Tuesday, April 14, 2009

name games

when i was pregnant i was constantly berated with 'what's the baby's name?' all day, every day. sometimes i would answer with a few of the possible choices b and i were currently favoring, but as soon as i saw the forced smiles and heard 'oh. that's different' i stopped. worse yet was the droning on and on of every possible association a person has to that particular name.

i became so sensitive to the whole name issue that i just stopped talking about it altogether and simply said 'we don't know, we'll name her when we see her' even though we had her name picked out by the time i was five months along. i know people have varying ways of expressing their curiosity and are often just trying to connect with you. this tempered my frustration but also led me to vow that i would never ask a pregnant woman about the name of her baby as long as i lived.

this vow, however, does not preclude my asking of grown adults 'why did your parents name you THAT?!' as anyone who's ever spent a few hours watching major league baseball can tell you, there are some strange names out there.

i've compiled a list of mlb's choicest examples:

1. razor shines. yes, you're reading that correctly. this one is hands down the leader of the pack, mostly because every time i hear it i have all-too-vivid images of that creepy movie 'monkey shines.' i could go on all day, but i'll spare you.


2. coco crisp. can i get a synchronized 'what the fuck' here please? this one has been irking me for some time now, and i know his real given name is covelli loyce crisp, but that doesn't make me stop thinking about chocolate rice crispy treats.

3. milton bradley. two names, ordinary enough in their own right, but put them together and you have and infinite selection of circus and toy-related images haunting your brain for at least five-ten minutes.

4. kosuke fukudome. ok, ok. japanese is a completely different language, with sound combinations nothing like what we americans are used to, but the little kid in me can't help but hear 'go-suck-it fuck-you-do-me' in my head whenever i see this guy's name.

5. boof bonser. for serious. i don't even feel bad ragging on this clown for that awful name because he sucks and was dead weight on b's fantasy baseball team last year.

i only hope my little girl won't grow up hating her name. now that i think about it, i grew up hating my name. i was probably in college by the time i realised that i actually liked having my name. it was hard though, being a child of the 80's and hating my mom for not naming me 'tiffany' or 'jem'.

aaaannnnd, now i'm over it. that's why they made it legal to change your name. so little miss, if you're 25 and hate your name, come talk to me first and i'll pick out a new name for you.

6 comments:

Dr Zibbs said...

i like #1

sour said...

i have an interesting first name, and hated it until i was in my early 20s too.
i know somebody named candy dahl (doll)
and another named rusty nichols (nickels)

what the?

Vic said...

Both of my kids have unusual names. Not "Boy Named Sue" unusual, but different. So far they don't hate them.

No one ever likes the names you pick out when you're pregnant.

Skitch said...

If you're looking for another baseball name, try one they've honored with a statue...

http://www.theonion.com/content/news_briefs/mets_fans_perplexed_by_new?utm_source=a-section

Brian said...

Yo, every time I hear 'Razor Shines' I picture myself being chased down a grimy alley at night by Mr. Shines...except he isn't the third base coach of the Mets, he's a modern day vampire, like 'Blackula,' and he's wearing sun glasses and a mini-cape (what are those things called?). His pearly white teeth are exposed in a beaming grin and even though I'm running away at top speed, and he's merely floating along like mist, he's STILL gaining on me.

Lana said...

zibbs- it makes me shudder and say eewww in my head every time i even think it :(

sour- hi! yeah, having a different name is almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy that you have to become cool enough to grow into it

vic- hi! and WHYWHYWHY do people overshare when it comes to names when you're pregnant? i never need to know that someone doesn't like a certain name because of some tool they knew in junior high

skitch- that statue is wack! who's idea was that? and also, i was thinking about using catfish hunter, but i didn't want to go there :)

b- nice 'blackula' reference :)