Wednesday, March 25, 2009

#38 on the 'why i hate tor view village' list

i won't get into the previous 37 reasons i have listed in my head of why my apartment complex, with the worst name ever (reason #4 because it references weird mountain), sucks hard. i will instead share with you a little ditty i recently heard from my bedroom window. but first, let me set you up with a little background info:

-mrs. toothless wonder (has most of her teeth, not sure where the name came from) has some kind of disability that made her legs as thin as pretzel rods. but despite the fact that her condition might elicit some profound sympathy for the lady, she is continually the most annoying busybody ever imaginable.

-mr. toothless works at the deli counter of the local grocery store and is fond of yelling into other people's apartments with his megaphone, that also somehow has a radio tuner on it forever set to the easy-listening station.

-then there's their son ryan, whoo boy, this kid has some serious issues. picture that 14 year old who's in the 'special' classes and can't get along with kids his own age so he steals toys from the neighborhood preschoolers who haven't yet learned to run when they see him coming. oh, and he also likes to get in his mother's car (beats the hell out of me how she can exert enough force on the gas pedal to drive with her twigs but whatever), blast the radio, and rev the gas for no reason.

so, now that you have an accurate mental picture of the characters, here's the dialogue:

mrs. toothless: 'RYYYAAAAAAAAAANNN!! where's my cane?!?'

ryan: 'i got a new phone, it's 6:01, exactly. ugh, right THERE!!'

mrs. toothless: 'no, not that one, the SILVER one!'

ryan: 'whatever, you're slowing me down. i got a new phone.'

mrs. toothless: 'ryan, get in the car NOOOWWW!'


mrs. toothless: 'get in the car or i'm gonna leave you here!'

ryan: 'GOOD! i don't wanna go anyways!'

mrs. toothless: 'RYAANNnnn....' (voice fading as she gets in the car and slams the door)

ryan: 'what's the big deal anyway?'

oh yeah, and did i mention that this is a regular occurrence on sunday mornings? yes, sunday mornings, right outside my window (which, unfortunately, happens to overlook her parking spot) when all the rest of the world is still trying to sleep.

these folks are so crazy that even my 50-pound, man eater of a dog can't be bothered to bark at them, knowing full well it's a waste of his time.

i console myself with thoughts of a nice, quiet neighborhood, where even if wackos like these exist, i'll be able to ignore them from inside my huge, sprawling home. maybe that scenario isn't going to come about for a long time, but believe me, when it does, i will cherish every second away from the insanity that is tor view-suck my ass-village.

1 comment:

Brian said...

Yo I almost busted out laughing in front of coworkers when you were talking about her pretzel rod legs!