Thursday, May 28, 2009
either way, it dawned on me that i should probably take advantage of my sybil-esque tendencies and see what fruitful results i can elicit from deep within my psyche. this morning i took a very thorough survey of my peeps to see what they had to say about this whole 'free weekend' situation.
me: hey practicality, what do you think about this weekend? got any good ideas?
p: uh, how about vacuuming up this dirthole you live in for starters? then there's always laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, making baby food, more dishes....
me: yeah, ok i get it. you're boring, who's next?
me: what's up free spirit? what would you do with three days to yourself?
fs: oh hi! well let's see, i might take monster out for a really long hike up in silver mine or maybe even minnewaska. oooh, and i'd have to make sure i brought a notebook to capture any reflections i might be stricken with as i'm surrounded by nature's beauty. i might also want to start planting that garden i've been talking about. i could have all organic vegetables and then have some flowers on the edges to bring some harmony.
me: uh, that all sounds like work to me. i'm trying to not do any work here, maybe next time... i think i see paranoia over there, maybe she has something to offer.
me: paranoia, what the hell are you doing with all this foam padding stuff?
p: oh, just a little babyproofing.
me: um, i don't think monster is going to be very happy with padding on his feet. have you thought this through?
p: oh yes. this is exactly what the book said to do, cover ALL sharp objects in the house, and if you haven't noticed he's got some claws there.
me: o..k... you don't think that's a little extreme? i mean, he still has to walk, and it's not like the baby can get up onto his sleeping chair to mess with them.
p: uh-oh. is it too much? am i over-protecting? is little miss never going to learn to have natural boundaries? are other parents going to think she's spoiled? is she going to be able to make friends in kindergarten? is she...
me: that's enough! i gotta go see something, uh, over there. bye.
me: potty-mouth! you ol' bitchass! it's been too long!! maybe you can help me think of something to do this weekend. whattya got for me?
pm: for fuck's sake, enough with this indecisive bullshit. just get your ass out and do something already. b will be here to watch little miss, so you can go get shitfaced in the middle of the day if you want.
me: oooh that sounds fun! you coming?
pm: fuck that! it's supposed to rain. i don't go anywhere in the rain.
me: well, i can't exactly go out drinking in the middle of the day all alone. it's not that fun to get shitty and talk to myself.
pm: and that's so different from this crap you're pulling right now?
me: right. whatever. fuck off. i'm going to talk to laziness.
me: lazy, you have to have something good for me. no one else has been any help. i just don't know what would be the best way to spend my weekend.
l: go to the beer store, get a sixer of something new, put b on baby duty, and park it on the couch alternating between horror movies and super mario galaxy. done.
me: i knew i saved the best for last for a reason! you are so good at understanding me. how do you always have the right thing to say?
l: i'm really just too lazy for this conversation. can i go nap now?
i think laziness is my new best friend. at the very least, i should definitely listen to her a little more often. oh wait, i think i just did. i was going to make up some fun pictures in paint to illustrate this post, but guess what, i'm too lazy! so my words are all you're going to have, i trust you all to create wonderfully funny and appropriate images in your heads for yourselves.
and now if you'll excuse me, i think i need a nice long nap to help me gear up for all the sitting around i plan on doing this weekend.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
really though, i'm talking about how i like to dehydrate all my house plants and then bring them back to life at the very last minute.
behold my sad little christmas cactus.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
before i do that, i can easily take a few minutes to tell you all about this little gadgety thing i saw on kristine's blog this morning. it's called wordle, and it takes your most commonly used words from your text and makes a cute little arrangement for you. since something new is better than nothing at all, i thought i'd try it. (and no, it's not stealing post ideas if she encouraged people to do it. which, by the way, you should do it too, it's fun.)
here's my compilation: *
who knows, maybe the little guys inside my computer who run around picking up words and throwing them back down randomly forgot all about 'so' because it's so little. at least they didn't forget 'assclowns'. that's one of my favorites.
or maybe the little computer guys are obsessed with any word that starts with the letter 'a'. it seems there's a disproportionate amount of a-words in this wordle. they even grabbed the abbreviation a's (for the oakland athletics-worst baseball team name ever). i guess i should take the hint and change up my writing a little bit. there's only so much i can write about appetite addiction or adventurous attention.
i always did have a problem with excessive alliteration.
now that i've sufficiently wasted another seventeen minutes reading up on mr. linky, i think i just need to stop where i am and leave nature to take its course. i wanted to see if i could pull off adding that piece here so that you could all link your wordles to me, but i guess i should have known it wasn't going to happen before i even started. i don't think i'll ever get all that html crap anyway. well, the thought was there, and that should count for something.
*i'm sorry this picture is so small. i have no idea how to make it bigger and now i really need to go get ready or i'll be late and unprepared for work and then i'll get fired and then i'll lose my home and then my kid will starve. fuck you wordle! no really, it is kind of fun, if you can manage to get the right size to show up. any helpful hints?
**if you really wanted to humor me, you can click on the link. i know, i probably wouldn't either, it's ok.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
these two acts, once merely for survival, have often become intertwined and co-mingled in a way that i will never feel comfortable with. i like to savor the taste of a well-prepared meal, or enjoy a delicious dessert, on a plate. i prefer any sexual encounter to be as far removed from the kitchen as possible.
but there are some folks out there who would call me prude, or at the very least, tell me that i can't knock it til i try it. all i can say to that is you can have your whipped cream bikinis and sushi served on a woman wearing nothing more than lotus leaves, i'm too much of a purist to taint one pleasure with another. and how do you really, really know what you're getting yourself into? humans can carry around some nasty little surprises that may only become visible when it's way too late for you to do anything about it. before any of you guys get too excited, ask yourself, is this thick, rich whipped cream just masking genital warts and maybe some crabs? or perhaps, think twice before using your chopsticks near the sushi woman's too-perky breasts, lest you cause her implant to rupture, spilling boob juices onto your spicy tuna maki.
thinking about eating, licking, or otherwise consuming food from another person's body, no matter how physically attractive they may be, is so repulsive to me that i can't help but shudder and make that 'bleeecchhh' sound.
body shots are right up there as well. you might argue that if the liquor is strong enough, say moonshine as opposed to peach schnapps, there might actually be some sanitizing going on there to make ingesting fluid off of someone's body seem not so bad. and you may be right, but i will not be the one to test that theory.
this whole topic may seem a bit out of the blue for me, but the truth is, it's been prompted by what i consider to be one of the most disturbing advertisements i've ever seen.
there's so many levels of wrong here, white castle. the weird shadowy, smokey lighting, the pig stripper taking pleasure in covering herself in the sauce, and the fact that she knows she's performing for a crowd who's captivated by her sexy dance. eeww. but the part that really gets to me, the part where i have to say 'that's enough of this food porn!' and quickly change the channel, is when the guy licks the sauce off the paper bag from his finger and then nods his head, acknowledging his pleasure.
it's too much for me. i need a hot, steamy shower to clean all the icky off.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
i made up a lot of these questions myself, but i definitely did find some online that i either borrowed or adapted. and now, without further ado...
1. why do you prefer glasses to contacts, despite the occasional lisa loeb comparison?
2. would you rather swim in a pool, the ocean, or the hudson river?
3. using your porn name (first pet + street you grew up on) as the main character, please give a brief summary of the movie about your life.
4. why does the drive through atm have braille on the keypad?
5. is it possible to have a relapse to your windex smell addiction?
1. have you ever played hot dog bush? if not, please go play it now and tell me what your high score is.
2. if you were in hell and got really mad at someone, where would you tell them to go?
3. if you could be anything in a grocery store, what would you be and why? (i got asked this once on a job interview and it freaked me out. like, has someone ever said 'pickles. i'd like to be a jar of pickles.'??)
4. which is better, being the youngest, middle, oldest, or only child? which were you?
5. what nickname have you been called that you hate the most?
1. did you ever find out who wrote you that really mean email? would you respond if you did?
2. can you convert your headband pattern to knit for me if i promise not to sell them?
3. what color would a smurf turn if it were choking?
4. do you sing more in the car or in the shower? what, if any, accompanying dance moves do you employ while singing?
5. what was the last item you re-gifted?
1. what anagrams can you make with your name (real or pseudonym) and which is your favorite?
2. what's the difference between a crocodile and an alligator, and which do you prefer?
3. if you absolutely had to kill a spider, as opposed to putting it on a spoon and setting it free outside, would you give the spider a eulogy and a proper burial? how would you sum up that spider's life?
4. why does your kit kat clock's mustache bother me WAY more that his shifty eyes?
5. what was the last randomly gross/potentially lethal thing you saw while walking to the bus stop?
that's all i've got. i look forward to reading all of your answers, now if you'll excuse me i think i just saw monster lick his junk and is now heading towards the baby....
Thursday, May 14, 2009
soooooooooo, on a lighter note, the mysteriously modest writer miss.chief has been ever so kind to me for most of my, albeit short, blogging venture. most recently she has supplied me with something to post about today and save all of you from reading another borderline 'does she need a psychological evaluation?' post. and for that miss.chief, i made you a special present. i don't know if i can call it an award because i made it just for you and usually the awards are ones that you pass on to others, but if you did pass it along that would be fun too. behold the magic of paint:
thanks for always getting it, and for never having writer's block.
so the rules of this mini-meme are that i have to answer the five questions that she has written for me. then to pass it on, anyone who wants to be interviewed can write 'interview me' in the comments section. the first five people to do this will get five individual questions from me to post about. so really, this meme is a two-fer. tomorrow i will post the questions and then i'm off the hook til monday.
i'm going to warn you now, i'm in a very chatty mood at the moment.
1. What in the hell does your blog name even mean? (the pearl one)
since i'm exceptionally bad at describing myself (hence the one-liner 'about me'), kristine suggested i use a line from a song i like as my blog title. i usually shy away from discussing what music/movies/tv/etc. i like because you can make a case for or against pretty much everything, and i hate futile arguments. but today i will tell you that the line is from a ryan adams song and goes '...with her father on amphetamines, her mother hides the pearls...' i fucking LOVE me some ryan adams, and that's all i'm going to say about that. (unless someone tells me that it's copyright infringement to use a fragment from a song and then i'll delete this post and deny any connection whatsoever).
2. Has the pancake shirt caused you to vomit yet? Please answer in the form of a question, jeopardy style.
what is, i don't think that's possible. upon receipt of said pancake shirt i promptly washed the cat hairs off so that monster could proceed to cover it with dog hairs and make the shirt feel welcome in my wardrobe. i eat pancakes for dinner sometimes when there's no food left and i'm too lazy to go grocery shopping. pancakes = night off from real cooking, so they make me happy.
3. Have you ever seen the CSI episode where the guys dies from allergies, getting shot with an arrow, drowning, a snake bite, and getting hit in the head with a crowbar but then they have to say he died from a heart attack or something? it's my favorite.
what the...?? i request a new question, that's a rip-off. it's just a yes or no, and therefore leaves me much less opportunity to talk about myself. but anyways, i DID see that ep and it was actually a whole season edited into 43 minutes.
4. Why can humans move their eyes in opposite directions toward their nose but not away from their nose?
actually, some humans can do this. my physics professor in college could do this every day, but i don't think it was intentional. he was big and round and had this cloud-like greyish-whitish beard that connected with his hair and he looked just like santa. we called him professor santa and he really liked it, he would always smile and have this deep, jovial laugh that made you just want to hug him.
5. Don't look this up: what does ROFL mean again?
omg, lol!! i TOTALLY know this one now. it means really old (and) fucking lame. at least that's what i'll say to anyone who uses that crap with me.
i know you want to play now.
and now before i go, it's time for one last teeny weeny present. this one is dedicated to my bestest pal of, holy shit i can't believe it's been that long, 18 years. we go all the way back to mr. stern's math class in seventh grade. thanks kristine, for always being there to help and for always understanding me. this one's for you:
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
right, so that's when i re-read some of the things i've written and upon realizing that they're about my kid's toys or poop or cute faces, or about my dog's toys or poop because he may as well be a mentally challenged toddler (is that pc?), i got annoyed with myself.
so now as i'm sitting here remembering that i never had a barbie, i also remember the smell of the my little pony. each was the same. it was that powdery, rubbery, faintly floral smell that was unique to plastic horse hair and bodies. do they even still make those things? because if they do and someone were to open a brand new one within about 20 feet of my nose, i'd be a little kid again, giving my cousin a funny look when she pulled out a big box of nudie barbies suggesting we dress them for a party.
i need to get out more. help...
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
i often make jokes when others are serious, and become intensely focused when others are lighthearted. sometimes it takes days for me to even realize the emotional discrepancy, but i do eventually see it. i've never been good at reading people, so i'm usually left playing catch-up.
i've come to accept this, but that doesn't mean that it never bothers me occasionally.
recently, at work, i had an experience where someone said to another co-worker 'i'm scared of her, she NEVER smiles' referring to me, in that jokey-i'm-kinda-serious way. the other co-worker replied 'who, HER? she's always laughing, what are you talking about?'
since both of these people are people that i would consider friendly acquaintances, i was a little surprised at the opposite opinions. now, i've been known to say that i could care less what people think of me and that i just 'do my own thing.' but we all know that everybody cares. even if it's just a little bit, only once every few weeks or so, there comes a time when you do actually care.
today is that day for me. so instead of talking about how nice and sunny it is outside, or how cute monster looks curled up into a ball with his tail around his nose, i'll just leave you with one last tidbit from my sometimes irrational logic:
sometimes i feel the more friends i have the more lonely i am. i'll take my three or four good ones, hold them close, and feel comfortable knowing that i don't have to pretend to make sense to them.
i guess that's not all that irrational, maybe i'm too morose for witticisms today.
ps. i can't stop laughing at the fact that i haven't changed the batteries on one of fuss's singy toys and every five minutes or so i now hear 'if you're happy and you know it clap your hands' in that drawn out, demonic, warble voice.
Monday, May 11, 2009
well, maybe there's no need for me to go that far, but at the very least i can spend ten years making this fabulous picture in paint instead of showering like i should be doing.
ps. i had to look up how to spell 'speech' in my scrabble game, just to make sure.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
sneaky little thing. i thought i had seen all of her tricks and she comes up with this. where does she keep all that cuteness in that tiny body? i don't think i'll ever know.
Friday, May 8, 2009
i'm not even going to waste my breath talking to you about respecting your elders, nay respecting people in general, but i will say that you're damn lucky you're not my kid.
and when did you learn that that oh-so-irritating teeth sucking sound is an appropriate response to hearing something you don't want to hear? that's almost worse than when you called me a 'lying bitch.'
i think it's high time you took your little tush home and begged for your mother's forgiveness and professed your undying love and support for her and all the things she does for you. maybe give listening to her a chance, there could be some valuable information there.
then again maybe not, i did find you wandering dubois st. at nearly ten pm on a thursday night.
anywhoooooo, at the very least, if you're going to ask a stranger for money, try using the 'my family has no money for food so they send me out to the streets to beg' routine. it will get you worlds farther than the 'hey lady, you got fitty cent i can hold?' bit. even though i know you're only going to use that fifty cents to buy a *gasp* sugary soda at the corner store.
that is all.
ps. tell your mother i said happy mother's day for me.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
fuss and i had a nice afternoon out visiting friends and i'd like to share some randoms that made me smile:
1. i have officially renewed my crush on the shuffle feature on my ipod.
2. little miss is the best kid ever for not letting my blasting the shit out of whatever song shuffle picked for me stop her from having a little car nap.
3. i love that the trees have actual leaves on them again.
4. i want to write a cookbook on how to incorporate herbs into everyday cooking because i love herbs and i think they make everything taste better (NOT referring to that other herb, but i do have an amazing rosemary hot nuts recipe if anyone's interested).
5. i love how my gay guy friends always say how much they can't stand kids and then shower the fuss with the sweetest affection every time they see her.
ok, i feel a little better now. not to be all spiritual or whatever, but i've always felt that you get what you give, and that applies to your mindset as well as your actions. hope you all enjoy the rest of your day as much as i will mine.
thanks for the great award miss! how did you know that i've always envied stevie's big beautiful teeth? i can feel him singing his happiness directly to me every time i see his open mouth. wait, that wasn't supposed to sound like that... whatever, YAY for awards!!
and now, because it's thursday, or because it's not raining this very second, i would like to pose a little game of 'would you rather: laundry edition' for some much needed guidance in this matter.
this issue is this, my laundry room, being a good half a mile down a hill, around a corner, in the back of a building, and in that building's basement, doesn't really make me want to do laundry all the time. so what i try to do is pick the day that i see the least offensive of my neighbors out and about, possibly doing their laundry as well.
today i spy with my brown eye(s) two of the more exceptionally loathsome laundry folks.
first there's walking wonder*:
walking wonder can be seen on any given day throughout the year wearing sweatpants, no shirt, and an ankle length leather trench, which i don't think is supposed to be ankle length but it is on him because he's only five foot four. his name is derived from the very technical observation that he walks up and down our (dead-end) street ceaselessly and tirelessly, on his way to no where.
this all might sound harmless enough, but wait, now let me tell you about his rotten attitude. he chain smokes outside of the laundry room waiting for some unattended machine to stop its cycle of spinning, just so he can reach in with his tar hands and take your clothes out in a flurry of curses, throw them in a moist pile on the not-so-clean folding table, and shove his clothes in even though there may in fact be no less than three other machines available.
also out and about, enjoying the split second of sunshine that just peeked through the clouds today, is mr. toothless wonder. his approach is vastly different from my other good neighbor. this guy likes to sit in the laundry room the whole entire time (which, considering what goes on there, i can't fault him too much for) and tell each person who enters exactly how long each machine has been running for, because he's taking notes. oh, and i can't leave out the part where he will eye-fuck me (with his slightly crossed eyes) and grin and lick his lips while i try to put my clothes in any motherfuckingmachine i can find and get the hell out of there as fast as i can.
so, dear reader, i could use a little advice here. would you rather deal with walking wonder touching your undies and leaving them for all the world to see, or mr. toothless making you feel that no matter how many times you shower you're still going to be very dirty for at least two consecutive days?
*this picture is not really my neighbor, but the closest i could find without actually having to get near him to take my own picture.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
my most recent pet peeve is this:
this vehicle, known as the 'smart for two' car, has already begun infiltrating our streets. this little fella here, while he tries to look all cute and small, is actually going to bring about the demise of our roadways as we know them today.
i do agree that fuel efficient models and less wasteful factories are a good thing for our society, but this car can guarantee only one thing: getting hit hard = certain death. just look at what happened to this one when a stray butterfly accidentally flew into the driver's side door:
this rolling harbinger of death is a clear example of when you can really say 'what the fuck are reinforced steel beams going to do for me here?' don't even get me started on the assclowns who need to ask about putting a car seat in this piece. and to make matters worse, it's still kind of expensive. the base model starts at over $11,000. a car with wheels smaller than my baby's radio flyer shouldn't cost more than 2-3k, in my opinion.
how about i take my $11,000, buy a pre-owned vehicle of a slightly more solid build, and keep one less manufacturing plant from opening up. at least my 4-runner will protect tax payers from all the civil suits associated with the smartshitcar. i can see it now, the endless pile-ups blocking traffic, increasing road rage, and then riots and fires will take over. all those trees they say they're going to plant for the purchase of a new vehicle will be burned to cinders and we'll be left with nothing but tanks and ashes and devastation.
so if you want to help destroy our planet, feel free to roll in one of these bad boys. i promise i won't make faces at you and get distracted by your retardedness while driving.
note: if you try to tell me good things about this car i will stick my fingers in my ears singing 'lalalalala-i can't hear you!'
Friday, May 1, 2009
with that setting the tone, today is the two year anniversary of b and i getting married (even though it wasn't 100% legal the first time, we like to use this date because it's nicer) so i thought i'd share some of the highlights of our years together. i know i've alluded to that awesome pick-up line that started it all, and i think it's only fitting to begin there.
i'm 24, bartending at a local sports bar, annoyed that i have to make small talk to earn money, although flaunting my enormous tatas helped to reduce the amount of necessary small talk with certain customers. i've heard every line you could ever imagine, and was pretty proficient at the old 'fake smile, that's so funny! i'm rolling my eyes on the inside' move. and then b came in one night, gave me a few smiles for about an hour, and by the time he was sufficiently wasted, he blew my mind with 'hey, so, um, what do think about the property taxes over in sullivan county?'
this was pretty earth shattering because he was absolutely serious. he actually wanted to have a conversation. it was an instant connection, i answered him and then asked how long it took him to come up with a gem like that (which i already knew the answer to because it was on the front cover of the local paper sitting on the bar right next to him). we talked the whole rest of the night, and before he left he drew two stick figures on a scrap of paper, one with a word bubble that had his phone number in it, and gave it to me saying 'we should talk some more.'
i think it was maybe about ten days later, after spending every spare minute with him, that i knew i wanted to talk to him for the rest of my life. without getting all sappy, as i can easily do, i will say that we both feel lucky to have found someone we each love a little bit more every day.
we enjoyed ourselves, we went out partying a lot, and we made some wonderful friends.
we dressed up in costumes.
(b just looked over my shoulder and proclaimed, 'you're lucky it's our anniversary because there's no other way i would let you put that mess online.')
it wasn't long before we got an apartment together and i convinced b that we needed a dog. at first he wasn't so sure. but we went anyway and picked up our little monster at a shelter, putting him in a cardboard box in the back of my car. when he took a massive dump in the box, stepped all in the dump, and then put his shit paws all over b's shoulder, we knew we made the right choice.
then not long after monster showed up, we looked at each other one morning and decided to get married. a few months later we were in antigua, just us. no friends or family, it was perfect. we've never been the most romantic people, and this just felt so right to both of us.
i think it may have been the second that our plane landed back in new york that i became obsessed with having a baby. b was too, he was much more easily persuaded than with the whole 'let's get a dog' issue, as if he only had to fake putting up a fight this time because he thought that's how it was supposed to happen.
i'm so hardcore that i walked myself into the operating room for my c-section. no wheelchairs or gurneys here, thank you very much.
allow me to introduce little miss, also known as 'the fuss'.
she's been known to smile sometimes.
and here we are today, just two people being secretly mushy and in love on the inside, bitter and sarcastic on the outside just so that people don't think we're freaks because who could ever really be that happy, right?
happy anniversary babysnakes!!
*note: for those of you who may not already know, this is my b. that means don't get any ideas ladies, i once punched a chick in the throat... but do feel free to check it out and comment on how hilarious he is.