Tuesday, July 14, 2009

i have an endless supply of bullshit in my catalog

i usually despise lying. the whole moral objection part is one reason, but also because i'm a horrible liar. i get all sweaty and flushed in the face. this ridiculous nervous giggle erupts from me in spasms, like a bad twitch that i have no control over, accompanied by the cheesedick grin that only looks more awkward as i try to straighten my uncooperative lips out.

once in a while, under extreme circumstances, i can pull off a lie. but usually only if it's for a really good reason, like for example, a dumbass practical joke.

now, i'm by no means what you'd call a prankster. i generally think that stuff is pretty annoying. the whole 'salt in your coffee' thing needs to stop, it's not funny people!

that was for my co-workers. i got it off my chest and now i feel better.

right, back to my point. i was about to tell you the story of my most successful prank/joke of all time. which, you might find slightly immature, but i was thoroughly impressed with myself about.

it was about 2002ish, and i was out of college but still young enough to go to college bars and not be the creepy old-er lady getting her drink on. i was living at my mom's house with her and her lame bf and three motherfuckingdisgusting cats. one was named ass. he had a leaky pooper.

one day my little eye spied a catalog lying amidst the mail for mom's bf. it was international male. i think they've change the name since then, but they sell things like this:

and this:

oh, and also this:

because you don't have the pleasure of reading the lovely captions for these pics i'll tell you that the middle one is called mansilk and the last one is called pistol pete.

as you can imagine, the first idea that came into my head was 'how can i share this comedy genius with other people?'

naturally, myself and my friend amanda, who looked incredibly mature and not at all like a skanky 22-year old, brought it out to the bar with us that night. you know the place, you've been there. two hundred people squished into an old house-come-bar, spilling out onto the patio. the floor permanently sticky from who knows how many years of spilled alcohol seeping into the hardwood, and every frat boy in town wearing his white hat with some logo on it to match his uniform of khaki cargo shorts and fitted t-shirt.

i folded the international male and stuck it in the back pocket of my calvins, waiting for someone to take the bait.

it wasn't long. a chipper fellow approached me with a twisted grin, 'so what's that in your back pocket?'

my first victim.

i casually informed him that i worked as an intern for the company. the less i talked the more intriguied he became. finally, i gave him what he was waiting for.

'well, to be honest, it's really stressful right now. the underwear model that we wanted to use just cancelled for another job and now we're stuck with this massive photo shoot for the new season and no model. my boss wanted me to find someone who would be willing to drop everything and go to the bahamas for four days on less than 24 hour's notice. she just doesn't get it, people have lives. they can't just up and leave to prance around in a thong for four days, even if it is all paid for.'

his eyes lit up like the griswold's house at christmas.

playing right into my game, he offered to be the model for me. he'd probably be able to talk to his teachers and get out of class for a few days...

i told him we'd (me and my colleague) have to talk about it for a minute.

(cut to half an hour later)

almost every guy in the bar is now standing in a line next to our table, some holding offerings of beer and shots of every variety. they are, in turn, pulling up their shirts to show us their abs, hoping that we might choose them to work as the international male underwear model.

we were professional, no touching or flirting. simply taking fake notes next to bad nicknames written on a bar napkin.

by the end of the night, we had had our fill of drinks and amusement. we left the bar, having stayed in charater the whole time.

i guess maybe it's only a real practical joke when you clue the victim in on the fact that it's a joke. but i'm not claiming to be the joke master over here, so we bailed and left a few dozen frat boys with false hopes of making it big in thong modeling.

or maybe the joke was on me after all. did the drunken boys really buy my load of crap? or were they just trying to talk to two chicks in a bar who weren't in their art history class?

who cares, i had fun. and it was also fun to reminisce about this story with kristine last night at her house. as she perused the website, i walked out of the room to talk to b. he was calling to make sure we weren't getting into any trouble, and i had to get away from the junk pics to be able to have a conversation. 'talk' might not be the best word. i probably should say snorted/laughed hysterically when i heard kristine scream 'ewwww, i see penis!!' from the other room.

nearly a decade later, and i still crack up at junk holders. and that, unfortunately, is not a lie.


Jules said...

I don't know. I think that's hysterical! Because you know those dumbasses are probably still telling people that they "almost" modeled for this magazine one time.

Even MORE disturbing though...are those items! OMG!

Jerrod said...

i sort of wished i knew you and kristine back in the day. but I'm with b, junk should always be covered. always.

Badass Geek said...

The joke? Hilarious.

Those pictures? Disturbing.

Lana said...

jules- haha! i never thought of that! but now you see why i was compelled to share that with the world.

jerrod- i agree, which is why a MESH junk holder is so comical. it's not doing much in the concealing department.

badass- thanks :) i still don't know how i made it that whole night without cracking.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I don't know what Kristine sounds like, but I can kind of hear her scream that in my head. And it's making me laugh.

Also, "eyes lit up like the Griswold's house" could be my new favorite simile.

Sally-Sal said...

I still can't quit laughing at 'leaky pooper'.

There was a lady at my last job who had that problem.
It was her problem, until she made it everyone's problem all over the floor of the ladies room.

Skitch said...


Truly inspired! Lol.

What a great story. Those guys probably needed a lesson too...but Jules is right (above)...they probably thought they had a brush with fame.

Lana said...

mjenks- yay for similies!!

sally- the ironic part is that he was named ass about 10 years before he developed the ass problem. sort of a sick twist on a self-fulfilling prophecy.

skitch- thanks :) but i'm really surprised that no one has thought to ask exactly why my mom's bf had this catalog in the first place!

The Peach Tart said...

Well these undies don't look like they give much support but maybe that's the point....however, if I was with a guy and he pulled off his jeans and was wearing one of these, I'd probably fall out laughing

Bridget said...

You had me laughing at "mansilk" and I didn't stop the whole blog post!

Philtron3030 said...

I applaud the boldness...the force is strong in you.

Also, in this third picture? Did God shine upon the white man and birth him with a black man's junk? Are those really see-through? I am confused...

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