Friday, October 23, 2009

i are scientists

i smiled this morning as i realized that i was privy to a major scientific breakthrough occurring right before my eyes.

i saw a distinct example of darwin's theory (although i hate to call it that, because isn't it pretty much fact at this point?) of natural selection in action. behold, my foot-shaped candy dish:

note the remnants of your ordinary bag of candy corn present in the foot. what we have here is more than leftover candy, folks. no, these rejected pieces, the ones not enticing enough to make the giant leap from the foot to a mouth represent the mutants in the candy corn society.

the candy corns that were most appealing, and not discolored, broken, or in any other way ill-suited to be the best candy corn they could be, were the ones eaten. and as such, those are the ones that will be the driving force behind my compulsion to go out and buy more candy corn.

if i had opened an entire bag of the mutants from the beginning, i wouldn't be consuming my weight in candy corn every hour of every day for the month of october. brach's business would surely feel the downturn, and candy corns everywhere would be dying out.

until next fall, but that's a whole separate scientific theory.

i wonder if that's what happened to the candy pumpkins?

these fuckers are so damn delicious that i can see their cherubic smiles and hear their joyous giggles as i eat them. they're happy to please. they know they're too good for their own good, and thus they serve their purpose well.

perhaps too well.

i fear they may now be extinct, or at the very least an endangered species. i have repeatedly searched for them in the three major grocery stores within a two mile radius of my house to no avail. i am now contemplating going to the corner store bodegas, like the candy pumpkin junkie that i am, to overpay for stale, grouchy pumpkins.

that too, is a whole separate issue.

but for now, i think i'll leave you with this parting thought: if you find yourself staring into the bottom of a candy dish, with only a few pieces remaining, let them be. they were meant to be the stragglers for a reason.


Jules said...

Dingo and Hubby had a whole love of those stupid pumpkins when she came to visit. I HATE them!

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I loves me some of those pumpkins, too. I guess I know what my weekend mission will be.

And, yeah, it's still just a theory. There's enough supporting evidence to push it off the hypothesis pile, but the problem is testing it time and time again. Plus, there's still questions that arise like "why do people have red hair? What advantage does that lend to survival?" Whereas I just say, "Who cares? Thank God that they have it!" And then we're kind of back at square one with the theory thing.

Badass Geek said...

Oh, how could I have forgotten about those candy pumpkins? I love those things.

Organic Meatbag said...

Mmmmmm....I LOVE candy corn!! So syrupy sweet and tooth-rotting!

otherworldlyone said...

I like throwing those at children from the bushes while they trick-or-treat. It completes me.

mylittlebecky said...

holy lord, the pumpkins are gone? gone? (sad that i didn't even remember them from last year until just now. but i love those things!)

Lana said...

jules- that's ok, more for me!!

mjenks- good luck, mi amici (or is it amicus? you know what i mean...)

and totally without any sarcasm, thank you for the clarification. it makes sense that a 'fact' would have to be tested and proved.

badass- go get some!! and listen for their giggles.

meaty- oh man, i think my blood is liquid candy corn right about now. it really does take a whole year to recover from them :)

owo- throw some at me lady!! i need them, must have pumpkins...

becky- i can't say for sure, or maybe they're just playing hard to get. that just makes me want them even more.

Logical Libby said...

I don't like the taste of candy corn, but I like mashing them on my teeth to make fangs. You can't do that with the mutant ones.

Hannah Miet said...

I'm glad Mr.C drew you over to my blog, because now I have discovered yours and it's great.

Those pumpkin fuckers are soooo good.

The only thing I love about it getting cold are pumpkin related things. Pumpkin ale, pumpkin pie, halloween, pumpkin fuckers.


Dingo said...

I LOVE the candy pumpkins but I can't find them anywhere around here anymore. I am distraught. I miss biting the green part off first and then scraping my teeth all around the side of what's left before popping them in my mouth -- yummy!

As for the dregs of candy corn society left in the dish? You're supposed to hold them between your fingers until they're soft and then smush them together in to a ball before eating them. I can't believe you didn't know that! I don't think you deserve any candy pumpkins.

Lana said...

ll- yeah, who wants mismatched, discolored fangs? not me.

hannah- hi! and thanks :) i can tell we think alike because i too would have put pumpkin ale before all other things pumpkin.

dingo- hi! i think that is absolutely the best way to eat a candy pumpkin, stem first always. but as for mushing the mutants to get soft? i'll pass, i don't like sticky things in my hands.

please don't take away my pumpkins (if i ever find any).

Lora said...

There are two kinds of people in this world. Those that love candy corn and all related products, and those that loathe them. I'm one of the latter. Unless, unless, (are you ready for this?) It is mixed with an equal amount of dry roasted peanuts. OMG, indeed.

Just seeing those candies makes my teeth throb and my guts retch. That's how much I hate it. My mom makes that peanut corn stuff, and puts some in a brown bag for me so I can eat it without looking at it. Because I just can't.

Lola Lakely said...

This post kicked ass. It's brilliant that you equated candy corn with Darwin's theory of natural selection. The picture made me laugh and reminded me that I cannot buy candy corn because i literally eat them until I feel sick. I don't know why I do this. But I have no willpower and I CAN NOT STOP EATING THEM.

*uncorked said...

Wonderful post - I LOVE candy corn. When I had my kidney infection a few weeks ago and was waiting for my prescription at Walgreens I ate two bags of candy corn - which then they told me that candy was bad for me. It made me feel better, so what the fuck do they know? Also, a foot shaped candy dish? I'm not sold on this - I think I might equate foot smell with the candy and then I might get skinny and have nothing to bitch about.

Lana said...

lora- i agree with you about there being no middle ground with the candy corns/pumpkins.

ps. i make my own recipe of hot nuts every year for the holidays. i should send you some, you can mix them with whatever candy you want :)

lola- they really are magical. i just this very second got the idea to do a candy corn eating contest. would you enter if i hosted it??

v- oh man, they're so fucking good right out of the bag! perfectly fresh. and b hates that foot but i overruled him and display it proudly :)