Monday, June 29, 2009

there's no segue good enough for this mess

i'm back blog, did you miss me?! whatever, not like i have anything earth shattering to talk about, just a few random stories of weirdness. but before i get started, i have to send a huge thanks to kristine for hooking me up with a funny and nostalgic post and reminding me that my shoulders used to be real bony. and also a hello and thanks for stopping by(!) to the new readers that she may have lured over here with promises of who knows what.

after my much needed mini vaca to cape cod, i returned home to jump right back into my routine of work and more work. saturday night i was catering a wedding for about 300 people. the decor looked strikingly similar to the wedding scene in beetleguese, but the blood red calla lilies and black lamps on the tables wasn't the weird part. what struck me as being a little over the top, not to mention an unnecessary mixing of genres, was the troupe of midgets dressed up as oompa loompas.

those little guys were lingering in the kitchen, watching us plate up 300 pain-in-the-ass tiny little plates of a dessert sampler, in full costume. when i first saw them i almost giggled and clapped, but then i realized just how out of place they were. they didn't talk much. in fact, they all looked extremely bored and put out. maybe that was their defense against the question we were all dying to ask, 'what exactly are you guys going to be doing here?'

i never found out. by the time my boss said 'aqui, chula, take some chickens for your husband' their act had yet to start.

maybe that's for the better anyway, those fuckers always scared the shit out of me in the movie.

as i related the story of my night to b, he reminded me about another uncomfortable food-related situation. it must have been last summer, because i was in that 'i'm so pregnant my baby might come out if i fart too loudly' condition, and also because we were at the hospital for the baby classes. being unable to waddle too far, we ate lunch at the hospital cafeteria. b ordered two hot dogs, thinking that that was a reasonable request.

what he got looked like this:

i know that's a piss poor job of photoshopping two hot dogs into one bun, but it really was the best i could find. no, what b got was actually worse. it was two sorry looking naked dogs nestled into one bun, but they gave him two. so on his plate were two buns and four dogs. the chick behind the counter looked at him like he had three heads when he asked for two more buns.

the real humor was the fact that he ate the weird dogs out of desperate hunger.

he felt so dirty afterwards, like as if someone had made him watch a bad porn or something else comparably naughty.

he made me promise not to tell anyone that he really ate the weird dogs.

sorry b.

even more bizarre than the double dog incident was the first time i met bill murray.

bill is a good friend of the restaurateur i used to work for. he was in and out of the different kitchens of the restaurants my former boss owned, and he even showed up to our summer picnic one year and played on our softball team.

as you can imagine, he's a total wacko in person. not only does he look about thirty years older than he really is, but he dresses in those old polyester blazers and shirts that look like the stereotypical garb an old, bumbling geezer would wear. i don't know if it's a deliberate effort or not, but it only adds to his oddball persona that he's developed over the years.

so the first time i met him i was working at my station, getting ready for dinner service. i was so intent on chopping scallions or whatever the fuck it was that i didn't even see him until he was about four inches from my face on the other side of the pass line (the shelf where you put plates for pick up). my boss introduced me to him and he mumbled something indiscernible and stuck two fingers at me through the pass, at about chin height.

two fingers for me to shake in some weird alternate version of a handshake.

i didn't even want to touch him, i almost yelled out loud 'what the fuck?!'

but i saw my boss nod subtly at the fingers and i just took a deep breath and did it. i shook his fingers and said some 'nice to meet you' crap, all the while wondering if this was something he did with everyone, or did he think that i couldn't handle exposure to all five digits on his right hand.

not that i dislike the man, but come on. two fingers?!

i still feel like scowling and shifting my weight uncomfortably when i think about it.

and now, some cuteness for a little balance:

little miss was way too annoyed about not being able to crawl after the dead jellyfish washed up on the beach to co-operate for a nice photo shoot. but these two in their tankinis was worth me stepping on a little dirty jelly and slimey seaweed.

of course, getting trapped by a rapidly rising tide with a stroller laden like a packing mule might have been a little too much. thanks miss, for at least not protesting to being carted over an acre of beach rocks while mommy scrambled for saftey.


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Welcome back!

I've always heard that Bill Murray was really weird. You've kind of confirmed it here.

Badass Geek said...

Billy Murray is synonymous for weird.

Dr Zibbs said...


Kristine said...

In my head, Bill Murray was giving you a "CH-POW!" gun greeting, and you misunderstood and shook his pistol.

SO dirty!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

As long as the pistol didn't go off in her hand, she should be cool, right?


miss. chief said...

wow, those were three rad posts in one!!
i can't believe you didn't find an excuse to hang around the kitchen to find out what the oompa loompas were doing there.

my word verification is "sperem" which i thought said "sperm" of course. hilarity ensued.

Lana said...

mjenks- yay for being back! and so weird, icky weird.

badass- i think that's why i was so bothered by him, because i am synonomous with awkward.

zibbs- did they scare you too?

k- it totally may have happened like that. you know how bad i am at interpreting other people's actions.

mjenks- was that supposed to be dirty? because eeww :(

miss- yay!! and after an eleven hour shift in the bronx (45 min from home) not even oompas were enticing enough to make me stick around.

thank god it wasn't sperm, cause that would have been so sexist i would have had to kick my computer's ass for it.

Sally-Sal said...

That hotdog story cracked me up!

Me and one of my buddies went out for mexican food once, and he ordered a taco 'with lettuce and cheese only'. He got a taco shell with lettuce, cheese, and no meat.

Skitch said...

Lol...those were great stories and I needed a laugh.

I heard Murray was weird. Actually, I think that's kind of cool to be eccentric like that. People never know what to expect of you!

That's why I'm going to stop wearing pants altogether...


Miss Yvonne said...

Oompa loompas scare the crap out of me! If I saw a bunch of them standing around, I would freak the hell out and probably throw my purse at them.

Lana said...

sally- right! that shit was hysterical

skitch- yay for laughs! and eeww for no pants :(

miss yvonne- standing around in a kitchen of all places. it was too weird, i had to escape

Lora said...

I love Bill Murray more than anything.... when he is inside the television. He used to own the minor league baseball team in my hometown, and anyone who ran into him would tell you that the two finger thing is the least of his weirdness!

That's what coke does to you, kids. Stay off the drugs.

And I would freak the eff out if oompah loompahs were in my office.