Friday, July 10, 2009

not me, no way, no how, not ever

last night b and i went to a reception dinner to welcome the new regional managing co-operative district chief financial directing big boss. so what i made up that title, not like anyone ever really knows what those guys do anyway. the guy seems nice enough though, despite what i initially thought of him based purely on a picture.

the funny part was that the dinner was held at the estate where i work. so there we were, all dressed up in a room of 200 plus white collar, conservative, finance people, and i was busy bullshitting with the waitstaff. although i have to say that many of them didn't recognize me with my hair down and no chef whites on, so i had to have that awkward 'oh yeah it's me, i showered' conversation a few times.

but more importantly, i have to say that last night taught me a very, very valuable lesson. i learned exactly what type of old lady i do not want to become.

to be fair, this lesson actually started on tuesday morning when i was in traffic court. the sweet little old gal sitting next to me, someone's grandmother, seemed so helpless and scared about how to talk to the officer about her ticket. she kept leaning in to ask me what to do next, because i look like the kind of criminal who's seen the inside of a courtroom a few times yet is still reasonably approachable.

maybe she's psychic, but i was happy to answer her questions, hoping to make her experience a little less intimidating.

that is, until she began her relentless onslaught of fart bombs. i think she may have been having flashbacks to the first world war, and her subconscious released her own version of lethal gas to protect herself from any possible attackers.

she shrouded me with her clouds of stink, and still looked me in the eye to ask about when to stand up and talk to the cop.

devious as a black widow, masterful in her craft of luring you in just to poison you while you innocently offer advice, she was a rattlesnake in the grass, coiled and ready to strike. no granny, i do not want to be like you when i get old. it seems you have cornered the market on sweet and deadly, i could never dream of following in your footsteps.

she wasn't even the worst of the old lady gang.

last night i had the pleasure of sitting next to old secretary lady, who's biggest offense was the pearl-sized orange ball of ear wax perilously nestled inside her ear, ready to make its escape at the very slightest of head turns.

i tried not to stare.

it was incredibly hard to make small talk with b's other co-workers while at the same time keeping one eye on the crystallized ball of nasty just waiting to roll out onto my miso glazed chilean sea bass and blend right in with the papaya chutney. it was a cruel game. i knew if i wasn't vigilant i would end up eating the wax and be none the wiser.

so naturally i shoveled my food into my gaping mouth as fast as i possibly could so that i could retreat to the ladies room and wrestle with my spanx for about twenty minutes. i figured in that time old secretary lady would have finished her dinner and maybe gotten up to mingle.

i didn't know what i had inadvertently set myself up for.

in the bathroom stall next to me, as i struggled to get my spandexy undies back in place, i had to listen to oversharing old lady making vag farts and ugghhhhh noises. as i barely managed to keep my dinner in my stomach, she proclaimed 'that's how you know the food was goooood!!'

i tried to wash up and exit the restroom before she emerged from the stall, but alas, that was not my fate. no, oversharing lady had to reach right in front of my face to grab a hand towel while i retched silently.

'even these towels are nice here!!' she said with a grin.

i hung my head and ran out the door, never looking back.

and so, with these fine examples laid before my feet, i now know that i will make the effort to become a very different type of old lady. i will smell perpetually of fresh mint leaves and sit in a rocking chair knitting ceaselessly, even in the summers. i will not threaten innocent people with my bodily excretions in any state of matter.

i hereby do declare that i will be a truly harmless old lady. unless of course you try to talk shit about my driving, then i'll be forced to beat you with my cane.


Badass Geek said...

Because of this, I never want to get old. Ever.


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I will never be able to eat a cheese ball ever again.

Sally-Sal said...

Best post ever. I laughed so hard at the oversharer. And vag farts.

Well played..

Anonymous said...

OH GROOOOOOSSSSS! Vag farts.....

Lora said...

this had me laughing and gagging at the same time.

my verification word is xzation.

as in: old ladies are an xzation to the female species

Kristine said...

I wrote about something similar a while back. I never understand how old women make so much fucking noise when they pee. I can HEAR them taking off their granny panties.

mylittlebecky said...

this whole thing made me giggle. "i've showered" is the best! that's how my job is too. people almost never recognize me out and about because i'm not covered in hair and blood and scrubs. mmmmm, hairblood.

i'm glad to see you're planning for the future!

The Peach Tart said...

Yes I've also found that old ladies have nasty arts...take Mama for instance

Miss Yvonne said...

Ear wax while eating...gross!!

Lana said...

badass- i know right!! it's terrifying.

mjenks- why? because good food is now going to make you think of vag farts??

sally- oversharer needs a husband or other loved one to tell her to keep herself in check.

jules- and you know when it's a vag fart beacuse of that distinct sound....

lora- sounds about right for how my life goes :)

k- i know, so fucking nasty. can we make bathroom signs that say 'silence in the stalls at all times'??

becky- yeah, the good thing about being able to look gross for work is that you only need to have an explanation for when you actually clean up.

peach- hi! and is it something like reaching a certain age and then you're allowed into the club of nasty, where your goal is to gross out all those under the age of 65??

miss yvonne- you don't even know, i was like shaking i was so upset about it rolling out of her ear into my food. it probably had it's own source of gravity.

erin said...

I don't know how I missed this post. Old ladies are the enemy! I think that all the time.

My grandma is totally gross, but she's my grandma, so doesn't count. Obviously.

I usually don't pee in public restrooms but I ran into Target with jeremiah and the baby the other day to get a giant mother fucking box of diapers and I had to pee so bad I could taste it.

This super hot super blond super tan girl in a running outfit was getting in a stall right next to me and I'm thinking great, I bet she doesn't even make that embarrassing stream sound she's so much cooler than me.
Then all of the sudden I hear the most disturbing vacating of intestines I've ever heard in my life. Like a violent turbulence of diarrhea shooting from this poor girl. I felt so bad for her, but also felt like I was going to vomit everywhere, so I ran out of that bathroom and didn't even wash my hands. Which is pretty gross in itself.

Gorilla Bananas said...

You heard the old ladies queef? That's quite a talent. If they can queef, they should be capable of ejecting ping-pong balls.

Lana said...

erin- bathroom etiquette might need to be a new subject in school for kids. it's too late for our generation, but maybe we can help the future.

gb- hi! and what kind of old ladies do you know that are flexible like that?! exploit that shit if you can, seems pretty hard to come by.

Organic Meatbag said...

Hahahaha! Wow, that is fucked up... us guys, we miss out on the vag farts but we do get to see where the other gents at the urinal have flickered their boogers against the wall...I still have no idea why this happens, because I sure don't do it...