Wednesday, August 19, 2009

i'm even furiouser and more furiouser, updated

i'll put a brief disclaimer here that this post will contain a raw display of my anger at a shitty real-life, personal situation that i usually avoid talking about on this blog like the plague.

but sometimes it just needs to come out.

so, ok, here it is. (deeeeeeeeep breath) i pretty much don't like my dad. except that he's almost dying and i'm the closest (geographically) family member that can take care of all his shit.

it's a burden that i've been struggling with on and off for a while, but in the last month things have gotten bad. and by bad i mean, imagine the worst possible scenario and then add attorney's fees and cockroaches. yes, literally.

when i spend eight to ten hours a day, a full tank of gas, and exhaust every babysitter i know, driving my ass all over the hudson valley to sort through my father's lifetime of fuck-ups, and he doesn't once acknowledge my efforts, it makes me want to beat him with his prosthetic leg.

not that i'm looking for a thank you, but more that he's acting as if he expected me to come along sooner or later and just clean up his mess for him.

i don't even like the guy. we have no relationship to speak of other than the basic, biological connection. yet to let him rot away in his filthy apartment is not only cruel, but also a decision made based on emotion.

my brother is the lucky one. he escaped while he could, now living family-free on the beaches of south carolina. if only i could have run away too.

but i only avoid, i don't run permanently. i don't think i'd ever have it in me to up and leave my life and ask my husband and child to do the same. and that makes me so fucking pissed.

my dad spent his life being an asshole and isolating himself from society and now i have to listen to him complain about all of the doctors and nurses 'getting in his business' i.e., trying to help him live.

after my meeting this morning, i hope i will be at least one step closer to wiping my hands clean of this foul process. but at the same time, i'm afraid to hope for anything. my father is the black hole of negativity, and the more i wish for good things, or even a little piece of mind, the worse it gets. infinitely compounding until the pressure is enough to crush me to dust.

wish me luck today!

-------------------

alright, so maybe i can be a little overdramatic. but that's just it, i have to deal. the routine will always be the same: get all worked up and tense about something and then afterwards realize exactly how much i was over reacting.

and really, even if my dad is a jerk, it doesn't mean i wish him ill will.

sometimes when i want to call b at work and ask him for the love of god to make the baby stop crying, i have to remind myself that i'm a big girl now and i can handle a little unpleasant household issue. i think the same rationale can be applied to this dad situation.

just because it's not fun or easy or exciting or in any way pleasant, that doesn't mean that i have the right to stomp my feet and bitch about dealing with it. that's not going to accomplish anything anyway.

what i am going to do is get on with the rest of my daily life and not let all this mess drag me down. little miss and i are going to the park and then to the gym for a nice long run. i shall return in a better mood, that i am sure of.

(i would really like to unpublish this post, but since so many of you out there have already read it and were kind enough to leave such supportive words i'll leave it. thanks everyone for your kind thoughts!!)

11 comments:

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I wish you a ton of luck. What a demoralizing situation to be in. Just because someone's a blood relative doesn't mean they're the focal point of your existence. It's that old thing about not being able to choose your family. It's to your credit you are helping out when really, you have no good reason to. Because you're not your father, you're better than that.

The thing about unconditional love is baloney - you earn it. Don't feel bad.

Organic Meatbag said...

Wow, that is a really shitty situation...I really applaud you on your sense of family connection, though, even though he apparently was not the ideal father or human being to help out in a time like this...it's a real catch 22... I wish you all the best with it...

Lora said...

This is my worst nightmare. I am so afraid that this is going to happen to me someday and I will feel so guilty for all the animosity between my father and I that I will be suckered into taking care of him.

I have stayed awake nights thinking about things like this, and the way I am seeing it for myself is that he did take care of me when I was a baby, so I at least owe him the years that he gave me.

I guess.

I don't know.

It fucking sucks

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Good luck, Lana. You're a saint for doing the right thing, no matter how annoyed you feel and how angry it makes you cleaning up someone else's fuck ups.

Fortunately, for me, my brother is still tied to my mother's apron strings, so I won't have to go through this same scenario at some point in the future.

Fuck. I just remembered I'm supposed to invite them down here for a holiday this winter. Where's the bourbon?

Again, good luck.

Courtney said...

You are totally being a better person than I think I could ever be... give me your address, I'll send you some booze - sounds like you need it.

Badass Geek said...

Ugh. Good luck.

Mr. Condescending said...

Lana I don't even know my dad, and regardless of who he is, he's an asshole. Just because your dad is your dad doesn't mean you owe him anything if he's been an ass.

Nice of you to at least help him though.

JennyMac said...

Wow...this is a really tough situation. Sending positive thoughts your way for a peaceful resolution.

And a cocktail, because honey, it sounds like you need one.

Vic said...

You're allowed to vent. I had this same Dad (we aren't long-lost sisters are we?) except I'm the sister that got away.

It was either that or drown, figuratively speaking.

On the bright side, when my Dad finally passed away, sitting in his filthy apartment, he did leave me an inheritance.

It was a giant box of raisins.

Hang in there! (WV is "gospirit". Even your blog is on your side.)

Sally-Sal said...

You just go ahead and beat him with that fake leg.
He paid his money, now he can take his ride.

Stacie's Madness said...

this sucks ass.
hang in there, do what makes YOU comfortable and know that YOU are doing a good thing...{hugs}