Friday, June 19, 2009

bambi doesn't want to see your junk, and neither do i

i love to go hiking, whether by myself, with monster by my side, or just with some friends. i have been to many local parks and mountains nearby over the course of my years and have almost always enjoyed the feeling of being close to nature.

there was that one incident at weird mountain, but that's not where i'm going with this today.

no, today i'd like to talk about how hiking can be a pleasant experience, with your clothes on.

this morning, the one article that jumped out of my monitor and slapped me in the face was the one in which i read 'hikers who prefer clothes are not happy.'

now, i'm all about letting people decide whatever lame annual events they want to participate in, but just because there's a naked hiking day, doesn't mean that you can hate on me for wanting to walk through the woods with my clothes on.

i love natural crap as much as the next person, but you'll never find me using the summer solstice as an excuse to pretend i'm chilling with pan or diana, traipsing around in the buff.

and don't even try to pull that whole 'but it's easier to spot deer ticks' argument with me either. i can check for ticks just fine by pulling up my pant leg.

no, you silly nude hikers, you have no grounds to label me. in fact, it is i who can call you names. how about pedophile? do you like that one? because that's what you're going to be known as if someone spies your junk swinging in the breeze if they happen to be out hiking with their children.

if communing with nature was something that made you feel strongly enough to free yourself of your material shell on one specific day, than perhaps you should look into one of those off-the-grid habitats where your blatant disregard for social norms will be more accepted. that way you can go all out, literally i guess, if you wanted to.

and now, because i can, i will show you some pics of hiking + clothes + happiness.

even monster is smiling in these pics. you can't argue with that happiness.


the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

Yeah, but Monster is naked in those pics. I TOTALLY SEE THEIR POINT NOW!!!

Also, don't "naked hikers" ever consider stuff like...poison ivy? Or mosquito bites? Or even the aforementioned deer ticks?

If there's one place you don't want ANY of those, it's in your pubic regions.

Badass Geek said...

The only thing worth doing naked is showering, and makin' babies.

Hiking? Not so much.

Vic said...

Beautiful pictures - but are you hiking in flip flops? You are a way more badass hiker than I am, if so. I'd be all whiny and ankle-twisted. :)

Miss Yvonne said...

I could never hike naked. The amount of thigh chaffing would be catastrophic.

Also, I've decided that if I ever see a naked man with his junk flying around while I'm hiking, I'm going to yell "I've seen better heads on boils!" at him. Get it? HEADS on boils??

erin said...

Miss Yvonne said 'thigh chafing'...I started to run again recently after a 4 year 8 month hiatus and I actually had some thigh chafing. And I cried about it. Then I ate a muffin.
I need a new pair of sneaks before we go out in the ye ole' wilderness again. I wore a pair of my mom's hand me downs last time and got huge blisters all over my precious angel feet.

Kristine said...

Haha! You ARE hiking in flip-flops! I suppose Minnewaska's (?) not all that treacherous, but STILL.

Don't forget, Angie hiked that shit barefoot and we had to CARRY HER home. And by "we" I mean "I."

mylittlebecky said...

this looks AWESOME! i want to hike with MY naked dogs! i am so jealous :)

Lana said...

mjenks- all strong arguments, nature isn't cool enough to make me want poison ivy privates. and would it have been weirder if monster had clothes on?

badass- well said, i agree! (except for the occassional costume)

vic- i am in fact the biggest pussy ever. on that particular day i had a blister and would put my flip flops on and whine a little about how much it hurt whenever we would stop for a few minutes.

miss yvonne- me too! but what the hell, is naked hiking day only meant for those with twig legs? that shit is discrimination if you ask me. yet another reason to mock them.

erin- at least you're running!! that's way more that i would commit to. and go get yourself a pedicure, stat. those asian chicks will rub the shit out of your angel feet.

k- see response to vic :) and how in the hell could i forget that mess! she threw her back out for like the whole rest of the summer. (yes, 1st pic is minnewaska, the other two are silver mine :))

becky- hiking with dogs may be one of the most enjoyable things to do with them. plus they get all tired and extra lazy and sleep for like two days straight afterwards.

Girl Interrupted said...

OMG! I could never go hiking naked!

Actually, until they eliminate bugs, nettles, dangerous beasts of any kind, thigh chafing, foot blisters and lack of comfy seating ... I could never go hiking.

Sally-Sal said...

You look fantastic! It must be that new exercise craze, hiking in flops.

Organic Meatbag said...

Hi Lana! Naked hiking? Seriously? I think this would be the easiest way for a man to contract "snake-bitten penis"!