Friday, December 11, 2009

i've been a good girl this year

dear hannukah harry,

please don't be pissed that despite being a relatively uninformed jew for the past thirty years i still don't know how to spell chanukka.

and also, please don't think i'm a sellout because i have a christmas tree and a menorah. that tree is so pretty and when i put a piney scented candle near it, it makes me feel all forresty and wintery.

hanuka candles never smell that good.

now that i've gotten that out of the way, i'd like to ask you to pretty please hook me up this year with a new phone. you see, the last one you got me was a little outdated, and never really got good reception.

plus it started to rust after i dropped in it the snow.

so the next year i went over your head and got myself a stylish new phone all on my own. it looked like this:

but then i dropped it into a pot of watercress soup at work and it smelled like sour cream ever since that day.

the one i got to replace the soupy phone wasn't much of an upgrade and now tends to shut off automatically when it gets mad about all the baby drool on it.

i can't say i blame that poor phone. i wouldn't want to drooled on either.

what this all comes down to is simply that if you can find a way to get me a phone that performs better than little miss's table-top phone, and even has a decent camera on it, i promise you won't regret it.

there are so many wonderful things i can take pictures of and text to you that would make you smile. the other day i saw a portrait of a man who had just told a really dirty and inappropriate joke and he was waiting for me to either crack up or smack him. i really, really wished i had a way to capture that moment and share it with you. but alas, it was not meant to be.

together, hannuka harry, you and i can change the way i share crazy with the world. i'll even make you some of the best latkes you'll ever have. if that's not enough of a bribe for you to help a girl out, than i don't know what else i can do. i'd hate to resort to threats because they take so much work, and frankly, i'm too lazy for that shit. i'll just say, do yourself a favor harry, for the sake of your reputation, please don't cheap out on me. the world is watching and the ball's in your court.

i'm ready and waiting, your time starts.....NOW!

thank you and good day. with deepest regards,



PorkStar said...

You said balls lmao

Well, I hope you do get your phone but being that someone's a clumsy hands with the phone, you may be getting a "Lana version" phone, which can withstand the treatments you give it.

With much love

P : )

Organic Meatbag said...

Hahahaha! Do you remember when Hannukah (sp ???) saved Christmas? I do..he rocked... it made me want to be Jewish...many people think I'm Jewish anyway because of my nose...and by the way, if it were up to me, you'd get everything in this world you want, because it seems that you were indeed a good girl this year!

Lora said...

I love this Chuanika candle

*uncorked said...

Oh I love you. My phone went swimming in a sink on New Years Eve last year. Although no one believes me - I swear it wasn't a toilet!

Badass Geek said...

My phone swam in soda once... It died immediately.

Anonymous said...

I had the whole "how the hell do you spell Chanukkah?" thing when I made my holiday ecard. I did research and NO ONE CAN AGREE. So I just picked one and stuck to it. :) I think you are all just overwhelmed with joy at the 8 presents thing that you neglected to delegate a proper spelling. Happy Hanukkah/Hannukah/Hannukkah/Chanukkah/Channukah/ FKSS*ERHG:AH.

Anonymous said...
This is the phone my darling husband got me.
It is ALL that...and then some!

Lana said...

pork- that's exactly why i want my pal harry to buy it for me, because i know i'm going to ruin it by march.

meaty- i annoint you my honorary hanukkah harry!! (but without all the gift-giving obligations ;))

lora- i'm going to have to check that one out! i usually run over to the balsam and ceder candles and buy them like a crackhead on a spending spree at his favorite corner.

v- i believe you! a pee-phone is a great story, why would anyone hide that?

badass- oohh, i can imagine all the bubbles just tearing apart the insides of that poor phone. at least the soup was a gentle death, albeit stinky...

veg- i don't even have the patience to look up how to spell it so i just make that shit up each time. but i love you even more now that i know you looked it up for your card!

rebecca- sweet deal you got there! i can only hope harry will hook me up so nicely ;)

Skitch said...

As soon as I read your salutation, this is what I thought of...

Hope he brings you every practical gift this holiday season! :p