Tuesday, May 12, 2009

who, me?

i'm really awkward in person. if you met me, spent half a day with me, and then had a minute to reflect, you'd think i was in need of some chemically induced stability.

i often make jokes when others are serious, and become intensely focused when others are lighthearted. sometimes it takes days for me to even realize the emotional discrepancy, but i do eventually see it. i've never been good at reading people, so i'm usually left playing catch-up.

i've come to accept this, but that doesn't mean that it never bothers me occasionally.

recently, at work, i had an experience where someone said to another co-worker 'i'm scared of her, she NEVER smiles' referring to me, in that jokey-i'm-kinda-serious way. the other co-worker replied 'who, HER? she's always laughing, what are you talking about?'

since both of these people are people that i would consider friendly acquaintances, i was a little surprised at the opposite opinions. now, i've been known to say that i could care less what people think of me and that i just 'do my own thing.' but we all know that everybody cares. even if it's just a little bit, only once every few weeks or so, there comes a time when you do actually care.

today is that day for me. so instead of talking about how nice and sunny it is outside, or how cute monster looks curled up into a ball with his tail around his nose, i'll just leave you with one last tidbit from my sometimes irrational logic:

sometimes i feel the more friends i have the more lonely i am. i'll take my three or four good ones, hold them close, and feel comfortable knowing that i don't have to pretend to make sense to them.

i guess that's not all that irrational, maybe i'm too morose for witticisms today.

ps. i can't stop laughing at the fact that i haven't changed the batteries on one of fuss's singy toys and every five minutes or so i now hear 'if you're happy and you know it clap your hands' in that drawn out, demonic, warble voice.


Deutlich said...

A lot of times I feel like the more friends I have the lonelier I am as well.

It kind of sucks.

erin said...

I don't have any friends at all, and I don't often feel lonely...so maybe your hypothesis is correct. Then again I have four children hanging on me four days a week and one the other three days being overly clingy because the other three kids aren't there.
Wow, that was a mouthful!

miss. chief said...

hahaha i love it when toys get demonic like that. my little sister had a barney the purple dinosaur toy and i swear it was actually possessed. i think it was her, but someone was with me and we were asking it questions, just fooling around because it had the demon voice and it was supposed to say things like "super-dee-duper" ... but it actually answered our questions, his catch phrases matching our questions in a crazy coincidence but also it would talk when we didn't push the button and it MADE SENSE with what we were saying. it was actually really creepy

Jerrod said...

I totally get that at work as well. I think for the most part, people are so wrapped up in themselves and how they need to have everyone treat them like royalty... they forget to realize that it just might be a bad damn day for you. or month... whatever.

don't worry, i'll "not smile" with you.

and a couple close friends are so much better than a lot of "what is wrong with you?" friends. by far.

Kristine said...

My love,

The less sense we make, the more clearly I see the world.

(I don't know...I kind of made that up, but I'm pretty sure it might also be brilliant.)

Also, the demonic sounding toys are always the least irritating ones :)


Miss Yvonne said...

I'm a total beeotch most days, so a lot of people think I'm a jerk. Sometimes I want to yell at them "I'm really a nice person, damn it!". I'm sure that would change their minds.

Lana said...

deutlich- somehow when i wrote this, i just knew you would get it

erin- i think you get me perfectly :)

miss- barney can be psychic, i've heard the cartoon version talk about things exactly as i was thinking them.

jerrod- see, this is my problem, i can sometimes feel overly self-centered if i try to make people understand what i'm really talking about. that didn't even make sense to me, sorry :(

k- brills!! (clapping loudly)

Lana said...

miss yvonne- you are me. (i hope that's not too scary for you)

Vic said...

I think you sound like an introvert. Probably because I'm an introvert and I'm pretty much exactly like you described too. (but not shy)
I think blogging makes that easier - gives us time to think about what we want to say (or not say) without a crowd of people staring us down.

Mr. Condescending said...

I love living in my own little world. You should too!

Lana said...

vic- i absolutely need to think more before i talk, i often end up apologizing for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time

mr- yeah, it's not so bad in here, i should clean up a little more though...