Tuesday, May 19, 2009

eat at your own risk

there's nothing wrong with being sexually adventurous, but there's definitely some lines that i won't cross. the biggest taboo for me is the mixing of food and sex.

these two acts, once merely for survival, have often become intertwined and co-mingled in a way that i will never feel comfortable with. i like to savor the taste of a well-prepared meal, or enjoy a delicious dessert, on a plate. i prefer any sexual encounter to be as far removed from the kitchen as possible.

but there are some folks out there who would call me prude, or at the very least, tell me that i can't knock it til i try it. all i can say to that is you can have your whipped cream bikinis and sushi served on a woman wearing nothing more than lotus leaves, i'm too much of a purist to taint one pleasure with another. and how do you really, really know what you're getting yourself into? humans can carry around some nasty little surprises that may only become visible when it's way too late for you to do anything about it. before any of you guys get too excited, ask yourself, is this thick, rich whipped cream just masking genital warts and maybe some crabs? or perhaps, think twice before using your chopsticks near the sushi woman's too-perky breasts, lest you cause her implant to rupture, spilling boob juices onto your spicy tuna maki.

thinking about eating, licking, or otherwise consuming food from another person's body, no matter how physically attractive they may be, is so repulsive to me that i can't help but shudder and make that 'bleeecchhh' sound.

body shots are right up there as well. you might argue that if the liquor is strong enough, say moonshine as opposed to peach schnapps, there might actually be some sanitizing going on there to make ingesting fluid off of someone's body seem not so bad. and you may be right, but i will not be the one to test that theory.

this whole topic may seem a bit out of the blue for me, but the truth is, it's been prompted by what i consider to be one of the most disturbing advertisements i've ever seen.

there's so many levels of wrong here, white castle. the weird shadowy, smokey lighting, the pig stripper taking pleasure in covering herself in the sauce, and the fact that she knows she's performing for a crowd who's captivated by her sexy dance. eeww. but the part that really gets to me, the part where i have to say 'that's enough of this food porn!' and quickly change the channel, is when the guy licks the sauce off the paper bag from his finger and then nods his head, acknowledging his pleasure.

it's too much for me. i need a hot, steamy shower to clean all the icky off.


Mr. Condescending said...

Lana go google 'portuguese breakfast'.

One thing that has haunted me for many years is when I heard about people drinking wine out of their lovers shoe.

Sally-Sal said...

For some reason, after reading this, all I can picture is a man rubbing a hunk of spam on a woman. I'm going to go bleach my eyes now.

mylittlebecky said...

well, i was gonna try it... but NOW I CAN NEVER EAT FOOD AGAIN! bleck.

Dr Zibbs said...

So I guess I should reconsider introducing a cheesesteak into the bedroom?

Dr Zibbs said...

And I'll add that I do love to sneak up behind my wife when she's in the kitchen and rub a cucumber on her an make groaning noises.

It always makes me laugh.

the iNDefatigable mjenks said...

I guess I shouldn't tell you about my ex-fiancee and why she bought so many bananas then, huh?

Lana said...

mr. c- how would you know if you actually get all the eggs out?! (please don't answer)

sally- i hope that bleach works for you, i'd hate for you to have to carry that image around

becky- if you think that's bad, then you definitley should not do as mr. c suggested.

zibbs- a real man has enough meat in the bedroom and doesn't need any more :) but i can see how the cucumber could be a cute couply-joke.

mjenks- no! gross :(

miss. chief said...

ugh, i am so with you. it just grosses me out. the whole chocolate sauce in bed thing? yuck
licking strangers? double yuck

that commercial was the opposite of appetizing.

Kristine said...

YES! I saw this the other day and was like, uhh...barf? What?

It's like the ones with Paris Hilton and that Top Chef chick having sex with a hamburger. I guess it's a guy thing? I don't know.

Skitch said...

Just as long as you don't go the George Costanza route in Seinfeld and watch a mini TV while dipping corned beef in hot, spicy mustard and fornicating! Even though he appreciated the erotic qualities of cured meats, doesn't mean everyone has to! ;)

Lana said...

miss- ew, i never heard the chocolate sauce in bed one.

k- i'd like to think guys hate it too, i know b does

skitch- that was way to descriptive and now i have that visual, thanks :(

Brian said...

At least when Costanza did it, it was funny. I don't even get this commercial. I mean, I get it...'our food is so good you'll wanna have sex with it.'


I don't like the weird background music. I don't like the Donnie Darko-esque costume. I don't like the sauce that spills from overhead looking like blood. I don't like the blood-sauce being whip-splashed onto the two dudes sitting there. And if all that wasn't enough...who the fuck is gonna buy a pulled pork sandwich from fucking WHITE CASTLE?!?