array of people.

I like the idea of unplugging it all and walking away...kind of like a technological I Am Legend. ;)

Girl Interrupted said...

So ...

Love is ... Never having to use technology


I need to make a note of that!

Lana said...

erin- i will never understand how some people just 'get' that stuff

meaty- don't let me catch you questioning the king again!! :)

skitch- yes! that's exactly what we were talking about. but that could also be because we've always been on the outside of that circle and never felt the warmth of acceptance within.

gi- i hope it works as well for you as it has for me :)