Wednesday, June 3, 2009

i'm a sadist*, now with more evidence

yesterday i was struck by the realization that there are not nearly enough drive-through coffee places around. as i was out with little miss, the last thing i wanted to do was strap her in, unbuckle, re-strap, and repeat more than was absolutely necessary. she doesn't even like coffee so it's not like i could bribe her to make it easier to take.

but after ultimately successfully pouring a hot cup of love in a dirty gas station while holding a wiggling baby in one arm, i felt pretty damn impressed with myself.

that is, until i got home.

upon returning from my day's activities, i spied the biggest, baddest, meanest wasp of all time buzzing about on my kitchen window screen. so naturally the first thing i did was grab a cup and something to slide under the cup. i trapped that mother so fast it didn't even know what was going on.

i set the angry wasp on the counter and weighted the glass with a lemon. it looked like this:

i giggled and clapped a little.

the wasp got angrier and flew into the glass repeatedly, methodically making it's way up and down, around its clear prison wall.

i love when i can trap bugs who think they're faster than me. i'll show you wasp, how many breaths do you have left little fella? better stop your squealing** before it's too late.

the next thing i did was run over to my computer and type b a little note:

me: when you come home i have something special waiting on the counter for you

b: uh-oh. is it a bug trapped under a glass?

me: hahaha (translate to evil cackle) it is!! it's a giant wasp!

b: oh :( i was hoping you were going to say it was beef wellington.

(no creative license needed, this was our exact conversation)

my standard procedure with bugs i find in the house is this:

1. try to get monster to eat the bug

if that fails (or is likely to fail), i then

2. trap bug under a glass and then put something on top of the glass just to make sure it's too heavy for any super bug adrenaline rush to move

the end result being that

a. b comes home and disposes of offending bug for me


b. the bug dies a horrific death, gasping and wheezing until it finally succumbs to suffocating in a cup of irony, eyes wide open staring blankly at the great world outside of the glass barrier.

well kiddies, b had to work late last night, so guess which fate ol' mr. angry wasp was met with. that's right, he ended up like this:

poor bastard was probably holding his wings and begging for his mommy with his last breath. now if i were standing in the kitchen, waiting for it to finally expire, then i might have a problem. but i was content to only go back in and check a few times so i don't think i need an intervention or anything like that.

*a very special thank you to skitch and mjenks for the correct definition

**it was only screaming in my head


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...


Take that, you little apiary angel of death.

Mr. Condescending said...

Someone should do that to liberty ny!

Skitch said...

I just thought it was funny that B knew exactly what you had waiting for

I have to make sure that they have cups big enough for some people I'd like to trap. That's really an untapped market!

Dr Zibbs said...

You should put that in someone's food now.

Logical Libby said...

Oh yeah! The food idea! The food idea!

Kristine said...

Please don't put it in anyone's food :(

Jerrod said...

so far my favorite post of Mother Hide The Pearls.

I giggled and clapped a little.

well done.

LiLu said...

Ahahahaha! You should do a Shiz My Bf Says. Priceless.

Kristine said...

I totally forgot to mention that this reminds me of when we were living in our old (dump) house and I had to deal with three mice in as many days.

Let's just say that luring the mouse into the bathroom, then throwing in the cat and slamming the door doesn't work. Pink went to sleep on the towels. Dick.

Lana said...

mjenks- awesome alliteration!

mr c.- the whole town??

skitch- that's how we roll :) and i bet if you found just the right size cup you could cut down on the amount of breathing time people would have.

zibbs, ll, & k (all regarding the same issue)- i already threw out the dead wasp body. but i did think today as i was washing dishes that because i don't have a dishwasher and i wash everything by hand, and also that since i'm pretty lazy, there may or may not be some sticky wasp leg bits stuck on that glass. so if you're ever at my house think about that before you ask for a glass of water.

jerrod- yay!! (does that count the older stuff that i wrote before you found my awesome blog?)

lilu- my whole life is b making the funny for me. i need to pass off some of it as my own so i can write in the first person once in a while.

k- that's hilarious! i laughed at the image of pink curling up, licking his whiskers, and watching a mouse run shit. what about that stalker dog? she could have scarred the mice away, no?

Mr. Condescending said...

Um kinda heh.

Jerrod said...

nothing before i got here really matters. i'm kidding. or am i?

mylittlebecky said...

i do this too! my personal best was three cups in the kitchen on return from a trip. sadly, i don't even want to touch the dead ones.

Vic said...

In high school I used to do that all the time, but I'd carefully carry the whole assembly (prisoner inside) out to the yard. Then I'd take a deep breath, throw the whole thing onto the lawn and then run screaming.

The neighbors thought I was hilarious.

Lana said...

becky- strong work!

vic- i laughed picturing you throwing the whole thing :)

Brian said...

I can't believe that wasp was such a big pussy. I mean, that shit wasn't air-tight, and even if it was, how could it have run out of air?? What could it have possibly needed to eat within a 2 hour period that if it didn't, it would die like that? Makes no sense!

Anonymous said...

Oh man, that was pretty damn funny. I am a big baby with wasps. Horrible, useless, stingy, SHARP creatures. I grew up in the woods (no I wasn't raised by wolves!) and every August was wasp central. I lived in a permanent state of paralysis of fear. URGH!